A female perspective required.....

[Contrarian78]

I'm hoping someone here can help. I've posted before an experience I won't soon forget and I'm really at a loss.

To cut a long story short, my wife is 5 months pregnant. It has not been an easy pregnancy (possibly age related) and her hormones are all over the place.

Needless to say, I can't do right for doing wrong. I'm not perfect, but I feel she's over-reacting (this is where I need the helpful people here to take a view).

She has taken the children to a friends (after calling me every name under the Sun) becasue she found out that I've lent a friend of mine some money. I have my own money (and pay the bills) and she has hers. I think that she's upset because she doesn't patricularly like the friend I've lent it to, as he's separating from his wife (which is why he needed the money). She likes my friend's STBXW even less.

I don't want to make anything worse, particularly as she's so fragile, but I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong.

[hellsbellsmelons]

5,000 pounds!!???
Holy cow. And you didn't even discuss this large sum of money give-away with your wife before you gave it away!???
I would be livid too to be honest.
And as you are a family, it is family money and any big purchases or spends should be discussed prior to being bought/dished out.
What time-scale has your friend given you for paying this back?
If it's soon then not so much of a problem but if it's not, then I'm with your DW on this one!

And agree with WooAGhostCat

It's only a few months. I suggest some serious grovelling on this one to be frank!

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Yes I regret saying hormones- I assumed wrongly we were talking a couple of hundred here...

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

Oh and yes, she's probably more pissed off that you've put her reaction down to hormones than anything! It's a bit like saying "ooer, time of the month is it?" Guaranteed to make any woman get the rage.

[AllThatGlistens]

5k?? And you didn't think it might be prudent to discuss it with her at all first?

Nope, I'd be furious too, and I'm not pregnant and am reasonably level headed.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh dear.... saying nothing because you knew she'd say no is very deceitful. It shows no respect for her opinion and lot of selfishness on your part. As far as this thread is concerned, if I were you I'd recognise the size of the hole and stop digging.

[Offred]

If I'm honest, I knew that she'd refuse if I asked, so I sort of convinced myself that I didn't have to.

I'd be convincing her to LTB. You basically have no respect for her do you?

Need to look for your last thread...

[AllThatGlistens]

I've just seen your last post

You have a very skewed view of family finances...

[LoonvanBoon]

I agree with CailinDana - unless you're spectacularly rich & 5K is to you & your wife the equivalent of about fifty quid for someone on an average income.

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

Either it is family money or it isn't. It can't be 'sort of' family money, I.e. earmarked for baby bits, but then you take it out because you're the one who built it up. That's a bit shit to say the least.

[RRRJ83]

Personally I think the fact she doesn't like your friend is a good enough reason to be annoyed you lent him money. Pregnant or not.

Also, pregnant or not, she has every right to be annoyed you lent money to someone without discussing with her first.

I can't believe you say in your original post you don't think you've done anything wrong. How can you say you have apologised when you now say you don't think you've done anything wrong! It obviously wasn't a sincere apology. You need to do some serious making up so she can trust you will be open about everything, you are married, it's not a separate life you both lead.

It's hard being pregnant, don't add to it by suggesting that you're unreasonable behaviour is normal and she is overreacting because she's pregnant. Go do some grovelling.

[WooAGhostCat]

Changed my mind! Even without hormones in the equation that is
I thought you were talking about £50!
Your poor wife!

[waltermittymissus]

I really wouldn't bother with this poster....

[AllThatGlistens]

Oh not another one?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Oh Cogito that made me laugh!

[Contrarian78]

You're right I thought you would be

I haven't suggested to her that it's hormones, she'd likely kill me.

I do have respect for her; however, me and this friend go back decades. I'm confident that I'll have the money back by mid April (he's a contracter so gets paid in lump sums). She's not too bothered about the money per se, but rather that she says she can't trust me. That sort of hurts becasue we've never gone without.

Also, his wife left him. She possibly had an affair but has since tried to win him back having realised that her ex-boyfriend was still an ar5ehole

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

I don't think it matters who earns what and how you label it - you are married, you have children, you are a family, that was family money you just gave away.

It does sound like deeper issues though, you don't seem to trust your wife with financial decisions. And you knew that she wouldn't want to lend the money, but you did it anyway - you are placing your friend above your wife and family there. It sounds like some honest discussion is needed.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

She can't trust you because you've gone behind her back. It's immaterial that he's a good mate and you'll probably get the money back. Those should have been the reasons you gave her for making the loan... not the ones you used simply to justify it to yourself.

Your mate and you might have more in common than you think if you don't start acting like a team...

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

Well she clearly can't trust you to not go around giving away thousands of pounds without checking with her that she's ok with it.....you can't just say you respect someone, you have to act in a way that shows respect, and this situation doesn't show that.

[Offred]

he's a contracter so gets paid in lump sums

So him paying you back is dependent on him being paid and being able to pay you?

I wouldn't trust you either and you have a funny understanding of respect if you think you respect her.

Has your sex life improved? That's what you posted about before isn't it?

[Contrarian78]

Just to clarify, I say "sort of" family money because it's money that would have'will be spent on the family. I spend very little if anything on myself.

Message recieved an understood. I was just tryingto get a sense check.

I know I'm in the wrong, I was just trying to work out to what degree.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

£5000 is around 36 weeks worth of SMP post the 90% period, isn't it?

When you don't ask your spouse about doing something because you know they'll say no then you are... not exactly "honouring" them as per your wedding vows, are you?

[Offred]

You said you really didn't feel like you were doing anything wrong in the OP?

Do you understand that to stand any chance of fixing this at all you need to learn how to respect her so that she can trust you as well as actually repairing the damage from this breach of trust during a time she is particularly vulnerable?

[normalishdude]

probably should have asked her but I can't see why its a major issue.