Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

I'd pondered about commenting on "just reading that set my teeth on edge" but held off because I wasn't sure if you would find my thoughts helpful atm.

The relaxation techniques suggested require you to actively face and address a problem and do something to combat it. Your reaction was a complete nope. You say that you'd rather relax with a good book. That is a temporary relief (nothing wrong with that) but - it can also become a negative form of escapism - no action or effort is required. And the pay-off is short.

You will get through this. You are braver than you think. You will discover you are stronger than you thought. And you will retain this strength.

I'm sorry you're going through this now lavender. Hopefully you can get through the next days/weeks until he is gone again and then take steps to protect yourself in the future.

Oh bless you.
I have no advice to offer because I can't imagine what you must be going through.
Keep strong and keep focussed.
Get through this and put plans in place for your future.
Keep posting to get things off your chest.
And phone the police as and when necessary!

Bit hopeless saying 'this too shall pass' but you have got this far lavender and you can do this.

PS Not putting too fine a point on it if you need to dial 101 or for that matter 999 please don't hesitate.

We're here when you need to vent, lavender. Take heart. We're here.

Oh Lav. It will soon be over (hopefully), stay strong for your children.

Personally, I'd have the divorce papers sat on his bloody door mat ready to greet him on his return home.

Thanks for all your supportive messages

Twinkles, I am hopeless at facing things which is why I said no. I do escape with a book. Doing exercises such as you suggest stress me as I have to actively face it and make some decisions. I am not good at that, as readers of my thread may have noticed. As an aside, going lc and not drinking last jan made me realise i was in a mess. I didn't realise the glass of wine at night was my crutch.

Anyway, back to now. Its very difficult. He tried to start an argument about the weather today before I left for work so I left. He said he wanted to look in my car as he had every right to check it ( no idea what for) and asked if he could take it for a spin. I said no, ( insurance and its just a car) and he had no rights to look in my car! He got angry and said I was nasty ( this was in front of the kids) and he has no idea why I am so nasty with him.

I came home and found for the second day running the dc have spent their day inside watching tv whilst he is on his computer. I asked why the dc didn't ask for the paddling pool to be filled and he said it was too cold today. He says they are fine. He knows this pisses me off. He says he will take them out tomorrow.

I took my coffee into the garden and he shouted at me for going off. I ignored him. I'm here now. I don't eat with them but I have something after. Yesterday I had some left over salad and I know it sounds mad but I cramps about 3 hours later. Couldn't sleep. I never get stuff like this.

He wants to know where I work and I won't tell him. I know nothing of these things but I have a feeling he is escalating.

Hold firm Lavender. You are quite right to refuse him access to your car, and to know where you work. It is nothing to do with him as you are his estranged wife. Has he accepted this aspect yet or is he still trying to bulldozer you into keeping the status quo?

Re. the children, keep a diary of every single thing he does/says to you in front of them; every single thing he says he is GOING to do with them; and every single thing he ACTUALLY does (or not as the case may be!) with them. I can't emphasise enough just how valuable a contemporaneous record like this can be if it all goes to court.

And if he escalates, even if it's raised voices which you find threatening, then police. Every time.

I'm documenting everything. From the moment he arrived. Quite pleased I remembered to do this.

He also made arrangements to meet me with the dc and didn't show up. Left me waiting with an agent for 45 mins. Three hours later he came back, all pleased with himself.

Not before I'd worked myself up totally and also got stuck in traffic due to accident and managed to convince myself it was him confused with driving left/ right side. He thought it was funny. He also says his phone doesn't work so he's not contactable when he has the dc and I'm out. This is rubbish as his phone is clearly working.

He has rummaged through all my stuff too:( whilst I've been out.

He is too busy ferreting through your stuff to even fill up the DCs' paddling pool.

Keep going. You will get through this xxx

You are doing brilliantly. You know that facing up to things stuff? It gets easier each time. Because you learn you can do it.

Keep documenting (are you doing this to a safe place/digital? Think about emailing a daily copy to yourself).

