Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.


I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

[cjel]

Evening Lavender, Interesting to catch up.I hope you feel less 'churned' this evening.IME the best realisation that I had was that actually it IS all about me. For the first time in my relationship it was up to me to decide what I wanted and then do it. If you don't want to discuss it with him then don't, if you don't want to speak to him then don't. It is hard enough getting away from someone like our husbands without puttin their feelings above ours again. Now we can really really do what we want to.If emails and solicitors are the way you want to do it then do it that way. Now is not a time when you have to consider what is best for him(I'm afraid I don't drink)xxx

[lavenderhoney]

Hello Cjel- thank you for posting your thoughts!

I just want to do what will minimise the misery. Its very difficult.

[cjel]

Its bloody impossible isn't it? when you have an idea of the reaction you'l get as they are so used to being in control there is bound to be some crap. Have you decided what you want to do yet?

[lavenderhoney]

I have to do it. Because I spent a couple of years so generally unhappy. And after last years events and fessing up to my friend, and then the discovery of ow. If I don't all this is pointless. And I'll feel a fool.

Plus I don't love him and I never want to have sex with him again. I haven't wanted to for over a year.

I woke up in tears this morning and dd asked if I missed daddy. I said no. I said I was over tired.

[lavenderhoney]

I've done it. I didn't get as far as divorce because he was very upset and angry. Go I feel like shit. He has also fired off a very emotional email to me that blames me for everything, how ungrateful I am and how I have ruined his hopes for happiness.

He also accused me of having a new man and that's why. I said no, I preferred to be alone, I was much happier and these last few months have made me realise that, being here with the dc. He was FURIOUS.

He said he would do anything to make things right and fix it, but I said I didn't think it would ever work - we have both been so unhappy. He says its the stress I put him under/ work and now I have done this to him:(

Shit. What have I done?:((

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Courage, lavender .

He has also fired off a very emotional email to me that blames me for everything, how ungrateful I am and how I have ruined his hopes for happiness.

Hmm that was kind of predictable, you saw that one coming. He was never going to admit any fault and his ego would much rather blame you and some mythical OM.

Things couldn't have continued as they were lavender whatever he tries to tell you. You might doubt yourself but look at what you've achieved. The first key stage was you deciding enough was enough and action was required. The second part was you moving back to the UK, the latest was telling him how you feel.

Be under no illusion you didn't set this in motion all by yourself.

[lavenderhoney]

He said he was going to resign and come back to the UK, and take a low paid job so we were together as a family. He said he only stayed in the ME to make money for the family. I said he could return if he wanted but he wouldn't be living with me and the dc.

He asked me how I would manage and I said I had a job. He immediately accused me of having an affair with him ( total and utter rubbish I hardly need say) and then said he wanted to be closer to the dc. I don't know what that means. He wasn't bothered when we lived in the ME and he hasn't seen them for 3 months but has called on Skype 2-4 times a week and hasn't made any plans to come over.

I think that will change:(

[lavenderhoney]

He also said he had no idea I was going to spring this on him. How can he say that? After everything:(

[RandomMess]

He sounds very chauvanistic and you should be the wife and do your duty type of thing .

Please take good care of yourself and do not trust him at all.

[ohldoneedtogetagrip]

He did know Lavender deep down he knew when you confronted him about OW and then came back to UK. He has been in denial.
Blaming you will make him the victim. Remember he didn't want his family to know you were in the UK--it is all about him saving face.
You know you have done the right thing--stay strong.
If needed a gentle reminder of the OW/ his night out at some event with her and the car seats should jog his memory.

[cjel]

Well done Lavender, don't doubt what you've done. You have considered every option for months and months, this isn't a snap decision. I know how easy it seems to think that he may be right/may change/you may be all the horrid things he says - but he is still trying to control and abuse you. Try not to be scared by his threats to come and live in your house with no work. He can't live in your house, he can't 'make' it right.
Did you see the solicitor? I found it so helpful to know what he could and could not do. It took away the fear of his threats. Weather here is lovely for running whats it like with you?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Well done for making that step. You anticipated that he wouldn't take you seriously so he's running true to form. All I would say is that you have to stop thinking in terms of minimising the misery where he is concerned. Divorce is miserable.... fact. Protect your DCs, reduce contact with your STBX, close down the influence he continues to have in your life, get a good solicitor ... and it'll minimise the misery for you. Keeping him happy may have featured in your old life but it is not part of your new life.

Good luck

[lavenderhoney]

I've already mentioned the ow and seats/ funeral. He said its nothing and all in my head. I gave up. We've had that argument so many times. And its not helpful to rake up old injustice to either of us. It won't change the fact that I've had enough and the time has long past for reconciliation.

