A female perspective required.....

[Contrarian78]

I'm hoping someone here can help. I've posted before an experience I won't soon forget and I'm really at a loss.

To cut a long story short, my wife is 5 months pregnant. It has not been an easy pregnancy (possibly age related) and her hormones are all over the place.

Needless to say, I can't do right for doing wrong. I'm not perfect, but I feel she's over-reacting (this is where I need the helpful people here to take a view).

She has taken the children to a friends (after calling me every name under the Sun) becasue she found out that I've lent a friend of mine some money. I have my own money (and pay the bills) and she has hers. I think that she's upset because she doesn't patricularly like the friend I've lent it to, as he's separating from his wife (which is why he needed the money). She likes my friend's STBXW even less.

I don't want to make anything worse, particularly as she's so fragile, but I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong.

[Contrarian78]

The sex life has improved though I think it's going to take a turn for the worse I eased off and things improved. I'm also much more reasonable.

My wife has had finacial issues in the past and I've spent much more than I've lent my friend paying off her debts. I ask that she makes a contribution to household finances and then she keeps the rest --which is still 1200-1300 per month.

I have apologised, at the moment it's falling on deaf ears.

[HSMMaCM]

We both pay our wages into a joint account and each have the same amount of pocket money each month, to spend on chocolate anything we like. DH would still talk to me if he was planning to lend a friend £5000 of his pocket money (he's unlikely to have that much).

[Contrarian78]

Sorry, I should clarify. I knew I was doing wrong (if I'm honest) but didn't think it was THAT big a deal.

I do suppose she feels vulnerable though. That I hadn't appreciated.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

FFS .. NEVER make that argument about her debts and your friend's loan and how much you pay into the household or you'll be twatted round the head with a shovel and with some justification. Don't be one of those arseholes that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

[Offred]

Just because she's made poor decisions with money in the past and she hasn't considered you doesn't mean it is all go for payback though - you know that right?

Is the respect thing the underlying problem with the sex life? If her overspending maybe led to a lack of respect/resentment for her do you think maybe it improved because she took you pulling back as a sign of respect and it is now going to worsen because you've done something disrespectful?

It doesn't sound particularly great. I imagine she isn't going to have such a high income when the baby arrives either.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And there is no gradation of 'wrong'. It's as insulting to be kept in the dark about small stuff as it is to find out big stuff. If anything, it's the small stuff that you don't think is a big deal that's going to have her walking out of the door. It'll chip away at her trust of you and you'll never get it back

[tiktok]

GhostCat, you are being ridiculous. Pregnant women are not 'emotional lunatics' unable to use logic.

This is so insulting to all women who are pregnant/have been pregnant.....pregnancy hormones can make women feel emotional at times, for sure, but not to the belittling and scathing level you indicate.

OP - £5k is a massive amount of money to lend/spend without discussion first. Most partners would expect to make a joint decision about it.

[Offred]

I do think you need to fully appreciate the position she's in and how she feels. No matter what you earn £5k is still a lot to lend and it's a bad time to lend it and even worse to do it without discussion.

Could your friend not have done without the money? Was a part of you lending it to him a bit of a passive aggressive attack?

[IrisReticulata]

You lent someone five grand and it's your wife who 'though lovely' is bad with money?!

Someone needs to look in the mirror.

[Contrarian78]

Oh, I'd never mention the debt I paid (though I did gripe about it at the time!)

My friend needed the money to set up a new house. He asked (which was hard for him) I had it, so I gave it to him. Iv'e lent him oney before (and he me) and it's never really been a problem.

She has maternity pay (NHS) and won't be expected to make any direct contribution to the household. We've argued about money before - not seriously- and we have a joint account. She prefers to keep her own money, and I'm happy with that. It's part of the reason that I don't ask her for a larger contribution.

[IrisReticulata]

When you say she won't make any direct contribution, what do you mean?

Won't she be looking after the baby?

[Offred]

If he's borrowing because he can't manage his income properly how can you be sure he'll pay you back when/if he gets paid? Can you afford to lose the £5k? If not, I don't think you should have leant it at all.

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

IrisReticulata makes an excellent point.

[Offred]

Her maternity pay is very likely to be much less than her current disposable income. Were you planning on topping her up at all or were you just going to expect she cuts back on her lifestyle while you maintain yours?

Could you not have expected your friend to use his money to move into a house in April which is only one month away? What a risk it is to take with your family for what seems to be a very small benefit for your friend.

Were you trying to get at her?

[WooAGhostCat]

Tiktok I wasn't being belittling or scathing at all! You've misinterpreted that one.

OP despite your 'realisations' that yes, you were wrong, you are still coming across as a patronising twat.
My advice to her would now be LTB!

[Contrarian78]

It's not becasue he can't manage his income, but rather because he needed to set up a new house leave aside the fact that he'd been overly genrous to his STBXW - which is really none of my concern

I wouldn't have lent it if I absolutely couldn't have lived without it.

I meant that she wouldn't be making any direct financial contribution (towards specific bills such as mortgage etc)

[Contrarian78]

I'm not exactly sure what hse gets in terms of maternity pay (it goes down after a number of weeks). She actually has more disposable income than I do.

I'm not trying to be patronising and don't want this to get out of hand I assumed I might be in the wrong, but hadn't appreciated to what extent. As I say, we've lent money before, and it wasn't that big an issue.

[slug]

This sentence jumped out at me

The money was "sort of" from a family pot, but it's one that I built up.

You did not build up that pot of money. You both did it by virtue of your wife taking on all the childcare and associated tasks, leaving you with the time to pursue your career. If she hadn't taken on these responsibilities, this pot of money would have been eaten up with childcare and you would not have been free to work overtime/late/when your children were sick and your career would have suffered as a result

[tiktok]

Well, GhostCat, were you being ironic/sarcastic, then?

[IrisReticulata]

Yes, I knew you meant a direct financial contribution.

I was just thinking that, if I were your pregnant wife, and you'd lent 5k of the family money to someone without asking, while making comments about how poor I was with money, and while conflating 'contribution' with 'financial contribution' until you were reminded that the two are not the same ... I would be wondering what your redeeming features were.

You sound as if you don't really value what your wife does, or her opinion.

[Offred]

So you don't even know what her needs are likely to be when the baby comes or how it will therefore affect your finances as a family and you just went ahead and leant the money anyway?

Why couldn't your friend wait until he gets paid?

[Contrarian78]

My wife worked full time. She recently (month ago) went par time - to spend more time with the kids.

I work a few minutes drive from where the kids go to school, so drop them off every morning, and collect them when they're sick. When the kids were younger, I paid all of the nursery fees (my wife was then a student nurse and her bursary wouldn't have even covered the childcare.

Apologies, people just assume!

[Offred]

He is supposedly going to have the money 1 month from now, the only reason I can see he'd need the money is if he wasn't sure he was going to manage when he gets paid. If he didn't need it, why lend it?

[Offred]

Paying for childcare when you have an income and she doesn't so that she can train for work which will support the family is not something you get a prize for. Don't know if you've just got caught digging a hole now...

[Contrarian78]

The money was lent a while back (a few months ago).

We do know (we had a look at what she was entitled to) it's just that it wasn't really that material that sounds twatish I know

Being on maternity leave will mean that her absolute income will drop. Not having to contribute towards bills, or have the expenses associated with work, should mean that she's not any worse off. She might even be slightly better off.