A female perspective required.....

[Contrarian78]

I'm hoping someone here can help. I've posted before an experience I won't soon forget and I'm really at a loss.

To cut a long story short, my wife is 5 months pregnant. It has not been an easy pregnancy (possibly age related) and her hormones are all over the place.

Needless to say, I can't do right for doing wrong. I'm not perfect, but I feel she's over-reacting (this is where I need the helpful people here to take a view).

She has taken the children to a friends (after calling me every name under the Sun) becasue she found out that I've lent a friend of mine some money. I have my own money (and pay the bills) and she has hers. I think that she's upset because she doesn't patricularly like the friend I've lent it to, as he's separating from his wife (which is why he needed the money). She likes my friend's STBXW even less.

I don't want to make anything worse, particularly as she's so fragile, but I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

I don't think it's unreasonable that the friend needed the money - presumably he is moving out of the matrimonial home now, not next month, and presumably he has visibility of the payment in April. He'd probably have got a loan or overdraft on that basis or a credit card limit increase.

The OP was still unreasonable in not discussing it though.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

It is the sort of thing I would have done, had I the money, in my younger, more selfish days.

You know it is selfish right? You went behind her back, you gave family money (a lot) to someone she doesn't even like.

I would admit it all, make a plan for not doing stuff like that again, and grovel. She sounds like she wants to see some serious changes.

[Contrarian78]

He needed the money as he had to put a deposit on a place and furnish it. He left everything at his former marital home. In that sense, it was a very immediate need.

I didn't ask for a prize for paying childcare fees. I was just pointing out our situation.

[trufflehunterthebadger]

I would have an absolute flipout if DH lent anyone 5k without consulting me. Whether he considered it "his" money or not. And I'm not pregnant

50 yes. 5k absolutely no way

[WooAGhostCat]

tiktok google 'tongue in cheek'.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Did you do it several months ago and she has just found out?

[slug]

So your friend walked out on his wife (leaving her with children to house perhaps?) and you feel he's being unduly generous by 'letting' her keep the house to keep a roof over his children's head and feel entitled to finance his new home?

[Twinklestein]

You got a legal loan agreement?

[trufflehunterthebadger]

If I'm honest, I knew that she'd refuse if I asked, so I sort of convinced myself that I didn't have to

No, you didn't "convince yourself you didn't have to". You decided that you didn't like what her opinion would be and that as you consider her to be frivolous with money that her opinion was of no value at all.

DH did this to me once (not the same situation but failed to consult me on signing up for sky at a cost of 80 per month). he will never do it again as I went berserk.

I'm not surprised your DW is angry.

[Offred]

The need for the money matters because you've placed it higher than your relationship.

It'd have to be a great need for me to do that I think, greater than a friend wanting to move out of the family home after a break up a few months earlier than planned.

[tiktok]

GhostCat :)

[JustSpeakSense]

I think 5k is a huge amount of money. I don't think lending money to friends is ever a good idea. I think partners should speak to each other before such big decisions are made. I'm with your wife on this - and I don't think pregnancy hormones have anything to do with it. You were out of order.

[hellsbellsmelons]

slug she had an affair if I remember previous posts correctly.

tiktok I took it as completely tongue in cheek and referred to it in my first reply.

OP if your DW has 12-1400 per month to spend now then there is absolutely no way on this planet she will be 'better off' when on SMP!

I think you both need to sit down and work on your finances.
Everything into one pot - all bills paid and everything taken into account, i.e. if she buys all the kids clothes etc... pays for all the clubs then these need to be taken into account.
And then put some into a separate savings account and then you split what ever is left 50/50 and you spend it on what you want.
But still any big purchases should be discussed.

You need to work with your DW on what is acceptable financially in your relationship because it isn't working right now.

[MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe]

slug The way I read it, the guy's now ex-wife walked out on him as she was having an affair, and now the guy won't take her back. Sure it said something along those lines further upthread.

Why is the man always the villain for some people?

[Contrarian78]

My friend and his wife had been having difficulties for some time. She struck a "relationship" with an ex-boyfriend via Faceache. She hasn't admitted to an affair, but reading between the lines.......

He was actually primary carer for the kids, but decided that it would be best if he moved out. Atthe same time, he got hit with a pretty lumpy tax bill. He asked for help, I gave it to him.

The reason I bought my wife's pregnancy into this is because I felt she over-reacted. She has been prone to outbursts and has burst into tears becasue our 4 year old DS has asked for beans instead of peas.

I agree, we do need a new settlement in terms of finances. I've suggested it before, but it always feels as if I'm taking more from her (which I certainly would be if I asked her to contribute proportinately).

[waltermittymissus]

The man isn't always the villain, tbf.

The friend could be perfectly lovely.

But the OP is a gut-churning misogynist so all you're going to get from him is breathtaking sexism and a headache I'm afraid.

[MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe]

Walter Ooh don't get me wrong I wasn't trying to stick up for Contra at all

just wondering why slug immediately jumped to the conclusion that the friend had walked out on his wife and abandoned the children that we don't actually know if they have.... even when it's been stated upthread that the wife had an affair and left.

[HelenHen]

Fwiw I've got a massive amount of respect for your wife. Leaving with the kids whilst pregnant cannot have been easy.

Well done op for coming here looking for advice too... I'm sure you knew you'd be flamed.

You two really need to sit down and sort out finances. It's evident that the current arrangement is not working and it sounds like she is worried about it. Hellsbells had some good advice above.

There are probably other problems you're also not aware of. Once/if she calms down, please sit her down and ask what concerns she has And what can you do to help. Explain that you're obviously not the most observant and ask if she could spell out any issues to you. Also prepare yourself that it will not be an easy conversation and avoid getting defensive.

[Twinklestein]

In this case it was not an over reaction. She would have been furious pregnant or not.

I'm sure she's aware that unless you have a loan agreement (?)
youre unlikely to see the money back.

[Contrarian78]

Also, my wife won't be on SMP, she'll get the NHS deal.

[HelenHen]

Oh and once you've done the above, please come back and ask us how best to proceed

[slug]

Err, the assumption was made because the OP was complaining that the bloke he loaned the money to was entirely too generous to the ex wife. It was I who made the assumption they had children. I haven't read the other thread.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

OP, one arrangement that doesn't involve her contributing more is all income going into a joint account, all bills and stuff for kids coming from that account, each of you having the same amount transferred to personal accounts for spending money.

That's a pretty common one, I think.

How many months had you kept this secret from her?

[Contrarian78]

We've lent money before, it has always come back (on or before the due date). He's (or he and his wife) also lent us money when we've needed it.

The consensus seems to be that she has every right to be annoyed (which I accept and expected) and that her being pregnant isn't really an issue.

[Contrarian78]

Since the end of Jan (When his tax bill was due).

I've suggested that arrangment (or a variation of it - where we both pay an amount proportionate to our earnings to cover fixed costs). She wasn't interested.