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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Repercussions of an affair

311 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 14:19

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 09/01/2014 14:21

ALL of it was a step too far, my love Sad.

Get yourself some space from him and his family.

Think about what you really want. Then get it.

JoinTheDots · 09/01/2014 14:22

No, you are not. Do not take him back. He is living with the other woman, he is introducing her to his family, he is trying to get back to where he was - having his cake and eating it. No doubt if you did take him back he would lead the other woman along with some crap about how he had to go back or you were going to kill yourself, but he still loves her and wants to keep seeing her, and this is not forever etc. etc.

Cut contact with him unless you need to discuss the children. He is being an arse of the highest order.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 14:24

The trouble is it's been so, so hard to be left with four children. There is a big part of me that thinks if he doesn't want me nobody else will. It's so easy to fall for all the declarations of love and hope it will all be OK but really hard to forgive the deceit

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 09/01/2014 14:25

ALL of it was a step too far, my love

THIS FOR SURE ^^^

You're thinking about taking him back but he hasn't even finished it with her yet!!???

This is all very very wrong and.... WOW - just WOW!!! Confused

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 14:26

I think you feel so betrayed precisely because you were starting to fall for his bullshit again. This man lies the way other people pass wind... daily and without breaking stride. It's not the OW's fault, his Mum's fault or anyone else's fault that he's a liar. He knows what he's doing and it's appalling

Please, for the sake of your self-respect, get him out of your life for all but essential communications about your DCs. No more cosy chats about how he's going to tell the OW it's over etc.

JoinTheDots · 09/01/2014 14:29

Having children is not going to stop someone else seeing how lovely you are. I am sure it is hard, but he will still have to be their dad, and help you with parenting, even if he is not living with you as your husband. Please do not accept his declarations of love while he is still with the other woman (or at all, by the sounds of it). You can and will do better than him.

elesbells · 09/01/2014 14:30

I agree

How could you even consider taking him back.....or believe his undying love declarations when he's still with the other woman? I'm honestly shocked...he's still lying and cheating...but on you both now!

I would cut him off for a bit...and insist he ends it with her before even THINKING of taking him back..not that I ever could, but that's your decision.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/01/2014 14:33

Hi op

Please don't let this very sorry excuse for a man/father colour your view of men in general. There's some lovely blokes out there if and when in the future you feel the need, but right now that numpty needs kicking to the kerb and I know no better vengeance than gifting his sorry arse to some other dozey bird.

Wrap his arse in a bow and send him on, your already managing the kids and everything else on your own, stuff gets easier when you haven't got to worry and micro manage their shit for them as well.

un mumsnetty hugs to you

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 14:43

I've read so many posts on here where people have been through similar situations. The hurt of someone being prepared to wipe out 14 years and four children and a shared history for a younger ego massage is unbelievable. He's now saying it was all a fantasy, he's realised what he's lost and following the whole "can't live without you" script. I've supported him through so much, been the main wage earner and juggled that with four children. I feel so worthless that he could just throw that all away. My children are so young and I can't understand why he thought he wasn't betraying them as well as me. I suppose the temptation to take him back is so great because it's made me feel so worthless. I want it to all go away and be back to how it was. I'm frightened and that fear is making me consider having him back

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 09/01/2014 14:55

Your trying to think thinks through and make decisions through a haze of shock and disbelief op your asking the impossible of yourself at the moment. You need time to process preferably without him there and being buzzing in your ear like an annoying insect.

He's sorry he got caught but to be honest his overtly obvious behaviour and being seen out etc means that he unconsciously wanted it to be known.

Why should he want to leave? All that washing to do meals and strange beds/ sofas all that upheaval could be side stepped if only he could convince you he's sorry, and get you to carry on as normal.

The problem with that scenario is that so will he ..carry on as normal that is Thanks for you and Hmm for him

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 15:01

You may feel worthless now but it's because you're hurting, you've got a lot on your plate and the future looks daunting. But if you took this liar back, imagine how much more worthless you'd feel. You'd know every day you'd sold yourself short.

Do you have any RL support? Friends to talk to?

meditrina · 09/01/2014 15:04

Some (remarkable) people do make a marriage work again after a major betrayal. But it's the harder and more uncertain path.

And one which simply cannot be embarked upon when the wandering spouse is still with the OW at all, let alone introducing her to his family.

Twinklestein · 09/01/2014 15:09

Even if you did take him back things will never be as they were. You'd have to share him with this other bird, which will be even worse for your self-esteem. Fear is always a bad basis for a decision.

harryhausen · 09/01/2014 15:11

OP, you've been the main wage earner, raised 4 children and juggled and held everything together.

