Repercussions of an affair

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

Don't for one minute think you are doing the wrong thing.

He's a great manipulator and doing a real job on you making you doubt yourself.
Yes it will be hard but listen to some of the people who have been where you are now and how much better off they are.
You have supported him financially whilst he looked after the kids. One minute he wants to renew his vows the next he's taking her to visit his mother!! He has no friends and your friends don't really like him.
He likes to feel sorry for himself.

I would definitely look into getting some counselling support on your own and look into the logistics of alternative childcare arrangements for some of the time, whilst still giving him access to the kids, without always being there to see his mournful, self pitying face.
It really is his responsibilty to sort out somewhere to take them and i would not want him in the house moaning that you still haven't taken him back whilst still keeping his bit on the side.
A solicitor will give you advice on how to deal with access.

Stop beating yourself up. This is everything to do with him, and having a Wally of a mother doesn't help. It's not your problem how he feels anymore.

I don't think it's just this appallingly shitty man who's made you feel that you weren't loving enough to keep him it's the ridiculous mantra that if someone has an affair, it's because their needs weren't being met by a partner.

You've absorbed this belief somewhere along the line and that's why you feel responsible for his behaviour.

Reject it. It's always been a crock of shite because if he'd been that unhappy, he had other ways of dealing with it.

You are not responsible for what someone else does.

My Nan had a very sage phrase for cheating husbands

"If one woman wasn't enough, two won't be". There's a lot in that, imho

I won't reiterate what I and everyone has said already about walking away and not looking back, bug I will say that you need to tell your children the truth (age-dependant versions of course). If they have no idea why this is happening, and you are looking like the baddie for chucking their 'innocent' dad out - especially when he gets to come round when you're not there - how knows what he's told them, and what impact that will have on your relationship with them?

Wow he's done a job on you.

Please don't think that your DD's tears at school were your fault, they were his, and what's more he doesn't care! It would have been a lot worse without you being so strong.

If nothing else makes you use the rage I hope this helps.

He is not worth your energy or emotion.

You'll never find anyone who loves you like I love you

Well thank fuck for that, loser.

He's now saying divorce is just a piece of paper and as I'm the love of his life we will get back together eventually. I'm utterly confused. He did this. He could have stopped it by dropping her and is now claiming he's devastated by me going for divorce. I'm utterly confused. Why is he clinging on ? Why doesn't he just get on with lIfe with her. Thanks for your posts they give me such strength. My whole life is consumed by this. When will that stop. I hate him occupying all my thought

It will stop when you want it to stop. Get control. You are doing so well. You sound amazing. H sounds like a dick. Well done for filing for divorce. Deep breath. Carry on. He is not a child. He can leave her if he wants!

And how can u be the love of his life whence is dicking around with somebody else. Listen to yourself. Please x

It shows how little he thinks of you.

I bet the other woman is getting fed up and now he's trying to salvage the security he had with you.

Or he wants you as a back up if that happens.

He doesn't eat on with life with her because he can have you both. Stop letting him. Give him the shock of his life. Don't play as he expects you too.

If he wanted to leave ow he could have done it in a split second.

Just carry on as you are, stop engaging him/giving him the time of day and get yourself out of this.

Tell him you'll believe it when you see it.

He is annoyed you aren't toeing the line.

It is all power games so he can say he didn't want the divorce, it was all you.

You are still giving him far too much head space. It is doing you no good at all .

Why is he clinging on ? Why doesn't he just get on with lIfe with her.

Think about a cat with a mouse. He is a very adept manipulator and you are so much fun to play with. Stop playing ball & kick him to the kerb. He doesn't love you (actions speak louder than words), but he does like playing on your neediness - it makes him feel important, needed etc but it's hurting you again and again and again. Just stop rewarding this man with your time and attention. Seriously.

It's absolutely possible he's this confused. It's possible that's he's starting to realise how much he's given up for so little.

Maybe he's enjoying the drama. Maybe he likes the part time dad role but doesn't enjoy living her parents. Who knows what's going on and why. You could spend the rest of your life trying to work it out and you'll never know for sure because he's dishonest.

The bottom line is when someone realises they've made a terrible mistake and hurt the person they love they don't dick about any more. They apologise with their actions as well as their words. They suddenly seem grown up, contrite, reliable.

When someone really is sorry you feel it and see it in them.

And as for "no one is going to love you like I do" = he's special, you're lucky.

What he should be saying is "you're amazing, anyone could love you - I fucked up I'm an idiot, I'm sorry" = you're special , he's lucky.

Every time I waver and worry if I'm doing the right thing I come back here and you're helping so much. You're right. His idea of love is very peculiar. I think the only person he loves is himself. I'm going to be positive plan some lovely days out with the kids. Get the house sold and buy something more affordable and try to move on. It's amazing how you manage to block out the bad. My friend said today she's never met such a lazy man. She said she always thought he was punching way above his weight and is astonished he has found somebody else. How do these men do it. I read so many stories on here where women are fighting to keep the most shocking men. Why do we do it. I'm so worried for my children. Will they cope with this?

Your children will cope, you and they will find a way through this. You have has the strength to put up with this idiot for long enough, re-focus that energy onto more positive things for you and the kids.

I found reading the Chump Lady website really gave me strength.

She has different posts on her website explaining why you feel the way you do or why he does what he does.

You trying to figure out why he's doing what he does is called Untangling the Skein of Fuckedupness.

And at some point, you need to accept that there's no point doing that, trust that he sucks is another one of her mantras.

Children are resilient.

And one day they'll understand why you had to leave and you'll have taught them an important lesson about there being consequences for your actions and what a healthy relationship is like.

I want to tell the children what's going on. He says that's not fair. I've told him I never want to see his mother again. If she wants Cosy chats with the ow she can but I'm not running round after her as well. I won't stop her seeing the kids but her son can arrange that. I feel awful. Been worrying all night about kids, coping, loneliness. I must be so unloveable if all it takes is an ego massage from a younger woman to destroy my marriage. I'm reading your responses. I've gone in chump lady. He fits completely. I've been in tears all night thinking it's all my fault. They're going away to a hotel next weekend. I can't imagine ever having that again with someone else. I just imagine myself drowning in a sea of washing, homework, whining, child related demands while him and her waltz around on their romantic weekends. I adore my kids but bringing 4 up on my own is so daunting. I'm dreading her meeting them. She's asking to see them and thinks she'll be like a lovely big sister. What if they like her more than me too. This is horrible. I can't see how it will get better.

What an absolute weasel (sorry, weasels). You'll be well rid. He's totally betrayed you and his children.

Yes, you feel dreadful and it all seems so hard ... but you'll get there, you'll be happy again. Loads of support here for you.

This has got nothing to do with how 'lovable' you are. Don't keep second guessing him & doubting yourself. He's already treated you like crap so don't treat yourself that way. Be kind to yourself. The fact you're worried about how this will affect the children shows that you're a good mum and a decent person. There are plenty of people that would never do something like this to you out there.

And as for coping alone, at least you won't be living with a man that did something so horrid to you. You're holding onto your self respect. It would wear down your confidence and I doubt you'd ever fully trust him again anyway.

If you're kids are old enough you can give them a watered down version maybe? It wasn't 'fair' of the man to have an affair and THEN play the victim so forget about fair. Just do what you feel is right.

And maybe stop talking to him about anything other than childcare, as I highly suspect he'll get nastier and nastier and it'll get harder for you.

(Obviously don't tell them if they're too young/just because you want to hurt him).

You're doing really well

(When you keep thinking this happened because of you/your 'worth' then try and remember what your friends have said. I.e he was punching above his weight/lazy etc).