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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

258 replies

Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 09:42

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

OP posts:
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 10:49

He would not want me to have sex if I didn't want to.
He would never force me to have sex but yes I guess the sulking is 'punishment' for saying no.
I wouldn't see it like that though, he'd say the sulking is about his hurt at being rejected.

OP posts:
17leftfeet · 03/01/2014 11:01

My ex used to do this and it escalated to him physically pushing me off the bed if I wasn't 'up for it'

When we split up he told me I made him feel like a rapist because I would just lie there crying while he got on with it

Hmmm -whatever gave him that idea?

Sulking about lack of sex is a massive red flag and I'm sure it's not the only thing he sulks about

neiljames77 · 03/01/2014 11:02

I never sulked but I hope what happened to me doesn't happen to you and your DH. Our DC's were born a year apart and just after they were born, I'll admit that I used to pester DW for sex even though she was, understandably, not in the mood and was tired all the time. Gradually, I was pestering less and less, until eventually, not at all. After about a month or so, I'd just got used to not having sex. She then asked why I'd stopped pestering her but also thanked me for being understanding. The next time she brought the subject up, it was followed with a "you don't fancy me anymore do you?" I assured her I did.
The next time it was brought up, it was followed with an outright accusation that I must be sleeping with another woman or women. Her best friend at the time drummed it into her that if a man wasn't getting it at home, he was getting it somewhere else. Even though we eventually started having sex again, the jealousy and suspicion has never left.
It's probably bad advice, OP but if you notice him losing interest, you might have to dangle him on a string for a while. In no way am I saying, be subservient but be careful.

EirikurNoromaour · 03/01/2014 11:12

Yes Neil that's terrible advice, and not applicable to the OP situation anyway.

He might be horrified to think he's being abusive, but that doesn't change the fact that he is. He believes he has the right to sex (whether that's because he's horny or wants emotional validation) whenever he wants and thinks you are unreasonable for saying no. That's controlling and entitled. You have the right to your own feelings, he doesn't seem to think you do.

clam · 03/01/2014 11:23

Tell him that sulking is the biggest turn-off ever, and the best way to avoid "feeling rejected" is not to pick a bloody stupid time to do it, i.e. when the kids are nearby and wanting attention.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2014 11:31

I know exactly how to stop him sulking OP, if you really want to. It's quite simple.

Liquoricelips · 03/01/2014 11:36

Can't you just ignore him until he stops sulking?

neiljames77 · 03/01/2014 11:40

Well Marion, we don't know all the details about the dynamics of your relationship. My "terrible" advice is coming from the viewpoint that he fancies you like mad, adores you and can't get enough of you. What would you think if he just stopped pestering you altogether? Honestly? Would you think how lovely it is that he's being considerate? Or would you think,"what's he up to?"
You've already stated that there's no way he'd be abusive, it's just the mithering that you're getting pissed off with. If you want to listen to some people on here and class your husband as a potential rapist and an abuser for wanting sex with you, that's up to you. This is YOUR relationship and you know it better than anyone else. I could be wrong. Maybe you're diluting it to make it sound better for him. From what you've said though, I'd ignore any advice that you may get like, LTB, put his clothes in binbags or report him.

GoodtoBetter · 03/01/2014 11:49

Go on, fairylea....

Grennie · 03/01/2014 11:52

You say OP that he wouldnt want you to have sex with him if you didnt want to have sex. But is that true? You say you dont want to have sex with him and he punishes you by sulking.

So what does he want you to do if you dont want to have sex with him. Your only 2 options are to rightly say no, or to say he can have sex with you when you dont want him to.

TheCountessOlenska · 03/01/2014 11:52

God do both people have to be 100% up for it to have sex in a long term relationship? Shock Sometimes I see it as a bit of a chore, like going for a run or cleaning the bathroom - a bit of a pain but you'll feel better for it afterwards kind of thing!. I have giving into pestering and had sex that I didn't particularly fancy beforehand, but then so has DH (ttc springs to mind!)

In the OP's case, I think LTB is a bit excessive for a bit of sulking!

EirikurNoromaour · 03/01/2014 11:54

Neil, there is nothing flattering about a man demanding sex and sulking when he doesn't get it. It has nothing to do with how much he fancies her and everything to do with his sense of entitlement. I'm sorry your sex life went down the pan but don't project your feelings onto every sex pest husband out there - it's not ok to behave like this and it's not flattering.

Keepithidden · 03/01/2014 11:54

Does he know you see it as punishment for not putting out when he wants you to? I know you've said you've talked about it, but it sounds like he's not really getting how it's making you feel. I don't think there's anything wrong with him feeling rejected and hurt, but it's the way he deals with it that seems to be the issue here.

Also, is he aware of the impact he's having on the kids too? That could be a bigger lever for you to use to engage his empathy.

I suppose it depends on the degree to which he is acting like a bit of a tosser about it too. I know if I've had a bad day at work for example I can be a bit grumpy with everyone, DW, DCs, friends, randome members of the public. Does he react in a similar when confronted with other life-dramas?

