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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/08/2014 08:50

Partners who are remorseful for the bad times in a relationship respect boundaries. I never got the impression he was ever remorseful and he certainly hasn't respected your boundaries!

Meerka · 11/08/2014 08:55

He's absolutely a great example of Me First isnt he?

well done on surviving the stay, lavender, and I hope you can enjoy the relief of having your place to yourself again, at least until you move (you were planning on moving weren't you?)

Are your kids okay? As everyone has said, he was an appalling example for your children. People who guilt trip you can fuck off until they know what they're talking about.

TwinkleDust · 11/08/2014 09:43

Onwards and upwards. Well done Lavender.

He is a hypocrite making unjustified references to selfishness. The threat to withdraw financial support just shows the depths of this - and the realisation that his 'control' has gone.

As for other people, it is none of their business. If you feel the need to respond, just say that nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and leave it at that. You don't need to justify or get into a dialogue.

At the end of the day, he failed to be a decent father and faithful husband. He failed. And you stepped up. And this is the outcome, and it will be a far better one for your children.

In a weird way, his withdrawal of direct financial support could be the final empowerment you need.

Granville72 · 11/08/2014 10:55

Well done Lav.

Don't listen to him or 'others' for saying you are being selfish. You are not being selfish, you are thinking of yours and your children's future and I am sure they would rather a happy family than being with parents who dislike each other.

Don't let their words eat away at you. You do what is best for you and your children, and remember, that is why you left him and came home, to have a better life without him.

It's not as if he's exactly bothered or interested in the kids is it? Hasn't bothered contacting much before the visit, hasn't bothered since he's left and is now going to cut financial support.

Please ensure the Solicitor is your first port of call today. Do not delay it any longer and get the papers issued to him. You are well rid of the idiot.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/08/2014 12:31

online access to my account!

As if.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/08/2014 12:42

Not Skyping your DCs and threatening to withdraw any financial support - there's a surprise. His sole purpose in holidaying over here with DCs seems to have been to destabilise and provoke you.

How have the DCs been since he left?

fluffyanimal · 11/08/2014 14:24

So glad to hear you have come out the other side Lavender. Hope your DS's night terrors subside again (coincidence that they came back when H was staying? probably not) and that your next steps - moving, divorce - all go well.

Were you making plans on being financially sufficient without him contributing? To be honest, although he should obviously contribute, if he stops sending money that's one more tie to him that is cut.

Hope you are able to make a little space for processing your feelings. You are so far from selfish, any sane person can see that.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 11/08/2014 22:32

Thank you:)

He did contact me today but I haven't replied. He was stuck at an airport so it was probably more boredom than anything. I didn't reply.

I haven't filed yet. I'm not sure what's stopping me filing tbh, I feel I need time to gather strength, not because I want to stay married - I don't feel married anyway, so its just the breaking of the contract admin to me.

I moved last week, and I've been really busy with organising that and the new house with its decorating and various other stuff. Plus working as well. In fact, my niece, who has a full on city finance job was a bit Shock at the amount I've done and doing now. She came to see me and was very nice and helpful. She has also arranged a date for me (!) I've seen his pic and googled him (!) he seems very nice, so a dinner has been planned for next month.

My flaky friend is coming next weekend ( maybe) and my lovely supportive overseas friend is still being supportive on a daily basis, which is nearly a year of it now- although with being so busy I haven't been so needy. I think this is a good thing, for both of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
lavenderhoney · 11/08/2014 22:35

And the dc

They haven't reacted at all to his going. Ds started his night terrors again when he was here, but they stopped when he left and so did the bed wetting. Dd hasn't said anything at all. They just don't seem to mind him not being there apart from them grumbling about having to come with me everywhere boring - paint shops etc.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 11/08/2014 23:11

Sounds like you've turned a corner & that you are moving on, which is brilliant. Just put the divorce papers through, as the sooner you get the ball rolling, the sooner you'll be properly free.

OvertiredandConfused · 11/08/2014 23:18

Great that you've moved. Is his name off the rental agreement now?

You have done so much Lavender. Well done. Now file! Your DC are obviously thriving with you.

whitsernam · 12/08/2014 00:12

You have definitely turned a corner! A good one.

I wonder about the filing: do you wait until you feel strong enough, or do you file and that helps you feel strong?

Anniegetyourgun · 12/08/2014 08:33

Doesn't DS's reaction to his presence suggest to you that leaving his ghastly excuse for a father is the best thing for them, rather than selfish? In the immortal words of Mandy, he would say that, wouldn't he? Saying you are selfish doesn't make it true. I don't understand why you feel guilty for not wanting him when he is so very unwantable. It's not your fault the man you got together with chose to act like an unspeakable arse in more ways than several.

