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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

258 replies

Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 09:42

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 03/01/2014 09:45

Do you ever want sex when he doesn't?

ASmidgeofMidge · 03/01/2014 09:53

He shouldn't be sulking if he wants sex and you don't.

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 09:55

No. I think in 20 years he's turned me down once! His sex drive is higher than mine but we do have sex. It's just the sulking that gets me. He'll now be in a mood for the next couple of hours and taking it out on me and the children. Nothing terrible just curt tones and impatience Sad Angry

OP posts:
ASmidgeofMidge · 03/01/2014 09:56

Sorry, posted too soon. It's quite a controlling way to behave - effectively he's trying to get what he wants by punishing you with poor behaviour. He is making an active decision about doing that (or not) - this isn't something you need to find out how to stop.

cantthinkofagoodone · 03/01/2014 09:57

Box of tissues and 10 minutes in a locked room?

DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance · 03/01/2014 09:59

I know this isn't helpful but I couldn't respect or desire a man who behaved like this

Maybe telling him that might make him reconsider acting a spoilt child when it comes to sex?

It must be seriously off putting for you

KittyConfused · 03/01/2014 10:00

How often does it happen that you reject him? You say it's been going on your whole relationship, I think you need to think about the reasons why this is and talk to him but not at a time when he's sulking and horny. In my experience it'll only get worse over time, I would turn my stbxh down and he would sulk, which annoyed me because of how 'entitled' he was acting, so it would put me off sex a little bit more, eventually it got to the point where I pretty much resented doing it, and he admitted when we broke up that it got to the point where he knew I didn't like it but he 'did it whether I was into it or not' Hmm Please don't let it get to that point OP, if you know the reasons why you're turning him down so much you'll be able to start working it out

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 10:00

Yes smidge, I agree but rational conversation always turns into a HUGE argument about our sex life and then an even bigger sulk. He sounds awful actually when I write this down but he's not. He's a lovely, kind, thoughtful, generous man and a great father. It's just this ONE thing.

OP posts:
DoYouNeedAWahhmbulance · 03/01/2014 10:00

Or maybe you could take inspiration from my username and ask him if he'd like you to call him a wahhmbulance for his sulking Wink

TurnipCake · 03/01/2014 10:02

Do you ever have sex with him because you know he'll sulk otherwise?

Jinglebells99 · 03/01/2014 10:05

Oh my goodness, how can he even be thinking of it, if you have to shoo the kids out of the room?! How old are the kids?

EirikurNoromaour · 03/01/2014 10:13

Do you know that this is emotional and sexual abuse? He feels entitled to sex on your body regardless of your feelings and so he punishes you when you refuse - sexual abuse. He uses bad treatment of the children to further punish you - emotional abuse of both you and them. This is seriously not ok.

WigWearer · 03/01/2014 10:17

He takes it out on his children if you won't let him have sex on you?

Doesn't sound especially loving or kind to me Hmm

DebrisSlide · 03/01/2014 10:18

Has his seduction technique always been so hopeless?

Keepithidden · 03/01/2014 10:24

Does he know he's doing it?

In the past when I've been rejected by DW I've felt embarassed, humiliated and generally a bit shit. I tend to withdraw rather than "sulk" per se, and I wasn't really aware of how I behaved until I had the opportunity to look back and be aware of what I was doing. It would've been helpful if someone had pointed out to me my response.

FWIW - I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone who didn't want to have sex with me, so sulking to obtain sex would be pointless anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 10:31

Sulking is such a miserable character trait. 'Lovely, kind, thoughtful.... ' doesn't offset someone trying to emotionally bully their way to sex. He takes it for granted that nothing bad will happen to him if he carries on this ridiculous behaviour. What might potentially shake him up is if you provided some stark consequences if it carries on. Until you're prepared to do that, you'll keep getting bullied.

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 10:33

It does put me off sex, totally agree. I don't turn him down all the time, we have a good sex life he just wants more than me. When I'm awake and ready to start the day, the kids are buzzing around is not a time it feel like having sex! Don't think I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 03/01/2014 10:33

Not ok at all... His behavior negates any positive thing you've said about him. A lot of his socalled good behavior is only motivated by the prospect of getting laid.

I would definitely ltb because for me, it would be better to be alone than living with a sex pest.

How do your conversations about this go before they turn into epic fights?

AskBasil · 03/01/2014 10:37

It's not your responsibility to stop his sulks. It's his. Tell him.

TheCrumpetQueen · 03/01/2014 10:39

How could you have had sex if the kids were coming in and out of the room anyway? He's being childish and unreasonable

Neitheronethingortheother · 03/01/2014 10:39

Twice this week we started to have sex and both times I stopped in the middle as I was tired and my head was elsewhere. Dh was in the mood and didn't get to finish either time but he just put his arm around me and went to sleep. I said sorry to him the next morning as I didn't want him to feel rejected. Normally I am always up for sex and very rarely refuse it. My sex drive would be slightly higher than his. I felt reassured about us by his reaction. I can understand how you must feel given your dhs reaction. Hope you can resolve it by talking it through and him being able to take on board how his sulking makes you feel

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 10:40

Oh no, he doesn't target the children or anything like that it's just one person in a big sulk does have ripple effects on everyone else in the house.
He would be horrified if he read this and saw the words 'sexual and emotional abuse' - absolutely devastated in fact. He just doesn't see how awful it is. I have tried to explain but that just turns into how rejected he feels. Which btw I am sure he does, I'm not saying he doesn't. I would feel rejected too but I have tried so many times to explain that the timing of his advances (for lack of a better word!) does make a difference eg this morning when we were going to get up and the children are around or really late at night when I just want to got to sleep!
It just seems to be one of those circular arguments where we go round and round like hamsters in a wheel and nothing ever changes Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 10:43

Dc are old enough to be told to leave us for half an hour peace and quiet if we had wanted to but they are still only a door away (and wide awake)!

OP posts:
Keepithidden · 03/01/2014 10:43

Sounds like you can empathise with him Marion, but he can't with you?

Maybe time for a bit of external mediation if he can't/won't understand.

TalkativeJim · 03/01/2014 10:44

Maybe show him this thread?

It IS abusive.

What his behaviour says is that he'd be perfectly happy if you gritted your teeth and let him have sex on your (unwilling) body.

He's not happy about the fact that you don't want sex = he sees it as unreasonable that you choose of your own free will when you want sex and when you don't?

Show him this. Make him think...