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Original poster

A female perspective required.....

163 replies

Contrarian78 · 28/02/2014 14:31

I'm hoping someone here can help. I've posted before an experience I won't soon forget and I'm really at a loss.

To cut a long story short, my wife is 5 months pregnant. It has not been an easy pregnancy (possibly age related) and her hormones are all over the place.

Needless to say, I can't do right for doing wrong. I'm not perfect, but I feel she's over-reacting (this is where I need the helpful people here to take a view).

She has taken the children to a friends (after calling me every name under the Sun) becasue she found out that I've lent a friend of mine some money. I have my own money (and pay the bills) and she has hers. I think that she's upset because she doesn't patricularly like the friend I've lent it to, as he's separating from his wife (which is why he needed the money). She likes my friend's STBXW even less.

I don't want to make anything worse, particularly as she's so fragile, but I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
Stockhausen · 28/02/2014 14:35

How much are we talking about? Can you afford to lend it? Will he pay you back?

CailinDana · 28/02/2014 14:35

You say you think she's upset because she doesn't like the friend. Did she say that or did she say something else?

AllThatGlistens · 28/02/2014 14:35

I'd agree, I wouldn't say you've done a wrong thing necessarily.

If it were my DH, I would expect him to mention it to me before he lent the money, more as a courtesy than anything I guess, my proviso would be that all bills are covered, it won't impact the family finances at all and we are guaranteed to have the money back.

(My DH was a soft touch for bailing family members out years ago, but they never paid back - it doesn't happen anymore!)

WooAGhostCat · 28/02/2014 14:41

Pregnancy hormones are very strange and very powerful things. It doesn't matter if its your fault or not, the hormones dictate that it is.
Don't try to argue the fact using reason. Logic has no place in pregnancy!
I'm afraid you are just going to have to accept for the next few months your dear sweet wife, will be an emotional lunatic and you must take everything, yes, everything on the chin with good grace and humour.
She'll be back soon Grin

Offred · 28/02/2014 14:42

I don't think I'd be happy about this since no matter how separate you keep individual finances, you have shared responsibilities. Given she is pregnant you need to be more conscious of what you do with money and I'd think, unless you had loads of it, lending anyone money shortly before a baby is born would be quite irresponsible. Also, I think I would feel disrespected and like I was not considered an equal in the relationship if this was done without any discussion with me.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 28/02/2014 14:43

It was just under 5k. It is money that we could use, but equally, we're not desperate.

I'm very certain that she doesn't like my friend (she used to). She has said as much. She has it in her head that I've given him the money so that he can set up a bachelor shag pad, which isn't true.

I think she's more bothered though (and I'm guessing here) becasue my friend has been very generous to his STBXW - who she definitely doesn't like - and feels that we're subsidising her new car.

I acknowledge I'm in the wrong because I should have mentioned it, but I've already apologised.

OP posts:
2cats2many · 28/02/2014 14:43

I would expect my husband to discuss this with me first. After all, it's family money really.

2cats2many · 28/02/2014 14:44

Just read your last post. I totally sympathise with your wife's point of view. I'd be livid too.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/02/2014 14:45

Hope you have your hard hat on, that post does not come across well. But more detail is needed - what do you mean that you have her money and she has hers - are you not married with at least 3 children from this post? So surely all money is family money, and therefore the two of you together should decide how it is spent? So unless the money you have lent to your friend was strictly from a pot of money set aside for your own personal spending (aside from covering all family & household expenses, and your wife has an equal amount for her own personal spending), then I would say that you are probably in the wrong to have lent it without discussion first.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/02/2014 14:47

I think telling her what you were doing would be nice but yes, it prob was a spur of the moment thing.

It might just be hormonal - "he's giving that scoundrel the shirts off my baby's back" or could it be something else? Either way, I'd apologise for not letting her know and ...wait...

