Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/07/2014 16:56

Sorry but I'd be slapping his grubby little hands away every time.
There is an end to this.
Keep counting the days and keep going.
You're coping very well.
Don't forget you have the 101 number fall back.
If he keeps touching you then have a chat with them and ask them what you can do about it.
They may come round and have a little 'chat' with him.
Worth asking just in case. They might give you some very good advice.
Thinking of you.

TwinkleDust · 29/07/2014 17:19

Touching in you in what way? I agree with hellsbellsmelon - have a word with 101 ask them for advice. Unwanted touching is putting him in dodgy territory and it could backfire nicely on him.

DocMcStuffinsBigBookOfOuches · 29/07/2014 19:00

A stranger on a bus touches you once. You think it's just chance. They do it a second time. You pay more attention. They do it a third time, you know now it's deliberate. So you ask them nicely to stop. They do it again, you speak forcefully and tell them to stop. They do it again.

By this point I would be ready for shouting really quite loudly and phoning the police to report them. Just because you used to have a marital relationship with this man, does not mean it is any different to a stranger on a bus.

He is testing your boundaries again. You knew he would be a pain, and he is acting true to form. Stop letting him have control of the situation, tell him once more that if he continues to touch you, you will be contacting the police and then do it. He needs to know that you can not be bullied, coerced or pressured into accepting or doing anything that you do not want.

He makes my blood boil just reading your posts, so goodness only knows what it's doing to you!

Meerka · 29/07/2014 19:21

Agreed. Lavender, please, ring 101.

OvertiredandConfused · 29/07/2014 19:27

I agree Lavender. He's testing you, odious creature that he is. Call 101 and ask for advice. Please. Just because he hasn't hit you or because he has a right to be in the property, he does NOT have a right to do this. Deliberate, inappropriate touching is assault.

NettleTea · 29/07/2014 19:47

yep, again with the 101.
Tell him forcibly. warn him that you will take matters further if he persists, then follow through. you dont have to put up with being touched up

fluffyanimal · 29/07/2014 20:59

Everything DocMcStuffin said. Flowers for you. PM me if you need to.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 30/07/2014 13:17

He puts his hands on my hips from behind and says things. But he hasn't done it since we had our talk and I confirmed its over. He said a lot of nasty things:(

He is now refusing to tidy behind himself ie, washing up after he makes breakfast for the dc. Any house work at all in fact. He just leaves it all.
This is preferable to the touching. He also doesn't make the dc brush their teeth or comb their hair. He is doing all meals for the dc and managing their time, apart from bath/ bedtime. I think he would prefer to leave, clearly its not what he expected. Perhaps that's why he faked an injury:)

Ds now sleeps in with me after having night terrors for the first time since we left:( I have to get out if bed - dh doesn't move from the tv or reading a book. I can't believe he doesn't hear him and rush to see what the screaming is. Last night it was 9.30pm the screaming started:( ds is awake and talking but no idea where he is and doesn't remember a thing. Fucking terrifying:(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/07/2014 13:38

Dear lord - he really is knob of the highest order.

Breathe - count to 10, or go out for a walk in some woods and scream and cry! (I've done that before now) and get it all out.

It must be soooo infuriating. I am angry just reading it so living it must be absolute hell.

Is he sleeping in a room in the house on his own?
If so, put all the stuff he leaves around into the bed.
I did that once and it soon solved that problem.

I don't think mine ever had night terrors so I can't imagine how horrible that must be. Just give him lots of hugs if it happens again.
Hopefully they will go again once your delightful H has left the building!

Thanks for you and of course Wine later if needed!

OvertiredandConfused · 30/07/2014 20:52

I agree that you should put as much of his mess as possible on his bed - not round it as he'll just step over it. Might sound extreme, but needs must.

Please make sure you are recording the teeth brushing, bathing, bedtime failures. It might be important later.

Meerka · 30/07/2014 22:45

be careful Lavender. Think paranoid and protect yourself.

Going to be blunt: wise up to every nasty trick he could get up to.

He is very much a spoiled child with mood swings and tantrums and spoiled children sometimes have no limits in what they will do when they are really angry.

DollyTwat · 01/08/2014 08:10

Lavender asked me to post to say she's offline for a few days. I'm hoping all is ok and when she calls me I'll update

Meerka · 01/08/2014 08:25

i hope all is ok too.

DollyTwat · 01/08/2014 15:18

She's ok, just being cautious with her phone and logins etc
I'm emailing fairly often to make sure she's ok

OvertiredandConfused · 01/08/2014 17:12

Thanks for the update Dolly. Do make sure she knows lots of MNers are thinking about her.

TwinkleDust · 01/08/2014 17:26

Thank you Dolly.

AthenaVHowerton · 01/08/2014 17:35

There is nothing really to add here, everything seems clear. However, I did want to give you my support. One of my friends is going through the same issue (she is a bit younger) and I can see just how hard this can really be. I hope that you are in a much better place now.

Granville72 · 06/08/2014 09:33

Hope you're hanging in there Lav.

Surely not long to go now xxx

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 10/08/2014 19:45

Hello, the visit is over. Thanks to dolly for posting for me Flowers

Thanks for the support as well.

It was horrible mostly as expected, but I do feel very guilty. I don't want to be with him, but I feel dreadful really. I think its because I don't want to be with him, iyswim.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 10/08/2014 20:12

Well done, lavender - you survived & sound a lot savvier about his antics.

inlectorecumbit · 10/08/2014 20:14

Glad you survived lavender hope the DC's are not going to miss him too much Wink
so what now. have you told him that you want a divorce or are you just going to send the papers to him?

OvertiredandConfused · 10/08/2014 20:29

Yay! Well done Lavender. Another hurdle overcome.

Meerka · 10/08/2014 20:47

lavender lovely to hear it's over. what sort of shape are you in ... other than feeling guilty? How are your children?

if you can lay your guilt aside, how are you feeling?

Wine
Original poster
lavenderhoney · 11/08/2014 08:38

Its over for now at least. Haven't heard from him since he left. He hasn't even skyped the dc:(

I don't know how I feel really. I wish things had been different though. I won't be trying again because the essence has gone from the relationship for me at least.

The most annoying thing so far is him and a few others telling me its a shame as dc need their dad and infer I am being selfish. Dh told me I had no thought for the dc with my selfishness:( and has said until he sees receipts for what I have spent his contribution on, he won't be sending any more money. That or online access to my account!

He asked when their next hols were and seems to think whenever they are off school he can come and spend all day with them and stay. I said he could look up the holidays on the school website and he couldn't just assume he would be staying. It drove me mad anyway, he is so irritating!

The next thing is filing for divorce.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/08/2014 08:46

He bandies that word 'selfish' around a lot but from what I recall from your accounts his motto for a long time was "Me first".