I think you would be best to file, and then decide whether you're ready to take it all the way later. Just sending the initial documents is quite simple. There are plenty of points at which you can pause or stop the process; it's not a roller coaster.

The important thing, though, is that this dreadful man never, never gets to stay under your roof again.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/08/2014 08:34

I think I got those first three sentences in the wrong order, but you catch the drift Blush

Granville72 · 12/08/2014 08:41

You really need to make the phone call and get the divorce papers issued. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can move on and stop this living your life on pause and in this mans shadow.

Your children have shown they're not that bothered about him. You will never be able to move on properly until you make that move and get the divorce under way.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/08/2014 09:42

Well this says a lot:
They haven't reacted at all to his going. Ds started his night terrors again when he was here, but they stopped when he left and so did the bed wetting. Dd hasn't said anything at all. They just don't seem to mind him not being there

Keep notes of this kind of thing.

Granville72 · 12/08/2014 09:57

Lavender you've been giving some very sound advise on another thread on here about making plans and moving on ASAP.

You need to be heeding your own advise as well and not living in limbo

Meerka · 12/08/2014 13:04

Ds started his night terrors again when he was here, but they stopped when he left and so did the bed wetting..... crikey.

Did he shout a lot at them?

oh boy, lavender you really did the right thing for them in drawing this relationship to a close.

TwinkleDust · 12/08/2014 15:37

Divorce papers - if not now, then when?

You are ready to move on. You are considering dating!

Time to tidy up.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 13/08/2014 23:55

Yes, time to tidy up is about right.

He didn't shout at the dc, he's just very negative and always moaning - everything's against him iyswim. I always say things like " oh, rain again.. Still its a chance to get our wellies on and have a splash!" Whereas dh would grumble about the weather and bung on the telly.

I have noticed a change in the dc outlook since being with him all day- moaners and wanting to watch tv all the time! Ds is struggling a lot, mainly because dh hasn't called. Ds says he's too busy and then cries. Christ, its like watching someone in love slowly realise the other person doesn't give a monkeys unless it suits them:(

I haven't done it yet as I've been incredibly busy moving and decorating. Also I am dreading the whole arguing and and crap I'll have to go through. He wants to stay married in name only. Even my divorce lawyer, who is a keen on mediation and everyone being friends laughed:(

I am changing my will as soon as the dc get back to school. I can't do it with them hovering and listening at the solicitors office.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 14/08/2014 08:45

Just takes a quick phone call Lavender, that is all. You've already discussed the details with them so they only need the go ahead to draw up the papers and send them.

Remember how you delayed and found excuses for not leaving him and kept on dragging it out? New house, new start. Get rid of the crap cluttering up your life, you wont be able to move forward until this happens. You'll always be in limbo.

So there will be hassle and fall out when he gets the papers. So what. I'd certainly rather that than him thinking you were just bluffing and thinking there was a chance of reconciliation and still being married.

Does he know you have moved? Is he on the paperwork?

TwinkleDust · 14/08/2014 09:24

You can get the appointments booked now for when the schools go back.

And if the prep is already done, then it just needs you say 'get it done' to the solicitor, right? Email?

You know, it often turns out to be easier to do something rather than think about doing it... Flowers

Be careful about 'dating' until those papers have been served.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 14/08/2014 23:11

I know, its just so difficult as he will be such a nightmare. I can't face it all atm. I expect if he was in the UK I'd have done it by now. Avoidance:(

He knows its over. He wasn't exactly charming and wanting to try again, just full of bile.

I feel very alone. I don't want him back but I feel very alone. I don't want anyone else either:( its very sad for me at the moment. I'm taking the dc on holiday next week and they are so excited. I'm dreading it as I won't have all my normal distractions of being busy, wifi, etc.

And I'm very mindful of taking lots of books:(

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 14/08/2014 23:25

Be careful about 'dating' until those papers have been served.

Same thought occurred to me. If there's any possibility of him being an arse about things, you need to make sure you don't do anything that will cede ground to him.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 14/08/2014 23:46

We have been separated since late dec. and my solicitor told me in March I could date as it wouldn't affect a divorce. Is that rubbish?

I haven't been, but my dear friend who has been helping me through all this daily since last October and lives overseas ( not Middle East) is male. He is extremely concerned about it, even though obviously we are not in a relationship.

I'm not coping tbh. I look like I am, I write like I am, and I talk as though I am, but I'm not. I'm actually in shit state and god knows what I'd be like if I actually had feelings for him.

OP posts: