Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

Can you go on hols and vist friends?

If he'd been to A&E they'd have X rayed it - it's probably a strain and he's laying it on thick. D

Re the car - I think he wanted to put a tracker in it (you can get tiny ones now, like iTile

Sorry, posted too soon.

Check your handbag & pockets when you go out. He's gathering information and making life difficult as possible for you. Do not pick up or look after him. Sort out alternative childcare if you can.

Sorry, the tile, not iTile

www.thetileapp.com

Are you working next week and do you have alternative child care? If so l would assume that he is not fit to look after the DC's and take them to childcare. he can fend for himself and pick up for himself.
If you feel threatened at any point crutches or no crutches phone the police.

lavender .... tell him to pick whateverit is up himself. And ring 101 again and tell them you feel threatened and unsafe.

please, please be kind to yourself. And do not play his game.

Any 'injury' is either imaginary or self-inflicted.
Have you back-up childcare? If so, you go to work.
If not you take emergency leave. And take the kids out. Alone.
Any hint of a threat, verbal, physical, you log with 101.

He is seeing the foot bloke tomorrow. Apparently he needs a specialist. Unless he mugged someone for crutches I assume its true. The only thing I thought was suspicious was they look brand new:) on the NHS..

He says he will cope with the dc, except dd left the garden today whilst I was out and I saw her on the path outside the house when I got back.

I am working but I told him if he can't cope I will ask a neighbour to help him. I am exhausted tbh. I need to think so twinkle, I've put my books away and shall be doing some relaxation thinking. I shall blame you if I sob! I usually do my thinking out running, but find myself stopping and having a little cry as I get a bit upset.

Let's hope he isn't in a cast or he may not be able to fly home

who is looking after the DC's tomorrow when he is seeing this specialist--or in his case special tit

he'd be rather lucky to get even well-used crutches on the NHS. Specialist? When the 'injury' has even had a proper diagnosis yet? Was he claiming to have gone to NHS A&E ?

Can you ask your neighbour to check up on him/keep an eye out? There are ways neighbour can phrase it, 'popping in' to see if there is anything he needs? Paracetamol? Personality transplant?

Relaxation: don't look for perfection. Try it and see. Remember, new strategies like this need a fair go to test the effectiveness - and similar to forming new habits, they need repeating.

Not fly? I couldn't deal with that

I thought it was a bit odd myself tbh. Surely they x ray you and sort it out? But his foot is very swollen.

He started a conversation about us, but very aggressively " we can't even talk like adults, what are we going to do in the future " And he made me jump as I was sitting down the garden and he kind of appeared. So I said I was a bit busy and not now, mainly because I was shocked at the future bit as I thought he meant continuance marriage, he certainly doesn't mean him staying elsewhere, his aggressive tone and also I couldn't have got past him, even with his foot.

Put it in your private log, re:conversation. His statements/actions/your feelings.

Is he aware that you have discussed his behaviour with others such as police, solicitor?

It might be useful when he tries to engage in this again to turn it around a little. You ask the questions. Reflect back.

So, 'what are we going to do in the future' becomes 'what would you like to do in the future'. Note, the deliberate change of 'we' to 'you'. You don't have to volunteer stuff back. Let him talk. Shut down phrases 'I'd have to think about that'.

The ultimate power statement of course is 'I don't see a future with you'. Your viewpoint. Perfectly valid. Note again 'I'. There is no 'we'.

How are you today Lavender? Can you remind me whether the house is in joint names on the tenancy or just his? Just wondering about your plans to disengage once he's left this time.

He was very shouty this morning because he asked about us and I said there was no us. He's not a stupid man so why be so obtuse. I think he gets a kick out of making me say it. He was very surprised I meant it. He also thinks I'm having an affair and that's why I don't want him back.

He wants to talk later. I have told him it will be about the future not going over past marriage and he seems to think we will stay married just not live or sleep together. He's going to be disappointed.

Btw, his foot has miraculously recovered, no crutches and he refused to go to the hospital. He said yesterday I would have to be off work as he had to go and I said no, go when I get in after lunch. He then said today I should take him there, and I said no, get a taxi.

I expressed surprise that it had gone from broken to not needing painkillers or crutches and perhaps he ought to take them back or at least cancel his appointment with the specialist at the cottage hospital. He didn't answer. He's not limping either. . Its unfathomable to me why he would pretend.

I am a bit scared but I won't back down and let him bully me because if I am amicable or pleasant he thinks its all ok and I have to remind him I am not interested.

Still his atm. However he has signed to say he is only sharing costs re children and does not have any residency rights. My solicitor suggested it. He didn't even read it, just signed as part of the pack.

When is your tenancy renewed? Did you take a six or twelve month lease?

I'm not renewing it. I'm moving. The day after he goes:)

Its a long lease.

it sounds like you're holding your ground really well lavender. And phew on getting that piece of paper saying No Residency!!

Where are you moving to? :) somewhere nice I hope.

You're doing brilliantly :-) watch your back though as his tactics fail and he perhaps tries other moves

I moved the talk to this afternoon instead at a cafe with an outdoor play area nearby, walking distance. Thought it would be better to be out in public and not at night. More businesslike somehow.

Make sure that residency paperwork is out of the house.

Sounds like you are doing great.
I hope it goes OK this afternoon.
Keep going and keep firm.
Cheering you on over here!

You are doing brilliantly. You've made some good moves there. The remaining two weeks will pass xxx

He keeps touching me and its driving me crazy. I've asked him to stop quite nastily and he just laughs. And does it again. He does it in front of the kids.

He didn't turn up for the chat. Was at a park and forgot. He is avoiding me now. FFS I just want this over.