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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

258 replies

Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 09:42

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

OP posts:
FoxInTheDesert · 03/01/2014 14:25

Sorry, pressed post too quickly. Wanted to add, while I certainly don't think you should always have to be "ready" when he wants it (A good husband also knows when his wife is just not up for it), I also don't think it's good to reject simply because you don't feel like it all the time.

Hope you find a way to make things better for both of you.

Lweji · 03/01/2014 14:26

Yes, Neil, your wife was controlling.

When pregnant I was very horny at times. If then-H was not up for it, he wasn't. Fine.

In that instance, your wife could easily turned the meal into something sexy. She chose to have a strop. Hmm

Lweji · 03/01/2014 14:28

I also don't think it's good to reject simply because you don't feel like it all the time.

Gasp!

That is an excellent reason to reject.

Yes, sometimes we may try it out and find out that we are up for it after all. But not wanting sex should always be respected. Always. And we should never feel forced to.

CailinDana · 03/01/2014 14:31

Fox, do you seriously mean that? That you should have sex even if you don't want to? Or am I misunderstanding you?

Logg1e · 03/01/2014 14:40

Neil, Logg1e- pathetic

I'm sorry Neil, I didn't realise that you had very similar issues in your own relationship. I know that female-on-male abuse is not always treated with respect, but it should be. I'm sorry if I posted strongly, but it was in ignorance of the situation within your own marriage.

neiljames77 · 03/01/2014 14:43

I appreciate what some of you have said regarding my wife but I can't agree. This is what i meant before about perspective. I didn't feel abused. For me to feel that way would be a complete insult to women who are genuinely petrified of their partners and are in turmoil because they see no way out.

It's sulking. It's wounded pride. It's a feeling of rejection. It's possible incompatibility. I think it's dangerous to throw it all under the umbrella of abuse.
If Marion is giving us a sanitised, watered down version of something more sinister, then she needs to take drastic action. It's just not what I'm reading though. If I'm wrong on this, I'll apologise.

AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers · 03/01/2014 14:45

I can't see the controlling aspect as the OP's behaviour hasn't changed as a result of his sulking.
This is one of the most clueless comments I've ever read about abusive behaviour. Carryon, are you SERIOUSLY suggesting that behaviour is only controlling if if actually coerces someone into doing something?! Controlling behaviour is about trying to make someone do something (and more besides) that you want, despite knowing or not caring that they don't want to personally. Whether or not they respond or acquiesce have zero determining factors on whether the behaviour from person A is controlling. Controlling behaviour doesn't have to be successful to be worthy of being called controlling, ffs. If sulking and demanding and choosing to let your moods affect your children, and refusing to have an adult discussion about the topic, so that there is huge pressure on the OP to give in to the sex that he claims will put an end to all that crap, is not controlling, then I do not know what is.

It is not, however, as clueless as neil's assertion that it's good that the Op's Dh is 'only' treating her and their children so shittily, as opposed to knocking her about. I dunno about the other female posters here, but I take not being subjected to domestic violence as a given, as a baseline automatic right, not some sort of bonus point that works in a partner's favour. Neil, your situation with your wife is totally different, and you are quite obviously projecting your issues and experience very clumsily onto this situation and giving appalling advice and also mansplaining.

Now, let's concentrate on the important thing here - this man's penis! Surely his right to have an orgasm inside someone else's body whenever he wants to, matters more than anything else! Not his wife's right to say no, not her right to not have to feel bullied and demanded from, and to not feel constantly anxious about him demanding and her saying no, not her right to not having to put up with sulking and a horrible atmosphere if she does, not their Dc's right to not have to deal with his sulking, even though everyone fit to be a parent knows that atmospheres like that are horribly damaging to children, as they blame themselves and grow up seeing themselves as innately bad people, especially if they can't understand the cause of the bad behaviour from the parent, NOTHING. All that matters are his orgasms, and it's disgraceful that anyone thinks differently.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/01/2014 14:48

He's probably shit in bed TBH. One of the main reasons women go off sex with this type of man is because the sex is desperately boring. Men who pester for sex and sulk when they don't get it are selfish when having it as well. They're either the sort who pump away for hours while you're staring at the cracks in the ceiling, or they want a whole three-ring circus of lingerie and blowjobs and different positions, but in either case they have no interest in what the woman might actually like.

rpitchfo · 03/01/2014 14:50

i think it's just the nature of the site neil - language is a powerful thing and "abuse" is a very emotive word. Of course there are different levels of abuse that require very different responses. Perhaps what your wife did was abusive - but in context - its a minor discrepancy. Quite often you will see posters desentivised to the language they use.

If you post that this is abusive - i think you have a responsibility to back up how you feel this particular issue should be dealt with.

Because it isn't a - "this is abuse!" exit thread - type scenario.

rpitchfo · 03/01/2014 14:53

oh yes OP and apparently he's shit in bed as well - sigh.

Well i don't expect the OP to be back so well done everybody.

