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Original poster

Repercussions of an affair

311 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 14:19

I threw my husband out in August after I found texts professing undying love to a work colleague..Whilst he'd left me with the children claiming to be "working" or out with the lads he'd been waltzing around having a lovely time with her. The hardest to swallow was that a "stag do" he was attending was actually a wedding. Found it ironic that a man commiting adultery would find it acceptable to watch somebody else exchanging vows a few days before his own anniversary.

Anyway there has been lots of weeping, wailing, I can't live with out you going on ever since but his relationship with the other woman has continued. She's planning marriage and he's living with her family like a long lost son. He's finally going to tell her it's over but I've now found out that he introduced her to his mother. So while he was pleading with me to take him back he was drinking tea and cake with her at his mum's house. For me this feels like the ultimate betrayal. His mum has spent 30 years talking about the evil woman that "lured her husband" away leaving her with a young son but is happy to welcome the woman who destroyed her grandchildren's home round for a cosy chat. I'm not sure if this is a step too far. I was all ready to forgive and try to rebuild my family but feel REALLY betrayed by this..Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 17:33

You're really not being a fool. You're trying to make the best of a desperate situation and keep everyone happy at the same time. There is no 'affair gene' (what a ridiculous excuse!) but there is a 'selfish gene' and my advice would be to locate it and embrace it your bosom. Stop trying to please people, stop putting on a brave face and find a bit of inner fury and tell Mr Gibbering Wreck to ODFOD.

Good luck

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/01/2014 17:35

affair gene Shock
If that were the case I'd be shagging about for Scotland (never have, never will despite my hateful father).
Easy to see where Mr Entitled gets it from, trying to finish with his new girlfriend.
Don't do the pick me dance OP. He's lower than shit on your shoe.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/01/2014 17:37

What a peckerhead.

Cogito I love that. Find a bit of inner fury and tell Mr Gibbering Wreck to ODFOD

Double good luck OP.

RabbitRabbit78 · 09/01/2014 17:46

He wants to have his cake and stick his cock in it IMO. Sounds like he's either hedging his bets in case it doesn't work out with OW or he wants to hold on to both of you.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 17:47

So much of me wants him to be genuinely sorry for what he's done and to believe him. It's so hard when someone lies so convincingly..I judge people by my own standards which is to tell the truth so it's hard to accept that he is not genuine. But I'm sure the other woman is also convinced that he's some poor hard done by man who was driven away from his wife. I really, really want to believe what he says is true and that we can get through this and have the perfect marriage. But does it ever happen or do they just get better at covering their tracks. I've got to move on and make a decision one way or another but I'm scared of doing it and changing my life forever

OP posts:
Doha · 09/01/2014 17:48

Any way you can forward the email to the OW and just let her see what sort of prize man she has living with her?. She is second best no doubt but the prize is not one you want to win.
TBH this "trying" to finish with her is a load of shit. If he was serious about wanting to come back he would finish with her and be prepared to live in a tent if he couldn't find somewhere to live.
So tell him and his DM to (quote a famous MN phrase) fuck off to the far end of fuck and when you get there fuck off some more.

Good luck OP you will be able to rebuild your life without this twat in it.

meddie · 09/01/2014 17:54

If he was serious about making it work he would have dropped the OW Soon as he was caught and realised what he had to lose. But he hasnt , not only that but hes introducing her to family and taking her to events. That should tell you all you need to know about how sincere he is.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/01/2014 17:58

He is a shit. Why not take back some control the following way: Tell him you MAY consider taking him back after he has proved that he has broken off with the other woman, and then serve him the divorce papers?

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 18:06

I've been such a fool believing him..Looking at your responses I see how gullible I've been and how ridiculous what he's saying is when it's written down. I am so scared to end it completely and really be on my own. I'm so desperate for him to really love me because if he doesn't then what does that say about me if he can cast aside the person he's spent 14 years with and had four children with so easily. He's been saying he wanted to come back for the last five months pretty much since he left..Every time I threaten divorce he asks for more time and says he's got himself in a situation it's hard to get out of. I've been pathetic haven't I. I think I need to be brave and just do it but I'm terrified of opening myself up to the pain and losing him competely.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 18:15

Says nothing about you and everything about him. He was happy to throw it all away .... low personal standards, monumental selfishness and zero self-restraint .... and now that it's not going 100% his way, he's frantically backpedaling.