TurnipCake · 03/01/2014 11:58

It would turn my stomach to think anyone was 'giving in' to have sex with me if their heart wasn't entirely in it. How demeaning.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 11:59

"he'd say the sulking is about his hurt at being rejected"

Over-emotive rubbish ... You're saying 'no thanks' occasionally and a grown up in a loving relationship should be able to cope with that and not over-react.

neiljames77 · 03/01/2014 12:04

GoodtoBetter, I take it you're goading or inviting somebody to flame me?

READ what Marion has posted so far. I get the impression that she loves the bones of her husband and just wants advice on how to deal with the fact that her husband has a higher sex drive than she does. She probably won't say that this is true though now because it might upset the posters on here that have gone in to default mode, sharpened their pitchforks and want him chemically castrated and put on the sex offenders register.
Let's get some perspective. There are some vile, disgusting men out there who shouldn't be anywhere near a relationship. There are also lots of good, loving and caring men. Marion has stated that this is the only problem in an otherwise happy relationship. Her post at the top of this page looked like she was being coaxed into believing her husband is a fiend.

Keepithidden · 03/01/2014 12:09

occasionally

Key word here Cog, a brief perusal of MN mismatched-sex-drive-relationships threads suggested consistent and prolonged "no thanks" results in resentment.

Of course we don't know the frequency here...

Logg1e · 03/01/2014 12:10

he fancies you like mad, adores you and can't get enough of you.

I interpret his behaviour differently Neil. I see, "He wants sex, and when he can't have sex with you he punishes you with negative, immature behaviour that has an impact on everyone else".

What would you think if he just stopped pestering you altogether? Honestly? Would you think how lovely it is that he's being considerate?

I would accept it as normal, adult behaviour. I wouldn't be grateful and I wouldn't think it lovely. I would just expect it. For me, a healthy sex life does not involve "pestering" or nagging or sulking.

Keepithidden · 03/01/2014 12:11

Oops, forgot the caveat - "no one should have sex if they don't want to". Hopefully that's obvious though.

Logg1e · 03/01/2014 12:12

Neil again, I get the impression that she... just wants advice on how to deal with the fact that her husband has a higher sex drive than she does.

I don't. I get the impression (from her actual words) that she wants advice on how to stop him sulking and taking his mood out on everyone else when he doesn't get what he wants. Whether she should be having sex with him every morning with the kids at the door or not, he shouldn't be behaving like this if he doesn't get his own way.

Bowlersarm · 03/01/2014 12:14

There are some very extreme reactions on this thread which really leave me puzzled.

He's probably feeling frustrated and cross. He'll get over it.

It's not a big deal. We all get arsey don't we, for whatever reason, and stamp about the family home for a bit.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2014 12:15

Obviously, the best outcome would be for you both to sit down and talk about this as mutually respectful adults. He can explain to you how he feels when you turn down his offer and you can explain to him how you feel when he sulks.

Your dh should understand that an offer of sex is just that - an offer - you are under no obligation to accept. He should therefore realise that sometimes you might decline and prepare himself for that so that he does not feel so personally rejected. He also has the right to decline offers of sex from you.

However, you say that you cannot talk about this as it always ends in an argument, so that leaves you with two options a) allowing him to have sex on you or b) putting up with him sulking.

Actually, allowing him to have sex on you is not really an option is it, so that leaves you with the sulking.

So, my answer to this problem is to stop the sulking and there is a very simple way to do this.

Remove yourself from it.

No-one sulks without an audience.

Every time he sulks you should leave the house. Go for a walk, go for a coffee or some breakfast/lunch/dinner, go window shopping, catch up on some errands, visit a friend, whatever.

Leave him in the house with the children and tell him to ring if he needs you to watch the children so that he can go to work, or whatever, then you return and he leaves.

Either way you are not with him and he will not sulk.

When he asks why you keep leaving the house, tell him it is because he sulks if you are there. If he says he is not sulking, he is 'hurt and rejected', tell him that you are willing to talk to him about it when he is ready but you are not willing to argue about it.

So until he stops sulking and stops arguing and gets to a place where he can talk about it like an adult, you will leave him to it.

Try it.

WigWearer · 03/01/2014 12:16

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane

OP has been pestered for sex, and submitted to sulking and bitterness when she doesn't give in for - what is it, OP? Twenty years?

Your husband IS a bully. He knows damn well that his sulks upset you, and affect your children. He is controlling you with his bad moods. He's a twat.

Although of course he might just be a loving husband who understandably feels downcast when you don't open your legs to him a dozen times a day.... take your pick Hmm

Keepithidden · 03/01/2014 12:18

However, you say that you cannot talk about this as it always ends in an argument, so that leaves you with two options a) allowing him to have sex on you or b) putting up with him sulking.

Maybe option c) could be asking him "Why when we talk about this does it end up in an argument?".

WigWearer · 03/01/2014 12:20

OP has already informed us that: rational conversation always turns into a HUGE argument about our sex life and then an even bigger sulk

This is abuse.