A female perspective required.....

[Contrarian78]

I'm hoping someone here can help. I've posted before an experience I won't soon forget and I'm really at a loss.

To cut a long story short, my wife is 5 months pregnant. It has not been an easy pregnancy (possibly age related) and her hormones are all over the place.

Needless to say, I can't do right for doing wrong. I'm not perfect, but I feel she's over-reacting (this is where I need the helpful people here to take a view).

She has taken the children to a friends (after calling me every name under the Sun) becasue she found out that I've lent a friend of mine some money. I have my own money (and pay the bills) and she has hers. I think that she's upset because she doesn't patricularly like the friend I've lent it to, as he's separating from his wife (which is why he needed the money). She likes my friend's STBXW even less.

I don't want to make anything worse, particularly as she's so fragile, but I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Your conversation tonight is going to go something like, "I'm sorry, I was wrong not to discuss this with you." and not "Im sorry but..." - isn't it?

[HelenHen]

Sorry, when I said she'd need more disposable income... I didn't mean than now... I meant once you split everything fair and then spread the disposable income, she would probably need more than you or Risk being isolated. Hope that makes sense! Fair enough though, seems joint everything is probably not an option. Still a good idea to sit down and ask what she expects/wants each of you to do with your money so you're both clear on this in future!

[thornrose]

OP you deserved the flaming you got last time, your posting style is very distinctive. I really don't know what you want from Mumsnet but I wish you'd go away and stay away.

[Contrarian78]

So, it turns out that she was not upset becasue I'd lent my friend the money, but rather becasue she particularly dislikes said friends STBXW (who had posted on Faceache about having a new car) and knew that indirectly, we were subsidising her.

I again suggested that we look at how we manage finances, but she was still not keen. We've agreed to keep a certain amount in the (joint) savings and that I can save anything over an above that and do as I see fit with it. That was her suggestion, and I'm o.k. with that.

We had a good chat about respect and all the rest of it - but if I'm honest, she wasn't really that fussed, so it was sort of a damp squibb.

Thanks to all of the useful contributors. I'm becoming more reasonable by the day

[MistressDeeCee]

I would expect my OH to discuss lending out such a large amount of money. But essentially, it is yours to lend and Im very surprised your DW upped and left over it. If what you are saying is true, it sounds very controlling to say the least.

Im also bearing in mind a recent thread on here about women who have joint accounts with their husbands being deemed silly for not also keeping money separately. & another about women being financially dependent on husband - again, they were advised this was wrong/weak/needy and they should have their own money. Sorry..I think you will very possibly be treated differently as you're a man. But for what its worth, 1000s of women get pregnant and have done since the dawn of time. I don't feel pregnancy hormones are an excuse for what your wife has done here; again presuming you are telling the full story.

I also dont think anyone on here should be asking you why you gave your friend the money, when he is going to pay it back etc. Those questions are for your wife to ask you. If you can afford it I can't see you've done anything wrong. Back in the day (when I had more money!) I lent my brother a deposit for a flat. Wasnt out of joint account, it was my money and didnt detract from household finances. I wouldnt have done it, if it had. As far as I see it, thats my business I don't have to report to anybody regarding spending my own money, as long as Im contributing fairly. Im not owned.

[Contrarian78]

I agree. One of the issues I had was that I felt she'd decided that she was going to keep the kids away longer than had been agreed and that she'd taken the decision unilaterally because she was annoyed (she was already taking the trip and extended it).

One of the reasons I've always encouraged my wife to have a separate account is because I recognise that she should have a degree of financial independence - she works and earns her own money. I encourage her to save, but I can't make her.

My wife wasn't interested in those questions (partly becasue she'd seen on facebook what (she felt) the money had been used for). I explained, I'm my pal's mate, not his Dad. I didn't directly ask him what the money was for (specifically). I could see that I was in the wrong, but I just felt she'd overreacted.

We've reached a sensible compromise now though (one that she put forward). I appreciate that to many, 5k would seem like alot. It's not chicken feed to us, but equally it's not like I cleaned us out.

[malovitt]

Agree with MistressDeeCee

I just lent ten thousand pounds to my best friend from my savings and didn't discuss it with my DH. It's my money which I have saved and I know I will get it back. I wouldn't have lent that sort of money to anybody though. I've known her all my life, twice as long as I have known him and I trust her.