He sending me lots of emails saying how he may now lose his job because I'm causing him so much stress. But he has said its not been good lately ( lately! Over a year, he means) but he still says I'm unsupportive of him and his working so hard - he had to relax somehow and I was always in bed when he got home ( midnight) from work. Yeah, that would be because I was up at 6 with the dc and in the night. Not wanting a drink and sex. So he is angry with that.

Perhaps he will start to be reasonable now. I am being very reasonable. I'm going to email him now and start to plan.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It's no good him feeling hard done by now you stand up for yourself. He can pretend he was self-sacrificing but when he wasn't working he threw himself whole - heartedly into the ex-pat lifestyle with small consideration of your needs when he left you alone for hours at a time. He couldn't have been less supportive over the bereavement if he'd tried.

As for pretending he thought everything was roses why then was he so vocal when the DCs were in earshot. Why did he exercise his usual tactics of alternating between drowning you out or ignoring. This is all a smokescreen to make you feel in the wrong.

[Meerka]

Please keep taking strength from the thought you're doing the right thing for your children and yourself. You are

[lavenderhoney]

Donkeys thank you, it makes sense about the woe is me stuff. I remember saying to him once the life I had wasn't right, I was worth more. And he just said how hard he worked and how I was unsupportive with my horrible talk.

He has sent me a barage of emails about how unhappy I have made him- really, does he think I'm having a party?

He is talking money now. He wants me to buy a house here and he will get a mortgage and pay for it. I'm working so I have income but can't afford a mortgage and he doesn't want me to continue renting. I think this will be ok. Really, he's got the emotion and heartbreak out of the way very fast indeed. He says he can't sleep for crying then says he has a plan. Its all very difficult. He says I've ruined his life and future. I haven't. Its all about the money.

He is calling the dc/ me later. I'm not looking forward to it.

[lavenderhoney]

Cog, one of the things that made me realise it was over was that I no longer made decisions wrt his happiness. Why would I? He didn't with me. It was such a slow imperceptible process really.

Being isolated in the ME didn't help at all. I also knew I wasn't the only one, there are many women like me. If I had my time again I wouldn't have left and I didn't want to go anyway. I was heavily pregnant and really not thinking straight. He blames me for not trying hard enough, and he now says he is planning to leave his job and take a few months travelling somewhere warm to rest and recover from my resolve to break up the family.

So I guess he doesn't plan to send any money to support the dc then. He hasn't mentioned seeing them, or what I have said to them or anything. He is clearly all over the place and I have to remember that he is in shock.

What do I do now?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Arguably if he gets it out of his system now things can only get better. He's entitled to feel as he does just not to rewrite history. You just need to have a filter. Tune out the complaints and try to keep calm.

[BeforeAndAfter]

lavender if he wants to go travelling how will he pay your mortgage if you let him buy you a house? Honestly you want financial independence here especially with his almost bipolar ups and downs. Plus he'll just use the ownership element to wheedle his way into living with you when it suits him.

Even if you have to rent while you get everything straight I think you need a financial clean break.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Threatening to spend like a carefree single man in the words of the ad "because he's worth it" inferring he deserves a reward shows his way of thinking doesn't it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"So I guess he doesn't plan to send any money to support the dc then."

What I suggest is you get a good solicitor in the first place... this kind of thing is where they earn their money. Second I agree with a PP that you should build your new life around the principles of self-reliance and independence. It's going to be better for you to have a more modest lifestyle that is 100% affordable on your own and treat anything you get from him as a bonus, than to be reliant on him in any way. What he doesn't give you, he can't take away.

[lavenderhoney]

he now says he knows I have been miserable since going to the ME but I should have sucked it up for the good of the family.

He says he knows I don't love him as I didn't want sex with my husband. He is clearly very unhappy and I'm so glad he's not here to storm about, sulk and piss me off. And expect a shag. As is my duty to make it right.

I know re independence:) I'm going to rent alone ( just me on the tenancy) as soon as I can. If my job goes full time and permanent and when all this is over maybe I can see where I am.

I am quite shocked he hasn't thought about any financial commitment to the dc. I think you are right cog, and I must plan to manage alone and anything he gives is a bonus. Perhaps over time he will change his mind. I too would rather this wasn't happening to us but really, the only other option is impossible, I've been living that option and it doesn't work for me.

[RandomMess]

Do you have an owned property anywhere?

[JupiterGentlefly]

I remember you I think? Weren't you worried if you would even make it back? I just wanted to wish you well and say I am glad you are home.

[lavenderhoney]

Yes we do but it will be a bugger to sell bad its rented out for holidays til end of summer. I've emailed the solicitor just now and also the headmistress for a meeting.

And I can't believe I'm here either:) but I am! Its 3 months today.