Repercussions of an affair

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

There's a lovely phrase I tend to use in these situations, such as the accusation about using the children to get at him. It's this..

"I'm sorry you feel that way." and then change the subject or end the conversation.

You're not apologising. Simply indicating that it's a shame he feels that way. And that's it.

I can imagine there are currently thousands of OWs/second wives who believe that their partners left for them, just as there are probably thousands of men who in reality got dumped by their wives and had nowhere else to go. That's her look-out isn't it?

For all you know, she's got fed up with him too, but he's spinning you a line that he wants to end it with her.

In these situations, best only to believe what you see and hear with your own eyes because all the other protagonists have got an agenda.

Divorce is the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean it won't be painful. I suspect it will be nothing like as painful as being lied to for a year and then abandoned for an OW.

When he tells you you're using the children to get at him, that's the real him. Not the one claiming undying love.

Just tell him he can see the children as often as the agreement you draw up with your respective solicitors prescribes; it will be based on the children's needs. But you will from now on be looking after the children in separate residences, like all divorced couples.

eyes and ears...gah!!

Ignore him.

He lost the right to enter your house when he had the affair. He's just clutching at straws.

Why have I now become obsessed with the idea that this is all my fault, I wasn't loving enough to keep him and he's going to have a lovely life with his new woman

He will not have a lovely life with this new woman. Because he is the type that will never be happy with what he has. He will always be on the lookout for the new OW.

It's not your fault.

Oh OP. I don't know why you're blaming yourself. Somewhere tangible to direct the pain though isn't it. Be gentle on yourself. This wasn't your fault. You said yourself he's let you run around after him for months.

He's a fucking twat. His story about the watch is vile. How arrogant to share that with you. He's behaving like a dog with two dicks. If it helps I hate him even if you can't.

You sound absolutely lovely. Like your friend said he did not deserve you.

Look - as for this new woman. Don't torture yourself. The bottom line is you know he's being duplicitous. And we know any half decent relationship needs honesty. God knows what crap he's telling her.

STOP listening to his shit.

STOP caring about what he says.

This man is soon going to be nothing to do with you other than the father of your children. When he decided to fuck another woman he lost the right to tell you anything. If you really must engage with him, the next time he comes out with some shit about using the kids against him, ask him exactly what you are meant to do about the fact he is fucking someone else? Then, dependent on whatever bollocks he comes out with ask how he would be feeling now if you had allowed another man to fuck you.

Just stop giving him so much head space, it will do you no good at all.

It is not your fault

You did not cause this

You can not change this

You can not change him

He will not have a lovely life with OW-he is a lying cheating twonk who will do to her what he did to you. Thank god he has had the snip so can not reproduce and leave other children in his wake.

Look after yourself and DC-you are an amazing strong woman and you will have a wonderful life together infr

Crap! Posted before finished!

You have an amazing life in front of you all-not the life you envisioned but amazing and loving nonetheless.

Wishing you much love,x

He won't be telling her that you forced him to divorce.

He has been doing the double lying thing, telling both of you that he wants you and that the other one won't go - while he hedges his bets and is keeping her as a reserve.

So far he is letting her go ahead with planning wedding etc- what else could he do if he is staying with her parents? Tell her, oh I don't want to be with you, I've been begging my wife every day to take me back. Of course he's not 'trying' to end it with her because if he did he risks being homeless.

The main problem here is the childcare. It means he is around too much and in your house. You can't move on like this. He broke the marriage and has been dangling you both for the past year. Even if you did take him back he would probably keep her on on the side, spinning her some story about how he is martyring himself for the children and that if she will wait then they can be together when the children are older or some other shite like that.

You need to get an aupair or mothers help. Plenty of agencies to supply those.

Then tell him that as he caused the separation, and you are now divorcing him on the grounds of adultery, you expect things from now on to be as normal for a divorced couple. Tell him that he is no longer able to come to your house to look after the children as he does not live there any more. He will have to make arrangement as other single dads do, to have the children every other weekend and one night midweek. Tell him this will start next Wednesday and that he can pick them up from the end of the path and will not be entering the house.

I think I remember your thread from last year when you threw him out. I have seen some situations on mumsnet in the past 8 years but none as unbelievable as this, where a man is thrown out for having an affair then keeps the mistress on for months and months with full knowledge of the wife who claims not to be able to make up her mind whether to take him back or not!

He made that decision for you. When you threw him out he kept his other woman on. He didn't make enough effort to put things right, for you to even consider for one nanosecond that he could come back.

Move on, your marriage is gone. A lot of the last 14 years will have been good. But don't throw more time into the black hole that your husband has become.

You have a good job, that's more than a lot of cheated-on spouses have on these boards. Just get rid. CHange the locks, get an aupair, send the kids to stay with him for his visitation next weekend. I'm sure his new inlaws won't put up with that for long.