[LeadingToGadeBank]

It's your money to spend as you please so long as it doesn't detriment your family and you do tell your wife first.

I doubt that your wife informs you everytime she spends £80 on a new pair of shoes or £200 on a handbag.

There's a bit of double standards apparent here.


However, I expect your wife is understandably nervous about the change in financial circumstances that being pregnant will mean as she moves onto a reduced salary via maternity leave, so that could surely have fuelled her upset.


As ever, honest and summarised communication with your wife should help the matter defuse gently.

Lastly, I don't subscribe to the pregnancy hormones rage excuse. I went through two pregnancies without resorting to the kind of supernatural, shapechanging, excess of mood swings I hear many women 'suffer' from in pregnancy.

[caramelwaffle]

It's been nagging at me this whole thread - all this frivolous "spending" your wife does; is it on clothes/items for the children, or the house, of food?

[caramelwaffle]

*or food

[Contrarian78]

Her spending is not all frivolous (did I use that term?). Much of it though could be characterised as such. That's why it's important that she has her own money.

She does have a penchant for what I can only describe as distressed wooden tat which have painted upon them pithy little sayings and quotes.

She does also spend on the Children and Food though.

[Callani]

If your wife is being expected to pay for "Children and Food" from her money, then it's not really her money to spend as she likes is it?

In fact, you saying that her money is more than your money in this situation would be completely inaccurate, because she has to be able to feed, clothe & entertain the children from "her money" whereas you're only responsible for yourself. Hardly comparable.

[caramelwaffle]

Then why all the negativity from you about her spending?

It does not seem she is as bad with money as initially laid out.

agree on twee wooden bits and bobs
dropped wood from the forest and left over Dulux , Bob's your uncle

[caramelwaffle]

Yes Callini

Indeed.

[Contrarian78]

My wife is not expected to pay for Children and Food - far from it in fact. I tend to pay for the majority of the food (the "main" shops as we call them) and she pays for incidentals - the bread and milk, etc. I also pay for school uniforms, shoes and other bits and pieces, but it would be unfair of me to say that she doesn't buy the kids ceretain other clothes.


You seem to be keen to paint me as some sort of super villain. I'm not, honest Guv'

When she was in her early twenties, she ran up a credit card debt. I paid it off. She's not horrendous with money, she's just less likely to save than I am, that's all.

[struggling100]

This may be a ridiculously simple suggestion, but why not have three accounts? One joint account where you both deposit a set amount each month from which ALL the necessary expenses (food, clothing etc) are paid - one each for the rest of your money. That way it's crystal clear what's 'personal money' and what's 'family money'... and you will not get into a situation again where you're arguing over the pots that belong to each of you individually.

[Bitofkipper]

You may not be a villain OP but you are bloody irritating.

[Contrarian78]

Struggling I suggested that. She wasn't keen. I'm satisfied with there we've ended up. It's not perfect, but it'll work.

kipper You're just a meanie.

[Bitofkipper]

I think it's a combination of your threads that have made me a meanie, to be fair though you are consistent. You are always irritating, a bit like a mozzie. I like the sound of your wife though.

[Contrarian78]

I think I've posted here twice.

My wife is usually utterly agreeable. I'm a lucky boy most of the time

I might change my username to Consistent78

[sykadelic15]

While I agree she had right to be annoyed, she DID overreact and should have instead had it out with you about it and explained why she was upset. The reason she didn't was probably crazy pregnant hormones.

Now she's back and calmed down you found out what the real issue was and it's all sorted.

But as a general rule - if you think she'll be annoyed or say no and you go ahead and do it anyway, try not to be surprised she's upset!

[Fairenuff]

You didn't ask her because you knew she would say no.

Did you honestly not see what's wrong with that?

[LeadingToGadeBank]

Stop giving him hard time. I bet his wife doesn't tell him every time she spends £29.99 on one of those silly bits if painted shabby shite plywood plaques with YOLO on them.

[Contrarian78]

Actrually, it probably wasn't that she'd say "no" (though she would have initially) but rather that she wouldn't have approved. In much the same way that I don't especially approve of some of her spending.

Leading You're right, the sh!t just turns up in the house.