His no show was deliberate--an attempt to control you. Also gave him plenty of time to look through your stuff.
I hoe you have a lock on your bedroom door and keep your car keys on you at all times.
If he manages to drive the car-report it stolen

Thanks:) its all documented electronically. Am thinking of giving a friend all my passwords in case anything happens to me.

The weekend will be tough but I've made a couple of suggestions so perhaps it will be ok. I can't wait for the whole trip to be over.

I'm not facing anything really, I'm avoiding as I always do. Keeping out of the way. However I see he has started on the wine already so that might not last:(

He isn't a mechanic by trade so why on earth should you need him to look at your car. More like he hoped to check your milage and narrow down where you work.

Hope you don't suffer any more mystery stomach cramps btw.

Passwords idea is sensible.

Actually you are facing up to the situation in a way! You have been to work. You have not been 'compliant'. You have refused him (illegal!) access to drive your car.

Re-visit your 'keep safe' tips, especially in view of his drinking.

Each day over is another closer to him going and getting on with the divorce.

I actually had a conversation with him today. Unfortunately he appears to think our marriage will be ok. Was so horrified I just gaped at him:(
This is not good news. Although, in a way it is, as if he thinks this, I will be less likely to be a victim. Then I can divorce him when I'm out if the country.

Re passwords - actually, I have never given my passwords to anyone! It feels like letting someone read my diary or something. I was testing for a reaction...

I have certain passwords written down in a sealed envelope to be opened in case of emergency. It's currently in the filing cabinet with my will (and both need updating, as I do change my passwords from time to time, and hadn't thought about that envelope till now.)

I think if I were in your situation, I'd probably hand them over to a friend in a sealed envelope, so they can't just read them, but would have access if necessary.

I would have to email them:) I don't know, I suppose I never thought what happens to your email, fb, linkedin etc, iCloud . and although its boring, I don't want anyone rummaging through

He is getting the kids to ask me if I still like him etc. I dodge these questions. I am v busy all day and will go to bed early tonight again. I am avoiding him as he clearly wants to reconcile and I don't.

I wish he would leave. Only a couple of weeks to go. He thinks as he gives me money for the dc, I should be more grateful.

Are you definite that he's leaving in two weeks?

Have you issued the divorce papers? If not, get it done, and NOW. He will be under no illusion then when/if he gets back home and finds those on the door step

Put all your passwords etc., in a sealed envelope and give to your solicitor for safe-keeping, to be returned to you on request, or opened in the event of your being unable to do so.

I think you should follow your solicitors advice and continue to hold off issue of the papers until he is on that aeroplane.

Things are not looking good.

He has lost the front door key I gave him. He accuses me of having it. I don't. I said to leave the door unlocked then, its pretty quiet round here.

Earlier I asked when he was leaving as ds has an activity you can't be late for. He was faffing and ds was getting upset., so I said let me take him if you aren't ready. He started shouting " what's wrong with you" so I said if you raise your voice to me again, I want you to leave. He told me I was the one with the problem. Yeah, you're right there buddy, standing right in front of me. ( I didn't say that!) He didn't say anything.

He's gone now with ds. I have to take other dc soon, to the same place. Luckily the neighbours are home:(

Granville, both the solicitor and the police have told me not to issue the divorce until he is out of the country.

Twinkle, that's a good idea! Thanks

keep your strength up, lavender. Do what you need to do now, and change the locks (and get him off the tenancy!!) when he's gone.

He is driving me crazy.

He stormed off from an activity yesterday, ruining it for the dc as he was bored. Ds was in floods.

He has injured himself ( apparently just walking along) and took himself to hospital and reappeared on crutches. He says he has to go back tomorrow for a cast if its broken. He says he will be unable to drive and look after the dc, plus he expects me to wait on him. He dropped something earlier and told me to pick it up.

He also seems to think we might stay together. He must be out of his mind. I'm avoiding saying anything as I don't want to have this conversation again. Plus he might get angry. He came towards me on his crutches and I swear I saw the thought in his head he could hit me with one.

I want him to leave. I want to leave. I can't stand this for another 2 weeks.