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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

258 replies

Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 09:42

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 03/01/2014 12:24

I hope Marion doesn't show her husband this thread.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2014 12:27

Maybe option c) could be asking him "Why when we talk about this does it end up in an argument?"

Yes, Keep, I agree that this is what they need to be talking about but he is not yet in a place where he can have a calm and rational discussion about it because he is still in the mindset that he has a right to be upset at being rejected.

He firstly needs to recognise and agree with her right to decline him.

Then he needs to recognise and agree that, whilst it is of course perfectly fine for him to feel upset or rejected, it is not okay to express it by sulking. That is controlling behaviour.

He needs to learn to use his words and until he is ready to do that, I don't think OP will get anywhere with him. They have been going round in circles for years on this one.

Counselling might help OP, someone to help you communicate so that he actually listens to what you are saying rather than making it all about how he feels and impacting on the children.

But if you want a quick fix, seriously, remove yourself from the situation. It will bring it all to a head much more quickly.

clam · 03/01/2014 12:27

I agree it would be unwise, but only because he'd flounce even more, and blame the man-hating MN nest of vipers who have had the audacity to point out he's behaving like a twat.

clam · 03/01/2014 12:28

Seems a bit rough to leave the children to his sulky bad mood though. Might be a better plan to take them out too.

LovesPeace · 03/01/2014 12:32

This is all a bit 'burn him! Burn him!' for a relatively minor male offence of having bad timing.
It sounds as though the OP generally has a happy marriage and a good sex life, with just this one issue to be worked on.
You should never have sex if you don't want it, OP, but is there any time that you prefer? You say mornings once the DCs are awake is no good, but also that you are too tired at night. Is there something your husband could do to lessen your tiredness, or maybe you could get a babysitter and make some time for you both to enjoy each others company?
Sulking, huffing, being grumpy are all unattractive traits - but we all have them sometimes, don't we?

Fairenuff · 03/01/2014 12:33

Clam he won't sulk if OP is not there. Unless OP thinks he is a threat to them it will be fine to leave them with him.

It has to be very simple. You sulk = I leave. He will get the message very, very quickly and realise that there has to be another way.

It will open the door to discussion without arguing.

Keepithidden · 03/01/2014 12:34

I always struggle to understand these threads, when on the one hand described behaviour can be considered abusive, yet on the other the OP defends their partner to the hilt. Is it always a case of the possible abusee minimising the abuse? or is it sometimes a smaller issue being blown out of proportion?

I don't know, I guess only the OP knows really.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2014 12:34

Sulking, huffing, being grumpy are all unattractive traits - but we all have them sometimes, don't we?

Not to passive aggressively punish our loved one for not wanting sex at the same time as us, surely?

Grennie · 03/01/2014 12:36

No, I do not think having sex you dont want is okay in a long term relationship. And I am shocked that anyone here thinks it is.

rpitchfo · 03/01/2014 12:40

I've had sex with my girlfriend when i didn't want to - i know it would effect her confidence if i rejected her. I doubt she would sulk - but i know she would be devastated.

WigWearer · 03/01/2014 12:44

Twenty years, people.

Twenty years he's been pulling this shit.

tinselkitty · 03/01/2014 12:45

If he would be horrified at the thought of you having sex with him even if you don't want to tell him his sulking makes you feel like you have to do it.

If he sulks about it again you'll agree to have sex with him every time but just lay back and let him get in with it. (I'm not for one min suggesting you actually do this just tell him you will)

Hopefully the horror he'll feel at you doing that will stop the sulking.

Grennie · 03/01/2014 12:45

Yes wig, twenty years :(

Bowlersarm · 03/01/2014 12:47

I can't see anywhere the ops said her DH has sulked for 20 years?

differentnameforthis · 03/01/2014 12:49

TheCountessOlenska There is NOTHING remotely sexy about "giving in" to having sex you don't want & is really bad fucking advice to anyone who is being 'sulked' into sex!

It is also NEVER up to the person who doesn't want sex to give into it.

do both people have to be 100% up for it to have sex in a long term relationship? I have been married 20yrs & won't be having any sex if I don't want it. A few times ago while dh & I were starting things, he said to me "you're not in to this, so I am going to stop". I argued that he was wrong, but he said he couldn't go on if he didn't think I was enjoying it. He knew more than I did, because my head was saying yes Grin but he sensed I wasn't into it.

I still don't know who got it wrong that day, it doesn't matter, but the fact that he thought I wasn't into it meant he wouldn't enjoy it. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone who didn't want to be doing it, or who 'gave in' to pestering.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2014 12:50

Well OP says it's been going on 'our entire relationship' and they have been together for 20 years, so, yes it's 20 years worth of sulking when he doesn't get sex on his terms.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2014 12:52

Surely it goes without saying that no-one should feel obliged to have sex if they don't want to?

Surely that does not have to be spelled out here Shock

CarryOnDancing · 03/01/2014 12:53

LTB, abusive, a bully and a twat? FFS, it's embarrassing and worrying how often this crap is thrown around mn.
I have seen some great posts where the OP has truly been helped by well meaning posters but this one is just ridiculous.

The OP's DH has given an explanation (and a perfectly valid one) that he feels rejected at times. Yes he chooses an immature and extremely annoying way of showing this but he's not a bloody abuser. He's human and isn't displaying behaviour in an appropriate way as he's concentrating on his own feelings at the time. It's inconsiderate and selfish but his feelings are valid. It's far too simple to say he feels entitled. He feels unattractive and has has his ego bruised.

There's nothing wrong with propositioning your partner, just as there's nothing wrong with saying you don't feel like sex right now. How you say that is important though as both partners should be considerate of the self esteem of the other.

OP, I assume you were looking for practical advise rather than a witch hunt?! If it were me (in my relationship-as I don't know enough about yours), when my DH shows he's aroused and I'm really not I will put it off but in a sensitive way. I really fancy DH and do want intimacy and sex but sometimes not always at that second, so I'll hold and kiss him and whisper something like "lets have an early night tonight and I'll enjoy thinking about you all day".

We both enjoy the wait and the flirting through the day and it keeps things alive. It ensures he's not left feeling rejected and I do think it's important that both partners are conscious of that. Before children I had a higher sex drive than DH but now things are more even, maybe his being slightly higher, so we've both experienced the feeling of "rejection" at times and are conscious not to make the other feel that way.

OP, you know your relationship, don't feel pressured into projecting the ideas of strangers onto it.

Neiljames-I don't know how you have the patience to keep posting against the man haters but I'm glad you do!

Grennie · 03/01/2014 12:53

I have been living with my partner for 22 years. I have never had sex if I don't want to and would be horrified if my partner did this.

Bowlersarm · 03/01/2014 12:54

Ok OP is that true - he has always sulked when he hasn't had sex with you in the entire 20 years you have been together?

differentnameforthis · 03/01/2014 12:54

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane
No. I think in 20 years he's turned me down once

Grennie · 03/01/2014 12:55

We are not man haters, we just think a woman has a right to say no to sex.

Bowlersarm · 03/01/2014 12:55

Well said CarryOnDancing - a voice of reason amongst the hysterical posts.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 03/01/2014 12:56

There is something very unattractive about a person who wants to have sex when there's the possibility of the kids walking in at any minute or hearing what's going on.

I wouldn't show him the thread.

Sulking about not getting sex and leading to a big row is abusive, in my book anyway.

rpitchfo · 03/01/2014 12:57

good post CarryOnDancing...

it's sounds (from the OP) that this has nothing to do with entitlement.

I'm curious is this pattern of Request-rejection-sulk made worse because it is to do with Sex or would people give the same replies over any request? Genuine question.