Repercussions of an affair

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

That wouldn't work though, skyeskyeskye, as he'll run round to the OW he had to say that but of course he only wants her. I have read on here someone who did just that.

'Affair gene'?! This woman is a complete twat, of course you feel betrayed. If this woman wants to see you DC, let her make the effort yo come to you for supervised visits, god knows what DH's could be telling them otherwise. They don't need to hear this behaviour being minimised by their grandparent. That's a disgusting attitude.

For your own self esteem stop getting dragged into this torture. As lots of people have pointed out, if he wanted to finish with her he would have. It's that simple. You need to walk away with dignity for the sake of the children - get yourself a solicitor, sort out alternative childcare and let him and his idiot GF get on with it. You deserve more than this.

You are so far from pathetic. I think you sound like an awesome, strong, caring woman who has just lost a bit of perspective on what is reasonable behaviour due to the environment of selfish morons she is surrounded by.

You, and your children, deserve better than this idiot.

You can and will make it on your own, and in 6-12 months time you will very like me and so many others coming in to tell someone else the same. MN and my rl friends and family hit me through and luckily I got angry early on - that helps big time! When you loom at Jim and think how dare you do this to my dc you're getting there! Don't firmware the email but print and save it, it San be used against him at done point - in court, whatever. But you know you have it. Stop letting him into your home - you need your privacy. Go and see a solicitor and find out what may gap one - having factual information can help whether you go fir a divorce or not, but stop threatening him with it, just do it when/if the time is right for you. In the meantime get your important papers out your house now - marriage der, birth cents, passports, financial details as if you do go down the rubrics route it is better if you have them.
As others have said you do not want to win this 'prize of a man' - let his gf reap what she sowed, can she ever be happy with a man when she knows exactly what he is capable of? I once told xh and ow that they were perfect for each other, ow screeched "why are you bring F'ing nice?!!!!", I smirked, walked away then said "I'm not!" Took her a while to work it out! He is a selfish man and if you just let him back in you are allowing him to treat you like this forever, be kind to yourself, van him from the house as you need your space and get facts behind you - tax credits saved me financially, my family and friends emotionally. I now can't se what I ever saw in him. Ignore xmil as blood is thicker than water, she may not be happy with it but can't see a way out xx

You've all given me so much strength. Thankyou. He's tried to contact his girlfriend to finish it. He can't apparently. Funny that. I must stop communicating with him. He wants to renew our wedding vows now. I might have fallen for all this claptrap had it not been for your wonderful posts. Thankyou. I've got further in the last few hours since posting on here than in the last few months. I've been trying to make sense of a ludicrous situation. Still bloody hurts though

He wants to stand up and re-pledge to 'forsake all others' but he hasn't even gotten rid of the woman with whom he broke your first set of vows

Oh OP you really are well rid of this prize twunt.

I agree, we'll rid. Imagine how proud you'll feel when you have turned your back on this emotional blackmail and unnecessary drama, and are making a new, better life for you and your DC. You can do it.

I just feel so sad that this is the example he's set to our children. He's been horrible for the last year and I've danced around like an idiot trying to make him happy. He even thought it was funny that when there was a certain watch he wanted me and the ow both bought him one. It amused him that we may have been bidding against each other on ebay Why can't I just stop loving him. I know he's awful. What is wrong with me. I want to stop caring

"Why can't I just stop loving him."

In the grand panoply of wisdom that is Country and Western song titles there's a brilliant one called "How can I Miss You If you Won't Go Away?" He has to go away so then you can grieve and move on. All the time he's hanging about and drip-drip-dripping his sob-story, the part of you that is not enjoying being independent and responsible will be thinking it could all go back to how it used to be.

Really... charge him for the childminder and get him out of your house.

Good grief, you don't want to win him. He isn't a prize just a prize prat.
He has lied, cheated, manipulated and lied some more.

The very first thing you need to do is to stop replying to his pathetic emails. What on earth can he possibly say to save things now?!
He doesn't want to put all his eggs in one basket does he? Nice little set up with the girlfriends parents, a deluded young thing planning a future and you...still listening to his shit.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but really, the moment he got a thrill from the both of you bidding against each other for his present is the moment his egg basket should of gone right up his arse

I am really pleased you're finding support on here helpful.

You can do it on your own, you are capable and strong.

Once you get some distance you'll hopefully realise how much better off you are without him!

Good luck OP.

Btw that watch story made me want to punch him in the face.

He even thought it was funny that when there was a certain watch he wanted me and the ow both bought him one. It amused him that we may have been bidding against each other on ebay

This tells you a whole lot about his character. He is enjoying the attention and the drama of it all. He likes the idea of you both fighting over him.

Let. Her. Have. Him. She can spend the rest of her life checking his phone to see if he's cheating on her. YOU, on the other hand, will be well shut of him, and eventually find someone that treats you with love and respect, instead of the contempt that he treats you with.

You are sooooo much better off without him.

Oh, and chew on this. He is definitely still sleeping with her - why else would she be looking up how to reverse the vasectomy??

Get angry, get rid, of the lot of them! Bastards!

Has anyone else who's been through this suddenly realised that BEFORE the affair there was actually lots of incredibly selfish behaviour. I've bailed him out of debt, run around sorting kids and cleaning while he lies on the sofa. Organised pretty much everything and he's the one who had an affair as he felt he was the lowest on my list of priorities and needed to feel "loved".

You're all helping me so much. Having your responses makes me see through him. He's so convincing but then I suppose that's what makes manipulators so successful. Gradually I'm stopping harping back to the good times and beginning to see that this affair is maybe the tip of a very selfish iceberg. Thankyou all so much for bothering to respond. It means so much x

He is terrified as well, poor thing. What if you really let him know he is not wanted back and then the other woman's ardour cools? Men do like to have a safety net handy!!!Dammit, he would have to find somebody else!!!!

It's like the frog and boiling water - if you put one in when it's hot it'll jump straight out. If it starts off right but the heat is turned up, it'll stay until it boils to deth.

You've just had a wake up call to where the thermostat has been. And it's a nasty shock. The things you thought were a bit off but fundamentally OK, you are reinterpreting in the light of the new information that it wasn't OK and he wasn't invested in the marriage and family as you thought.

Don't settle for second best now you know that's all he was really putting in.

You haven't stopped loving him because, had this been any other crisis, you would have done much to see your family (and him) through it. Because you believed in him and the relationship, and that doesn't turn off overnight. You need time to make the mental shift away from that. And it's Ok to set your own timetable.

Please read the Chump Lady website. She describes so much of the behaviours you describe here.

Yes, he caused it all and yes, he will act like a victim to play on your chumpy sentiments.

OP I have just read the whole thread and your posts read like someone slowly emerging from the dark. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Please find some rage about this. Your story about the watch made me incoherent with rage on your behalf.

I am starting to feel sorry for the OW, she sounds a very young 26 who has been completely fooled.

You however sound a lovely woman who has, as Edith said, been subjected to frog boiling of the worst sort. You deserve much much better.

If it helps with your question, I can't recall one thread from a woman who'd discovered an affair where it didn't turn out that her male partner was selfish and often quite lazy and entitled prior to his affair. Of course it's the tip of the iceberg and really, how could it not be?

I really hope that he does finish with this woman and both of you can get on with your lives without him. But I worry that he'll finish with her (or say he has) and you'll take him back.

Please don't.

This is coming from a poster who genuinely doesn't believe all the 'once a cheater' crap that's often spouted by people and who genuinely believes that with enough work and change from the straying partner, relationships can recover and even improve after an affair. I've seen it happen amongst family and friends.

But not in this case.

In a nutshell, this bloke who was already a selfish lazy arse lied to you for ages, left you for the OW, enjoyed you both 'bidding' for him (this gave me the rage too) and now that the OW has been found to have feet of clay (or is assertive, more like) he wants to come back so that previous 'service standards' can resume.

He doesn't love you. He probably prefers his old life where everything got done for him in maid fashion though.

Tell him to sling his hook and stand firm.

Love the frog analogy. I know everything posted here is so true. I know how appalling and unforgivable behaviour. It's so hard though. I've invested so much in this relationship. If I walk away I feel like the last 14 years have been for nothing. I'm lucky I know that. I have four beautiful children, amazing friends and a really good job. Why am I allowing a man to make me feel so worthless. I honestly thought I'd be straight out the door in these circumstances. I hate myself for being so weak.

The last 14 years weren't for nothing. They were a means to an end to get your lovely children . But if you carry on with this twat your future will be a wasted one.

You aren't weak. You're in shock!

If you're talking investments there is the concept of cutting your losses... not throwing more money after bad. The last 14 years have not been for nothing. You're older, wiser, have lovely children, a nice lifestyle. i.e. you've spent 14 years maturing and improving which is normal and not a waste of time.

I actually got back together with my husband after he admitted an affair. I was so relieved he'd chosen me over her because, like you, I was so upset and couldn't imagine life solo. I was prepared to put it all in the past and 'move on' as a couple. Forgiveness was in my little heart. I would be a better wife so he wouldn't stray again. In many ways it was a mistake but in others it was the best thing I ever did. Over the subsequent weeks and with the raw shock wearing off, my confidence started to return. Calm was restored. The panic subsided. That's when the scales fell from my eyes, I could calmly see him for the unrepentant knob he really was and I realised I had sold myself very short. Game properly over and never looked back.

Toffee and Cogito I know you're both right but I've become a weak crumbling wreck again. Last night I went out with a friend who said what did you ever see in him anyway. I never thought he was good enough for you..Lots of people have said the same. But I got married for life..i wanted to stay together through the ups and downs and have that stability. I feel like I've let everybody down and I'm a massive failure. He's just come round to look after the children and I've had the whole "You'll regret it if you divorce me. We were meant to be together. I love you I can't go on without you"..I know what utter, utter rubbish it is but I WANT to believe it and that's what's holding me back..Ant the thought of starting again with four kids in tow..who will ever want to get involved with me..The youngest is only 3 so it would be asking a lot of someone