Repercussions of an affair

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

words are cheap. his actions are what matter. You cannot believe a word he says until OW is off the scene for good. FWIW, I don't usually say LTB, I think that if people have a chance and want to work things out then they should give it a go if they want to. BUT....

at the moment your H is showing no signs of being repentant, or sorry about what he has done. He is still willingly engaging with OW. He laughed over you buying him the same present.

You cannot think about the future while he is still with OW. He is playing you against each other and having great fun doing so.

Instead of looking back at the past 14 years as being a waste, there are other more helpful ways to look at this.

You've learned that performing cartwheels with a broom up your arse doesn't prevent a selfish entitled man from straying and treating you very badly in the process. You're living proof of the 'good wife' myth that many people unfortunately still believe. Because the truth is, allowing a partner to do more in a relationship while laziness goes unchecked leads to disrespect and occasionally, complete contempt. He saw he could get away with murder by doing so little, so the affair was just more of the same.

Imagine wasting the next 14 years on a man whose respect for you would be even worse, if you took him back now? Imagine how your own self-respect would disintegrate?

Challenge this thing you call 'love' too. What do you actually love about him as a person now?

I can see that if he had other good qualities before the affair, you might have minimised his laziness and lack of respect for you (and perhaps you didn't even see it as disrespect, but it was!) - but the affair revealed the real truth didn't it?

Of course few people are all good or all bad, but this bloke seems to be unusually debited with appalling character traits. Whatever is was that you loved about him, did any of it really supercede these traits now that you know about them?

I would forward all of his emails to the OW. Don't go back. He's clearly a spineless idiot. You have already coped without him and you will only get stronger.

X posted. If lots of people are telling you that he's a waste of space and he was punching way above his weight anyway, do listen to them.

It takes people a lot of courage to be that honest, because they must know there's a risk you'd let him back. They must really dislike him and fear for you, to be that honest.

I am utterly terrified. I've started divorce proceedings. There is no going back I have paid a solicitor the fee upfront. I can't really afford it but I had to do something to put an end to this torture..I don't want to do it, I wanted to believe my marriage would work..How do I cope with this. I feel my life is over I am utterly, utterly devastated frightened and upset but feel I have been backed into a corner where I have no other option

You haven't let anyone down.

HE broke his marriage vows. That makes them null and void imo.

You got married for life.

HE didn't, or if he did you were meant to put up with him cheating on you and your children.

Stop worrying about someone else. You need time to grieve for what you thought you had in your marriage before you even think about a new man. Have some time alone.

You have done so well and instructing a solicitor is a big deal. Stop talking to your soon to be ex now. No more listening to his crap.

I've been protecting myself from the hurt..trying to pretend it wasn't happening..Will this hurt get better. I am utterly, utterly devastated. Instructing the solicitor was a huge thing that I've delayed and delayed..I saw one back in August so he had all the details and we already had a separation agreement he will now convert to a divorce. it's so final and utterly, utterly terrifying..am I being pathetic xx

I married for life too. I wanted to work everything out because I loved him and because our DD had only just turned 4.

After my XH walked out, I begged him to come back. He did, for 6 weeks, then left again. Then I discovered all the thousands of texts to OW. I came onto MN for support in how to "win him back" and promptly got told what a lying cheat rat he was and why did I want him back anyway?! Despite that, I still pursued him. After he wrote me a nasty letter, detailing all my faults (he of course, had none), it was finally over. MN was fantastic, nobody said I told you so, even though they all knew it.

I arranged a solicitors appointment. I asked XH to come round the night before and I asked him if he was certain it was over, told him again that I would do anything he wanted to make things right again. He said no. So the next day I filed for divorce.

It was the last thing that I wanted to do. I remember crying in counselling that I was being forced to get a divorce that I did not want, but she made me "own" the decision. I divorced him because he no longer loved me, because he had been texting/emailing OW and because I knew that he would get into debt as soon as he left.

I was divorced just 6 months later. I cried and cried and actually I am just crying now while typing this because it wasn't what I wanted and it is a really sad memory, but it was the only thing to do, in order to protect myself from his debts. He did run up £20K of debt within 12 months of leaving .

as time goes by, you start to wonder why you wanted to remain married to a liar and a cheat. you will be sad, I am still sad, but you need to do what is right for you and your DC.

If you are divorcing then you need to take all steps to protect your finances, to ensure that he cant take any joint savings, or run up any joint debts. It is very important that you do that if he has a history of debt problems. Advise your mortgage company that you are separated, so that both signatures are required to borrow against the house and that you are advised of any applications.

You need to make a list of your reasons for the divorce and remember them when he comes running asking why.