Fair from worthless - you sound amazing.

I can totally understand the fear. The fear won't last forever. You do NOT deserve to put up with this.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 15:36

Deep down I know the only way forward is to divorce him and get on with my life but I'm terrified! The people on here are amazing with such logical and wise words. It's so difficult when you're going through it to see through all the rubbish you're being fed..I've left him to come in to work. He's in a crying heap saying I will regret it if I divorce him as we're "meant to be" together and he'll never love anyone else..Has anyone else experienced someone having an affair and then carrying on as if they are the victim.

OP posts:
EllieInTheRoom · 09/01/2014 15:36

It never fails to amaze me how blinkered some women can be when it comes to their sons, especially in regards to the mother of their grandchildren! Shame on her OP.

But masses more shame on him.

Is sounds like he is just hedging his bets still. His behaviour is disgusting. Like PP said you deserve so much better.

You will cope, you will do brilliantly!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 15:38

Of course you're terrified. It's a daunting task ahead and it's bound to make you have doubts. But the answer will be to get extra help, RL support and make him step up to the parental plate, even if you don't live under the same roof any more.

BTW... when you say you've 'left him to come to work' are you saying he's at your place?

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 15:42

He has come to look after the children while I work..I think that's part of the problem..I have to see him a lot as we share the childcare and he has to come to my home as obviously he can't take them to her parent's house. He arrives looking mournful every day with tales of how unhappy he is and how he's destroyed his life. However it's doubtful the other woman would be planning weddings and babies with him if he was telling the same story that end! I'm trying to be strong and stop myself being taken in by it all..i want my head to take over from my heart but it's really, really hard!

OP posts:
EllieInTheRoom · 09/01/2014 15:46

What a shit! What an absolute shit!

I'm so sorry for you OP. How dare he try and make you take pity on him.

Ive no advice I am sorry, I just feel angry on your behalf Angry

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 15:52

It is part of the problem. It's convenient for you and I'm sure the DCs like him being around but you're never going to move on while he's camped out on your sofa and taking the opportunity to keep fucking with your mind....

For the sake of your future, you're going to have to find a different child-care solution.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/01/2014 16:17

Op think of it this way he shit on his and your doorstep and now he's rubbing your face in it. At some point you will hit the angry stage, normally writing it all down for the mumsnet massive helps you get there a lot sooner than normal.

Your just starting the grieving faze of all this lovely, hey I've been divorced 12 yrs and on and off he's still trying to get in to my knickers even though he's re married with 3 more kids. Some men never grow up never learn and make the same mistakes over and over. Meanwhile us girlies move on dust ourselves off and learn from the painful experiences they give us. You will be grateful you dodged a bullet a ways from now, but that day will come honest.

TheGinLushMinion · 09/01/2014 16:31

You really need to find an alternative to your childcare arrangements as what your doing now is never going to work.

You need space totally away from this pathetic excuse for a man in order to clear your head & see that you truly are better off without him.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 16:51

Your responses mean so much..Just had an email from him begging me not to divorce him and saying he's "trying" to finish with her. I've had loads of support from an amazing network of friends and my family have been fantastic. The stupid thing is even though I'm putting on a front and devastated by this everyone thinks I'm coping really well. Have kept on with work, done lots of lovely things with the kids and gone out with friends even though I feel so sad and desperate inside. He meanwhile has been signed off work as he is unable to cope, has no friends and is a jibbering wreck..I can't understand it as it's all as a result of his own behaviour and he's playing the victim.

His mother says it's not his fault as he inherited the affair gene from his father. She has also been very forthright on his "rights" over the children. I don't want to upset anyone by reducing the contact but it is leading to this horrible situation..Astonished I'm so easily manipulated. Reading this in the cold light of day and your responses makes me realise what a fool I'm being. Thankyou. You're all helping me gain the strength to make the right decision xx

OP posts:
harryhausen · 09/01/2014 17:22

"The Affair gene"

Bloody hell. I've heard everything now. What utter utter UTTER bollocks.

OP, I have no doubt that your dh is devestated, scared, worried, desperate not to loose you - but he did it to himself. Only him.

You will be on autopilot. You'll have to be. The crushing sadness at the whole thing will come at you in circles, but you will get past it. If you pretend to be strong, you can be strong (eventually).

AliceinWinterWonderland · 09/01/2014 17:30

His mother is so so wrong. He is a prize twat. He didn't inherit any "affair gene." She is just making excuses for her little precious.