LyndaCartersBigPants · 28/02/2014 14:47

If you have separate money and this was from your pot, not family money I don't understand why she was upset about it. Presumably this would have been used for your hobbies, trips or toys so the only person missing out is you.

Perhaps with the baby on the way your DW wants to revisit how you manage your finances and was hoping that any money you had spare would go into a baby pot or a family pot.

I've never really understood separate money once you have DCs, but I know a lot of people do it. If your DW isn't comfortable with that, that may explain her reaction.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/02/2014 14:47

Wow - 5k of family money without discussing it - yup, you are so in the wrong.

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/02/2014 14:47

That's a lot to lend without discussion , I'd be fuming .

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 28/02/2014 14:47

Also, she's only really decided she doesn't like him since he separated from his wife.

She has said that she can't trust me (which I can sort of see). But I know the money will be paid back shortly.

OP posts:
TheGonnagle · 28/02/2014 14:47

£5k? Is that a great deal of money in your house? In ours it is, and if my dh had lent/given/spent/etc it without discussing it with me, especially just before mat.leave, I would have been beyond angry.
It may be yours/hers but really it is family money and needs to be discussed. Will you ever see it again? Before the baby arrives?

eurochick · 28/02/2014 14:47

I think you should have discussed it with her first. We keep our finances largely separate, but I wouldn't loan or spend that kind of sum without speaking to my husband about it first. Not because I need his permission, but because our lives are intertwined. If, e.g. one of us became short of money due a job loss or some other reason, it would be for the other one to step up and cover the mortgage and bills. Presumably if you suddenly did become short of money, your wife would be paying to make sure you have a roof over your head. So it would have been right to consult her.

Offred · 28/02/2014 14:48

£5k! Shock not sure I'd forgive my partner for giving that away without discussion when I was 5 months pregnant no matter who it was given to. Unforgivable I think, what on earth were you doing?! I have a policy of never lending more than I can afford to lose, what will you do if you need it and can't get it back?!

Why did your friend split with his wife incidentally?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/02/2014 14:48

Wow - five grand- ah, I wouldn't be impressed. Will you see it back?

Just acknowledge the er mistake and wait.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 28/02/2014 14:49

Have you agreed a repayment plan with your friend? Lending money is a sure fire way to break up a friendship if you're not in agreement about how/when to repay it.

CailinDana · 28/02/2014 14:49

5k?!! With no consultation? And a baby on the way? Good lord.

I would be so incredibly angry with my dh if he did that, I don't know what I'd do.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2014 14:49

That amount of money you definitely should have talked to her first. It's immaterial that it came out of your personal funds or that you're not desperate for cash as a family. Big money decisions should always be inclusive.

I think it's wrong to say this is down to pregnancy hormones. If you did something like this and can't work out why you got it wrong, I suspect there will be other things you've messed up that you're unaware of as well.

pointythings · 28/02/2014 14:50

I wouldn't be happy if my DH lent someone £5k of our family money without telling me now, and I am not pregnant. You made a big mistake and your DW is not overreacting.

Offred · 28/02/2014 14:51

If your friend can afford to pay back £5k within 3 months I can't possibly see why you would need to lend it him and why he couldn't save it himself?

Either he won't pay it back in that time or you've taken a spectacularly stupid and unnecessary risk with your whole family!

Backonthefence · 28/02/2014 14:52

I think we need a little bit of context how important is 5k to you? Some people can afford it without any issue.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 28/02/2014 14:53

My wife earns her own money. I earn my own money. She (sometimes) pays 400 towards bills every month. It used to be 500 but she reduced her hours. She's left with a decent amount each month.

I pay all of the bills and genrally manage the finances. The money was "sort of" from a family pot, but it's one that I built up. My wife (although lovely) is not particularly financially responsible will spend a pound if she has a pound

If I'm honest, I knew that she'd refuse if I asked, so I sort of convinced myself that I didn't have to. My pal would have lent me the cash (had I needed it) and she knows this.

OP posts: