A female perspective required.....

[Contrarian78]

I'm hoping someone here can help. I've posted before an experience I won't soon forget and I'm really at a loss.

To cut a long story short, my wife is 5 months pregnant. It has not been an easy pregnancy (possibly age related) and her hormones are all over the place.

Needless to say, I can't do right for doing wrong. I'm not perfect, but I feel she's over-reacting (this is where I need the helpful people here to take a view).

She has taken the children to a friends (after calling me every name under the Sun) becasue she found out that I've lent a friend of mine some money. I have my own money (and pay the bills) and she has hers. I think that she's upset because she doesn't patricularly like the friend I've lent it to, as he's separating from his wife (which is why he needed the money). She likes my friend's STBXW even less.

I don't want to make anything worse, particularly as she's so fragile, but I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong.

[waltermittymissus]

moomin I see what you meant :)

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

That's a different arrangement, if I've understood you, OP. My arrangement results in each person having the same absolute amount. If you earn £2k and she earns £1k, you each pay in 50% of earnings for bills, you end up with £1k and she ends up with £500.

Might have misunderstood you though!

How did she find out?

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

Personally think best arrangement is; partner A earns £1k, partner B earns £2k, so £3k goes in the family pot. If £1500 of that is spent on family shared spending, then each partner has £750 left for personal spending afterward. Obvs massively hypothetical figures. And I say this as always having been the higher earner.

You guys don't sound like you're working together as a team.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Yeah, I'm advocating what OneDay says (think my post could have been clearer!)

[Contrarian78]

You're right, it is a different arrangement. If we were to do as you suggest, she'd actually end up with more than she earns. I'm more inclined to save (which she isn't) wich is why I say it's "sort of" family money. I encourage her to save, but she doesn't. She just isn't wired tht way. She knows we have savings, but wouldn't know how much.

I should point out that savings are in an account that we both have access to.

She found out because she opened up a bank statement (which either of us very rarely do).

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Ok, so you have one joint account, one savings account - which get the first cut of the income - then one spends account each.

[SparklyMonkeyMummy]

I don't think it's been asked, but you've mentioned that you paid the childcare while your wife was training. Does this mean that now she has trained and is employed all childcare costs come out of her money?

[HelenHen]

You could each agree on an amount to save from this joint amount and then split what's left as disposable income?

However you need to bear in mind that she will need more disposable income during any time she's not at work for entertaining the kids and socialising etc.

[Contrarian78]

We don't have childcare costs. My wife dropped from 37 to 30 hours per week so that she could collect the kids from school. to the extent we incur childcare costs (after school club etc) I pay them. It's very little though.

We wouldn't likely agree on what to save. But I could give it a try.

I'm not convinced that she will need more disposable income. I honestly think she has enough (I know that sounds wrong). She certainly doesn't complain about having insufficient, and in any event, she has access to the savings pot (and money we keep around the house) in the unlikely event that she needs it.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Ok, so it's something like she earns £1k, contributes £400 to bills and has £600 for spends.

You earn £2k, have £600 for spends, contribute £800 for bills and save £600 to the "sort of" family pot - which you actually think of as "sort of" yours.

(Figures are illustrative!)

She knows what you earn, right?

I guess if the situation reversed, would you find it fair?

[AnyFuckerHQ]

has your wife left you, Op ?

[Contrarian78]

That's the crux of it (but yes, different figures) in fact, I do less discretionary spending than her.

Yes, she knows what I earn. I've only ever lied about bonuses and such like when I've bought her someting (jewellry and such like).

She's on her way back. She had already planned to visit friends, but extended the trip in light of his row.

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

Yeah I would be including savings in the "shared family spending".

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

Savings being for your family's future and all!

[biscuitjam]

She's not saying " I wish you hadn't lent him the money because I'm a selfish, mean old witch". She's saying "I need you to stop thinking of us as separate banks. We are in this together and without trust there is nothing left." You seem to be very interested in who contributes what, like you are a business rather than a family. She needs to know that your family is more important than any other commitment. To put that into context, she is carrying your child inside her whilst you are fussing over whose-is-what.You make her sound like half-reprobate and half-your mum. I'm sure you don't mean to be, but you sound a bit immature. As somebody said so concisely earlier, don't be someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

[Contrarian78]

I don't want her to feel that we're separate. She has been given the choice as to how she wants to do things (and I like the fact that she has her own money to spend as she wishes).

I'm not interested in who contributes what. I only mention it here lest people think I'm being financially abusive. But as she has qhite alot of autonomy over her money, I feel that I should have some too. That I choose to save (and I don't do this at her expense) leaves me thinking that I should be able to help a mate out if necessary.

I do accept though that she needs to know (and feel) that she comes first. She's not a reprobate, we just have different attitudes to money. I've spent long enough without having any money to know that having a buffer is important. She just doesn't see it that way, and will quite happily live one month to the next.

[waltermittymissus]

and in any event, she has access to the savings pot (and money we keep around the house) in the unlikely event that she needs it

Unless of course you've cleaned it out for your mate without telling her.

Correct me if I'm wrong but you are the poster who bullied his wife into having sex, had to be told more than once to stop doing something sexually to her that she didn't want and generally treats her as a second class citizen, are you not?

You always start these threads where you've, at the very least, treated her like shit and then come to the conclusion after much wailing about your unjustified flamings, that you were in fact a total dick and will strive to do better in future.

Except you come back with something else.

[Gomez]

I'm clearly reading a different thread. It would appear that all 'family' savings are due to the OP not spending all his free cash each month; whilst his DW contributes not proportionately to the cost of the household and then spends all her free cash.

OP - you need to set up a family savings pot - into which both you and your wife contribute. You keep the same amount as your wife does as free cash each month. You can then lend from this amount as you please.

But you should still have told her.

[Gomez]

But having now seen the post above mine must caveat with I have no idea of any back story.

[biscuitjam]

But this is not about spending styles at all. This is about discussion, sharing, working together. If she said no, then it would be your place to express why you thought it was a good idea. It's called civilised negotiation. You don't sound like a bad bloke to me, but you are missing the essential point of why she is upset. You chose someone else instead of the woman you (I imagine) love. She feel betrayed.

[Contrarian78]

Gomez Correct.

I admit that I hadn't fully appreciated how she would feel, but please remember, we've lent these sorts of amounts before (ad nshe's been incredibly relaxed about it almost taking the "it's your money" view

I have treated my wife poorly (in that respect walt) in the past. I have improved though, and even she commented on it - to the extent that she was more than happy to proceed with having another child (something she really wanted).

I'm not always right, but I'm just a little bit surprised at her reaction. That's all.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Cont

It doesn't count that you've lent the money before "after a discussion" and she was fine with it, even in a brief discussion. It counts that (a) you didn't have the brief discussion this time and (b) you chose not to have it because you thought she'd say no. Don't lose sight of this before she gets back!

[AgaPanthers]

I don't think it is a good idea to lend people money. I lent someone £5k once and I didn't get it back.

Now I just say no.

We have a functioning financial system in this country of banks and money lenders.