Stay strong and don't take any crap from him

It's not about being pathetic. This is actualy a good phase because if you've been trying to blot it out, that means you were in denial.

You're seeing things for what they really are now and your friends and loved ones (who know this bloke personally) are helping you do that.

One of the things I'd really recommend is to sort out childcare so that he stops coming to your home. That's a boundary that will help so much because you won't have him trying to wear you down and chipping away at those good defences.

It would be better for now in fact if you instructed the solicitor to go ahead with the divorce and didn't see your ex at all. You don't need to. Other people can do handovers for a while and will probably be willing to help.

He's going to have to get used to looking after the children at his own place and his parents' house in the interim.

"who will ever want to get involved with me"

You don't need anyone to get involved with do you? You're far more than just 'somebody's wife' or 'somebody's girlfriend'. You're not an appendage. I think you've shown huge integrity by taking the initiative and starting the divorce, even though it is causing you a lot of pain. The 'you'll regret it' threats show - as if it needed to be confirmed - that he has no respect for you whatsoever. He sees you as some pathetic dependent creature that can't make a success of life.

Do make other arrangements for the child-care. As little contact as possible.

It will get better but you can't get over 14+ years with someone in a week. You have to get over hurt that he has lied, cheated and treated you and your children appallingly. That will all take time. Consider getting I Can Mend Your Broken Heart by Paul McKenna. It certainly helped me when I couldn't get over someone. There is also a CD to listen too.

Not pathetic but do stop asking yourself if you are. It isn't helpful and isn't right. Focus on the future and protecting your finances and children. He is no longer on your team. He is an enemy to you and your children now.

Have I done the right thing. It feels so wrong? I feel exactly like you did skye forced to get a divorce I do not want

i second Toffee, is that really the bit you're focusing on?

meant in the nicest way.

You have absolutely done the right thing. You MUST do what's best for you and your kids now. And being dragged down by him is not what's best for you.

Enjoy life on your own terms. The best revenge is to live well. The hurt will get better as you realise you really CAN do this. And when they're older, your children will respect you for making strong (although difficult) choices.

Now he'll go back to her, spin her some tale about how he's forced me to agree to divorce and the 2 of them will be free to lead their new life while I deal with 4 children.

Just found your thread and wanted to add my voice of support.

I am currently watching someone very close to me destroy her family through an affair with a married man. All of the scenarios you have described have been played out by one or both of the adulterers that I know. It is all very familiar.

You know you're doing the right thing. It doesn't have to feel great today, or tomorrow, but it will very soon. Just get through each day at a time and read back through this thread if you have a wobble.

I recently found an interesting quote that might apply to you:

"If a woman steals your man, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen"

A life built on rotten foundations is a rotten life. It might not be obvious at first but they will start to weaken, until bit by bit the other woman is left in the position you were in...

Use

The

Rage

Until it's stopped hurting enough to get on with things another way. You're doing brilliantly & deserve so much better than this. Being divorced from this man is the kindest thing you could do to yourself right now, though it doesn't feel like it

STOP worrying and second guessing what he is saying to her it is pointless. You already know he is a liar so what he says is irrelevant. You didn't want a divorce but do you want your marriage to stay as it is with him shagging another woman?

But he can't go back to her. He never left her in the first place.
Please have a look at the Chump Lady website, he's been having a whale of a time manipulating you into the pick me dance.
Congratulations on starting the divorce, any YY to stopping contact in your home.

I've told him we need to work out another way of dealing with the children so we can cut the contact. He's now accusing me of using the children to get at him

Making the big, life changing decisions when you are still in a state of shock isn't always the best time.

But your head is in the right place, and I think you've done brilliantly. Start the road to divorce, sort out the practical options. That puts you in a position of strength (though you are already stronger than you think). In a few weeks or months, as the practical admin works through, you will also be processing the emotional component. Then you will make the final decisions from a better place and with far greater certainty.

Well done OP on initiating the divorce. You are now in control and can take as long as you want to divorce him - it isn't going to happen in one month or even four mths as there will be a lot to sort out. So don't panic. Calm down and ignore it this weekend. Spend time with your gorgeous children and look after yourself. Don't think of them and their life - who in their right mind at the age if 26 would want a man that has had the chop and is financially responsible for four children until they are at least 18!!! She isn't a catch and neither is he.

I mean the snip not the chop!!!

Maybe the chop would have been more suitable given his behaviour!!

Oh, and if he keeps up with the crap about "using the children to get at him" think about telling him (once and once only) that your only aim is to work out a sensible and lasting arrangement that will work now you are separated and he lives elsewhere. Tempting to add that he made all the selfish choices that led to such changes being necessary, but probably too inflammatory to point that out right now.