I did tell him we could give our marriage another go ages ago. I told him it was on thecondition that we lived apart for a while and rebuilt from scratch so I knew I could trust him before he came back home..maybe I was too harsh..he's not got any up and go so would never have been able to sort out his own accomodation so I suppose in a way I've forced him into her arms..You're all right though..Really I should be grateful she's taken him off my hands..I really appreciate all the posts and support on here..I know that his behaviour is despicable, I know I'm better off without him it's just really hard not to feel scared and a failure that I couldn't make things work. I know the children will be upset too.I've not said anything negative about him to them so they think I've kicked him out and keep asking me to let him come home. My daughter's teacher phoned to tell me she'd been crying at School and it makes me so sad that I couldn't make it right for their sake

whoesomemum you're so right..when I met him I wasn't attracted to him in the slightest but he pursued me relentlessly..I think I needed to feel needed. He made me feel like nobody else would ever love me like he does, lots of comments like "you'll never find anyone who loves you like I do"..I think this is what his new girlfriend has fallen for (and strangely I don't blame her she never made any promises to me, she's never met me)..He's very good at making people feel "special" but looking back on it not backing it up with actions. He's still doing it with lines like "I can't go on without you."

You did not force him into anything. You CAN NOT make anyone do anything they don't want to do.

You can't make something right on your own.

Do not take him back for the kids sake. Keep him out for their sake!

You probably won't find anyone else who loves you like he does/did. He loves you when he wants a shag but not when he has someone else to fuck. That is not love.

It is over. Stop engaging with him. You are prolonging the agony.

Read other threads where posters have been where you are and have come out the other side. They are all doing brilliantly. You are holding up your own new life by obsessing about him.

Great advice from Flippertygibbet.

"Why have I now become obsessed with the idea that this is all my fault, I wasn't loving enough to keep him and he's going to have a lovely life with his new woman"

Because he's telling you it's your fault, basically. I know he's not saying it in so many words but you are being guilt-tripped by a pro on what sounds like a daily basis. He knows which buttons to press because he's had years to work them out. He's exploiting the fact that you are depressed and have misgivings. He is capitalising on your loneliness. Everything he says and does is designed to have you doubting your judgement, doubting your ability, questioning yourself. That's why you have to cut off the communication.

BTW... tell the kids the age-appropriate truth. Don't let them carry on believing that you threw him out on some random whim and making you out to be the bad guy. You and Dad have decided to live apart and Dad has decided he'd like to live with 'Doris' instead. Not bad-mouthing.

It's bad enough that he cheated but this man has the cheek to lie further and try to manipulate you. He is not sorry he did it. He's sorry he got caught and now he may wind up alone...

He's using the guilt card as he's all out of tricks and it sounds like you're a pretty nice person so he's trying to 'appeal' to that as he is running out of things to hold on to you with.

I hope this thread helps to give you some strength.

(And staying with a man that can do that to you is not a good idea as far as kids go because it's a pretty shitty example of a relationship. He's shown you how little he respects you but STILL playig the victim when it's you who's reeling. How dare he, really).

you'll never find anyone who loves you like I do

That's lovely

It sounds like he's made you feel worthless well before this affair. You're worth ten of him and could certainly find someone who would love you and not treat you like this. Just being single is better than that!

You didn't force him into her arms and you are not responsible for his accommodation! !!!!

You wanted him to end it with her before you would consider taking him back. He wants guarantees that he can come back before he will dump her.

If he was so sorry and so desperate to win you back , he'd have dumped her and slept on a park bench.

OW and her parents probably think he is a poor chap whose wife uses hin for chilcare when it suits her and neglected him during the marriage.
Never underestimare the way a man will lie to both women in order to serve his own needs and keep both wanting him.

Was this relationship co-dependent OP?

If so him needing you has become your identity and role and part of your role is to excuse his behaviour. Like his mum saying it's not his fault it's in his genes.

But he's a 39 year old man. He could find a place to live, he could break up with this 26 year old. He could do these things if his life depended on it. He's just been led to believe it doesn't matter if he's useless and hopeless and can't get his act together because turning up crying will be enough.

Don't do it OP - be your own woman. Be confident in yourself.

Oh and I doubt very much that her parents know he lives with them due to being thrown out when his wife found out about his affair with their daughter.
My cousins affair was found out when his wifes work colleague was showing off her wedding photos .... her husband was the plus 1 of a female guest. He d had this OW for several years and had a full social life with her and had met all her family. While he was 'doing overtime' or 'working extra nights'. Her parents to this day do not know they started as an affair.
Oh and 12 years and 2 kids later he left that wife for an OW too

OP, the more you write about him, the more dreadful it sounds. He doesn't appear to have any integrity at all. If you weaken, just remember him finding it funny that you and OW bought him the same present. That is just sick.

No wonder you are scared about making the break, but you really can't stay with someone so idiotically selfish and who has so little respect for you.

I can't imagine why you think he will have a lovely life with OW. She, as I mentioned, sounds very immature and is creating some fantasy romance about marriage and babies that ignores the slightly more sordid reality of shagging a married man. At some point she is likely to grow up or the glossy sheen will rub off when it isn't all secret star crossed lovers.

I remember when I split with my ex husband I would be alone forever, I am not. You probably need to focus on yourself and the kids for now, but when you are ready, I am sure there will be lots of options out there for you.