You are pathetic in that you deserve our pity :) But I fear his principle feeling for you is 'contempt'. A quick sorry is all he's offering and, should his feet get back under the table, he'd be back to his old tricks.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/01/2014 18:21

My mother always taught me to pay attention to what people do, rather than what they say.
He is in a relationship with his girlfriend, despite what drivel he is trying to placate you with.
If he was serious, he'd have dumped her instantly and done whatever he had to do in order to regain your trust after the audacity of him cheating on you.
But he didn't, did he?

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 18:25

There is also a big part of me that doesn't want her to "win" and have him..I keep conjuring up images of them having a wonderful life together that I couldn't give him. He had a vasectomy after our 4th child and his "partner" is busy researching how to get it reversed. She's a lot younger than him 26 to his 39. I'm so thrown by all of this. Not just his behaviour which is despicable but her being prepared to be a part of it. Her family welcoming him with open arms and not questioning their affair. I've just lost faith in anyone having any decency. I've tried so hard to be lovely to his mum and take the kids to see her and then feel let down by her as well for refusing to condemn it and inviting the other woman in. I know he is the main offender but why are others so willing to collude in it

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 18:33

A wonderful life together? Look at the life she's signed up for. In short, one where she's planning a family and her dream wedding and all the time he's round at your place swearing undying love and trying to get back in your knickers? However supportive his mother is in public (and that's our job isn't it... supporting the little buggers right or wrong?) she must be horribly disappointed privately. If that's a wonderful life I'd settle for a shit one, quite honestly.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 18:45

He's just emailed again to say he's "trying" to finish it.. You're all giving me so much strength..I'm going to put an end to it one way or another today. I've told him "trying" is not good enough and it's either over today with no more contact between them ever or they can have each other and I'm divorcing him. Mind you reading your responses I am utterly, utterly pathetic to even think of giving him any chance whatsoever

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 09/01/2014 18:47

The bottom line is can you really trust him after this? Because if you can't, you're fighting for nothing. And even if he tells you it's finished, are you going to believe him?

Wasn't he "trying to finish it" when he took her to his mum's for tea?

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 09/01/2014 18:56

You're right Alice..I know but I'm desperately clinging on to hope that it will all be ok and Cogito when you put it like that he's not really something to be won is he??..So tempted to email this whole thread to her and let her know what she's let herself in for but have managed to control the urge to have any dealings with her whatsoever

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 09/01/2014 19:03

"losing him completely"

"win him"

These are very telling phrases and they make me sad. You have lost him, you have lost the man you thought you had married. He doesn't exist anymore. If you would shack up with a man who is married and has four kids by his wife and a girlfriend, call him round and tuck him in to bed. If not, call a solicitor and file for divorce.

There is no such thing as an affair gene Hmm. She is trying to protect her precious son while not wanting you to walk away from a cheating twat as that reminds her she wasn't strong enough to do the same.

EdithWeston · 09/01/2014 19:09

"trying to finish it" = has not finished it

He's hedging his bets and not even hiding it.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 09/01/2014 19:17

Onmyown reread what you're posting. If you read this from one of your friends or your sister (if you have one).. or anyone but yourself... what would you tell them??

AnUnearthlyChild · 09/01/2014 19:27

Win him?

Do not fight for the booby prize of this lying twat.

Let her keep him and his bullshit. She hasn't won. Not at all.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 09/01/2014 19:37

True. Let her have him... then you'll have truly won!

MissScatterbrain · 09/01/2014 19:55

Oh god, a weak pathetic whining snivelling little lying coward - some prize he is Hmm

The victim card is a well known part of the cheater's script. He can't bear to look like the bad guy.

Tell him you deserve far more than him and that you prefer real men.

MissScatterbrain · 09/01/2014 19:55

Laughing at "trying to finish it" Hmm either he does or does not finish it.

elesbells · 09/01/2014 20:27

I wouldn't forward the email....the best revenge you can get on them both is to let them have each other..

They will both end up miserable and bored. At the moment he has two women who want him...take away his power.

In time you will be better...one day at a time. Find someone who is worth your time and happiness - you've come this far and every day that he's gone will get better. Get some dignity back and tell him to do one..

skyeskyeskye · 09/01/2014 21:59

"Affair gene" Shock what a silly woman!

So he is "Trying to finish it". It's not difficult is it? - Sorry OW, it's over, I love my wife - job done surely? If he was serious about you he would have dropped her like a hot potato.....

I think you need to tell him that actions speak louder than words and that you do not wish to discuss anything until its over with her. Ask him to ring her on speakerphone and tell her in front of you! Watch him squirm and make excuses why he can't...

Only you can decide if you want to work things out but you can't even think about that while she's still on the scene.