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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Repercussions of an affair

311 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 14:19

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
SauceForTheGander · 17/01/2014 12:14

The real him OP is the man who took your DS money to spend on OW.

Sorry

Onmyownwith4kids · 17/01/2014 12:29

You're both so right. It helps that you've experienced this and know where I'm coming from. He's so convincing when he says how much he loves me. But then he must be equally convincing with ow for her to be so besotted. I can't believe how I'm letting one weak man dominate how I feel about myself. I've been on chump lady. I know there's the pick me dance going on here. I want to stop it but I can't. He told me yesterday he didn't know how to end it as he's worried how her and her family will react. Meanwhile I'm at home as his daughter is crying that daddy keeps going. I know he needs to go properly and for good with organised access to kids. They're confused. You're giving me the strength, insight and resolve to see through this manipulation even though there is a huge part of me that wants to believe him and for this to all go away x

OP posts:
SauceForTheGander · 17/01/2014 12:38

Stop listening and start watching - people show you who they are.

Your poor DD.

Onmyownwith4kids · 17/01/2014 12:52

I'm just trying to work out a way of going no contact. Second viewing on house on saturday. Desperate for it to sell. Then he will haveto stop swabbing in and out and I might get money together for an au pair. I'd love to be able to have nothing to do with him. If it wasn't for the kids it would be so easy

OP posts:
SauceForTheGander · 17/01/2014 13:10

Very hard for you to go NC - but could you refuse to discuss anything with him regarding OW, his feelings etc?

Just don't answer him, don't engage and wait for him to shut up. Being silent can be powerful at times. It shows you what that person is really saying. Or just change subject to DCs, practicalities.

He could have easily left this woman and her parents. Does he owe them money or something? I don't get it. He's such a liar.

Whatever it is it's HIS mess. Disengage, deep breath and stay quiet on all subjects except childcare. It'll be clearer sooner than you realise. 72 hours and you'll be feeling better.

I'd have brushed so much under carpet to take my ex back. Luckily for me he didn't make much effort and I had a very revealing conversation with OW. I think I had lucky escape.

Cambridgechick · 17/01/2014 14:24

You are worth more than this, your children are worth more than this. It is hard now, but it will be harder in 10 years time when he has done it all again. Does anyone have experience of a man who has behaved like this and then reformed? I don't see anyone posting. I considered leaving 10 years ago when I first found out. Now I realise it would have been far easier to start over 10 years ago.

Tinkertaylor1 · 17/01/2014 14:43

Op if he came back , you would never ever trust him, you would have no respect for him. After the initial rush of happiness wears off you will start to fucking despise him.

This is all on the off chance he leaves her, if he really wanted you back he would have set him self up in flat away from her to try build things back. How could you even have contemplated getting back with him while he is still shagging her?

Look at your daughter, see her tears at what he had done and turn that self pity in to full on fury that he has broken his family so much.

I honestly don't think your reluctance to go NC is about the kids, I think that is just an excuse to yourself.

What a ridiculous situation you are allowing. People only treat you the way you let them.

By he way I was the pick me girl waaaaaay back. I allowed him to get in my bed from hers. He fucked us both of for some one else that he stayed with.

I seen him a few years back and he was fat and bald, he was grinning and waving trying to get my attention, he was lucky I didn't spit in his face.

skyeskyeskye · 17/01/2014 14:54

If he truly wanted to end it with her and be with you then he would. Who cares what they think? He needs to grow a pair and stop bullshitting

Onmyownwith4kids · 17/01/2014 17:05

He's now left her, moved in with his mum.

OP posts:
Tinkertaylor1 · 17/01/2014 17:11

onmy I give him a week before he is back in your bed.

I personally wouldn't speak to his d m again after her so easily accepting her in to the fold.

Good luck!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 17/01/2014 17:16

Please read this thread again if you are tempted to have him back.

He really is the most pathetic excuse of a man.

Onmyownwith4kids · 17/01/2014 17:30

I'm not taking him back. Have told him that. He says he will prove himself.

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 17/01/2014 17:50

He's certainly proved himself when he had an affair since spring (?) last year, got found out in August and has been screwing both of you over since then :(

Please stay strong op. you can have a good co- parenting relationship with this man but as a partner I wouldn't wish him on anyone. Thanks

SauceForTheGander · 17/01/2014 17:57

Good luck OP. take everything he says with a tonne of salt.

Including who just left whom ....

Onmyownwith4kids · 17/01/2014 18:10

Sauce it had occurred to me that she had had enough!

OP posts:
SauceForTheGander · 17/01/2014 18:31

Make it all about you - not him.

When you put yourself first weirdly everything works

Christie12 · 17/01/2014 18:32

Yeah me too, she may have got fed up of his whinning. also she she may be thinking how could if ever trust this man when he can have an affair for so long and want to leave his wife and 4 young children. what does that say about the man I have won? Roll on another few years they get married and then she is the one being cheated on.

My EH is still unhappy and wants me back after all this time, but I know it would never work cos I don't believe a word that falls from his mouth. I would never put myself through it all again. Yes there are still many things I like about him and he will be in my life cos we share the child care. But thats as far as it goes.

DustBunnyFarmer · 17/01/2014 18:34

Or her parents saw through his BS and gave him his marching orders...

AnyFucker · 17/01/2014 18:41

He's been dumped

Don't take the ow's unwaged sloppy seconds love. You are way better than thst

AnyFucker · 17/01/2014 18:43

Lol @ unwaged

I meant unwanted

Christie12 · 17/01/2014 18:45

OP you must think about yourself first and the children. Take control, you will feel better for it. You can't control what DH does, but you can have control how you live your life. Having my children helped me get over the sadness and my close friends and family especially Mam helped. Keep busy and go things with your DC and friends, even if you really don't feel like it, do it, get out and will be surprised how day by day you can do this be a single mam. I have closer relationship with my DC now and get 2 nights a week when DC stay at EH. This gives me time to recharge my batteries and go out with the girls, have fun and feel supported by good friends. Its not what I would have choose, being a single mam but I am so I make the best of it.

Onmyownwith4kids · 17/01/2014 18:50

Why do I now feel guilty that I won't let him back. Think would have cracked had it not been for the wisdom in these posts. Endless pitiful texts now. Have told him his love for his girlfriend was special enough to destroy a family for and to go back to her. Not easy though!

OP posts:
Christie12 · 17/01/2014 18:51

Unless you can have 24hr CCTV on the DH you will never really have any peace of mind. You will just be waiting for the next time he screw up and im sure he will. I know I don't know him, but I have bitter experience of the type of person he is. Can you live with him always wondering what hes up to, where he is, whos he with??? Hes been found out this time, so next time he will be more devious as to not get found out again.

Christie12 · 17/01/2014 18:58

You feel guilty cos of the family unit has been broken, and you won't let him back to keep messing it up and you still love him. Of course,you still love him, your not like him, you are not selfish, and you are not weak. Please keep this to mind. You did not break the family unit, he did. You have nothing to feel guilty for, only he should. But Love is not enough to make a marriage work.

SauceForTheGander · 17/01/2014 18:59

No texting back ! Ignore him. Leave him to chat to MIL. About this affair gene or whatever he's got.

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