Grennie · 03/01/2014 14:57

Yes instead we should just have told her that she should lie back and have sex even if she didn't want to!
I am never going to tell another woman that it is okay for a man to use her body for his own sexual satisfaction.

rpitchfo · 03/01/2014 15:01

She wasn't having sex with him when she didn't want to. That wasn't the issue.

Lweji · 03/01/2014 15:02

Neil, you can be abused and not feel like you are. Some people take years to realise they are being abused.

And just because people are not afraid of their partners it doesn't mean they are not being abused. Some situations are more serious than others, but it is all still abuse.

With your wife, it may have been a one off. In which case, her behaviour was still off. But if it's part of a pattern, then it's abuse, yes.

neiljames77 · 03/01/2014 15:03

Christ almighty!
I'm not saying it's a good thing that Marion is having to put up with her partner sulking. I'm saying I'm glad he's not being aggressive with her. I'm saying if he's being petulant and childish then she has to find an answer to it and she's looked on here for advice. If she felt threatened or abused then the Police should deal with it. Where the fuck have I said she should be grateful?

Lweji · 03/01/2014 15:03

Well i don't expect the OP to be back so well done everybody.

It's only been 5 hours since the last post, FGS.

Lweji · 03/01/2014 15:05

Oh, sorry, 4 hours.

Or were you complaining that we made you not to expect the OP to return?

WigWearer · 03/01/2014 15:07

*If you post that this is abusive - i think you have a responsibility to back up how you feel this particular issue should be dealt with.

Because it isn't a - "this is abuse!" exit thread - type scenario.*

How about a 'this is abuse - LTB', then?

Because frankly, any man who pesters for sex and sulks if he doesn't get it and takes his bad moods out on his children is beyond the pale.

Lweji · 03/01/2014 15:08

Neil,
I'm saying if he's being petulant and childish then she has to find an answer to it and she's looked on here for advice. If she felt threatened or abused then the Police should deal with it.

If he's being petulant and childish, he needs to grow up. She doesn't have to have find an answer to it.

She clearly doesn't feel threatened, but she may feel abused. In any case, abuse does not necessarily require police involvement.
In this case, abuse can take the shape of trying to make the OP responsible for his happiness, as well as the children's (due to his actions!) and of trying to modify her behaviour to accept having sex without wanting to.

neiljames77 · 03/01/2014 15:15

If it's in his personality to be a sulker, how can you change that?
Telling him he needs to grow up won't change it.

Logg1e · 03/01/2014 15:16

Neil, Where the fuck have I said she should be grateful?

Well the words, "I'm thinking, thank God he only..." sounds like you are grateful, but I take your clarification that you're not telling her she should be.

Logg1e · 03/01/2014 15:18

Neil, If it's in his personality to be a sulker, how can you change that?

Fairenuff has posted more than once, pointing out that in her opinion sulking requires an audience. Remove the audience, kill the sulk off at source.

Other suggestions include giving in to him or LTB.

Lweji · 03/01/2014 15:18

At the moment, I'm thinking, thank God he only reacts by childish sulking as opposed to being physically aggressive towards Marion

Well, yes, at the moment is a key expression here, because if he doesn't change, OP, he could well change into physically aggressive if the OP rejects him more often. Or just because he feels like it.

CailinDana · 03/01/2014 15:19

I don't believe it's in anyone's personality to be a sulker any more than it's in someone's personality to be a hitter or a cheater. Sulking is a chosen behaviour.

MostWicked · 03/01/2014 15:20

When we approach our partner for sex, we are putting ourselves in a very vulnerable position. When those advances are spurned, people with poor self esteem or those who feel insecure in their relationship, can often take the rejection very personally. It is wounded pride. Some people don't have the resilience to be able to brush that off and carry on, some people do not have the ability to be able to handle that very well.

Neil's wife and Marion's husband, both fall into that category. I don't see it as particularly abusive (though Neil's DW's reaction was quite extreme). If they felt better about themselves, then the sulking would probably stop.
I think they need a bit of an ego boost to soften the blow of the rejection. Everyone has the right to say no, but you can be considerate in how you deliver that no, that recognises the vulnerability of their partner's position.

Communication is so important in relationships, particularly when it comes to sex. So many misunderstandings could be avoided if people just learned to talk calmly, without accusations and blame getting thrown about.

Marion, I would tell him that you love, adore and fancy him, you love having sex with him, but sometimes, it just doesn't feel right. You are not rejecting him, you just don't feel right at that moment. Tell him that you have noticed that he seems to feel quite hurt when you do say no, and that is quite difficult for you to deal with, because you don't want to hurt him, but does he want you to have sex when you don't want to, just because he might feel hurt if you say no?
Replacing the word "sulk", with "hurt", will come across better in a conversation.

And how many people have "abused" their partner, by not talking to them when they have hurt their feelings?

Lweji · 03/01/2014 15:25

Unfortunately, I'd say most abusers, if not all, suffer from low self-esteem, and boost their self-esteem by putting down or controlling those who love them or are somehow under their influence.

In this case, and Neil's, I don't think it's about self esteem, but lack of empathy with the other person. It's all about the sulker and what they want.