Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

[Marionmademe]

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

For those confused about whether sex is a 'need', just ask yourself, will you die if you don't have sex? If the answer is no, then it is a 'want' not a 'need'

Now, oxygen is a need, food is a need, water is a need. See the difference?

Nicky What you perhaps fail to understand is that, in many relationships, both partners want to give pleasure to each other and that, sometimes, the act of giving pleasure to your partner far outweighs any lack of interest that you might have at that particular time

I don't think anyone fails to understand that, it's just that it is not relevant on this thread. The OP does not want to give pleasure to her partner, regardless of her own needs. She wants him to stop sulking. Completely different scenario.

I am usually at the receiving end of sulking after refusing sex, and I have realised it is abusive and controlling.
I have had a big talk with DH about it as it has also been going on for 20 years.
The big talk happened a few days ago but to be honest, I am not holding my breath and I KNOW the sulking will happen again.
My DH is a lovely, generous, caring, unselfish man most of the time, which is probably why I'm still with him, but I have only recently realised that he is emotionally abusive and for the first time in years, I am seriously working out how to leave him without being financially f....d.
It is such a slight abuse that even I have been none the wiser for 20 years.
It comes and goes, it is hidden by "sorries" and periods of extreme kindness and understanding, treating you like a princess, worshipping the ground you walk on. Until the next sulking episode, and then you become something he's just scraped off his shoe.

As many posters have said above, it is a complete turn off, and it is very hurtful, and now, I have come to the point where I am actually quite disgusted with the idea of doing it with him.
Disgusted with him, but also with me for having put up with that behaviour for such a long time. Disgusted for having put my kids through his moods, disgusted with having had kids with him.
It is a very sad situation, as DH is a good person, and a fantastic father and up until now, considered by me as my soulmate.
I feel sorry for him because if he read this, he would be utterly hurt and devastated, but that is because I am a good human being, with sympathy and compassion.
Unlike him.

Your post rings many bells for me diamond ring. Have you thought about counselling?

What do you mean? About leaving him?

And I know exactly how you feel - I am utterly fuming with DH over 'sulking' aka emotional abuse.

he's doing it right now - taken our three dc away and refusing to call/text email me. I talk to the Dc, and can hear him in the background, but all he does is pass phone from one child to another.

last night he signed off with 'good to talk to you'. I made a joke, but I know/feel he's punishing me right now.

I'm sick to death of it.

Sorry, don't want to derail OP

No, about both doing counselling. Sorry, v slow typing

What do you mean? Are you guys separated now? You said "he has taken the children away"

He needs councelling not me. I have told him and he said he would do something to save our mariage like councelling, but I will believe it when I see it. Actions speak louder than words as they say.
It's funny how his sulking stops as soon as I put him on the spot and say I won't tolerate it.
So he can control it then?

No sorry, he has taken Dc on holiday. We're not separated, and I know that he would assume all is amazing in our relationship, if only I would stop 'rejecting him' and get over my 'anger issues'.

Couples counselling?

Oh I see, sorry.
That's pathetic him not talking to you. Unless he didn't mean it badly but genuinely didn't have time.
To come back to the OP though, I am not saying her situation is the same as mine. But my DH shows more abusive traits or at least used to.
And his dad was abusive to his mum, emotionally, and sometimes verbally.
I have had to fight (not physically of course), scream and shout etc... to make him stop bossing me about and controlling me.
He stopped now, probably for the last 10 years, but is still occasionally continuing with the sulking, which has generated a lot of anger in me.

I do not want to end my days like this. Sorry but I want peace now.

Sorry Elderflower our posts seem to keep crossing!

Christ I'm so glad I'm single after reading most of this thread. It's reminded me why.

I had a long-term ex who sulked. We had a great sex life, then when it began to slow down he started the sulks - slowly and imperceptibly at first and I felt bad and sorry for him.

As dc arrived he sulked more and more regularly and it became more and more debilitating. I talked to him and he always did the hanging-his head, I'm sorry crap.

Gradually the asking for sex at stupid times his sulks made me hate and fear sex altogether.

I saw him as a sexual predator instead of a lover in the end.

He would walk slowly and silently up to the spare room, to his stash of jelly and tissues.

Yuk. I divorced him.

AskBasil Sorry, that was rude of me. I apologise for the words I used.

I also accept that I didn't do a very good job of demonstrating how my post had any relevance to yours. My only excuse is that it was a late night after a long day.

^It's actually very risky to believe that sex is a need.

It may lead you to rape someone because you believe you need sex^

This is the part that I have real issue with. It obviously isn't a need in the same sense that food and water is, but I would argue that many people do ''need'' sex as an integral part of a committed loving relationship. Not all people do though.

For example, there is another thread at the moment where many women are posting that they are deeply hurt as they are not getting the sex in the relationship that they need as their partner does not think in the same way and this is massively hurting the relationship.

Using the word ''rape'' is very emotive. If we are going to use that word then I could probably say that I have certainly ''raped'' my dh on quite a few occasions and that he has ''raped'' me on a few occasions. However, the reality is far removed from the emotive term ''rape''.

I should have posted all of the above before I posted the following, so sorry about that:-

I have certainly had sex with my DH when I didn't really feel like it. Do I feel ''abused'' or have I been raped? No.

I also know for an absolute fact that there have been times that my dh has had sex with me when he didn't really want to but I really did. I was really worried that he might have felt pressurised, but I genuinely believe him when he says he didn't feel pressurised or threatened but that he wanted to do something to please me.

What you perhaps fail to understand is that, in many relationships, both partners want to give pleasure to each other and that, sometimes, the act of giving pleasure to your partner far outweighs any lack of interest that you might have at that particular time.

Now, before you start saying that I'm being abused and don't know it. If you have a look at some of my other posts you might think that I am much more of an ''abuser'' than an ''abusee''.

I just wanted to offer some practical advice. My relationship has had very similar issues to those you describe. It drove us to the brink of separation.

The catch 22 is that one person wants more sex and is in a monogamous relationship and so feels that the person who wants less sex is in control of their sex life and is not able or even willing to engage with their desire for more sex. The person who wants more sex is increasingly put off by feeling pressured and manipulated. Obviously no one normal wants to manipulate anyone into having sex so they feel horrible about this as it defeats the point of sex, which should be an expression of love and desire in this context. Trust starts to be eroded, resentment builds on both sides and you're both stuck.

DH was so depressed and angry that he sought counseling and started seeing a psychotherapist. He became much more adept at expressing his pov so I began to accept how I had contributed to the situation and also began psychotherapy.

We have now been in therapy for a few years and are able to negotiate this situation much better. It isn't perfect and it probably never will be but that's relationships. We both understand ourselves and each other much better. This has been useful development for us both as human beings.

There is no quick fix and it has been a long and expensive process but it is our family that we are investing in. Life doesn't stand still and IMO problems in relationships tend to get worse if they are not addressed.

I hope you find a way through your situation. Only you know how much it is worth working for. LTRs are tricky especially when you throw in kids, careers, finance etc. It's easy for your relationship to be neglected while you both invest in all these other things.

Good luck!

Nicky, I have certainly had sex with my DH when I didn't really feel like it. Do I feel ''abused'' or have I been raped? No.

Nicky, the point has already been made. It's not rape when one partner has sex because they want to give the other pleasure, even though they're not really in the mood for pleasure themself. It is rape when you have sex because you fear the consequences of not having sex.

diamond

It's funny how his sulking stops as soon as I put him on the spot and say I won't tolerate it.
So he can control it then?

Yes, sulking can be controlled because it's not an emotion, it's an expression of emotion, which is different.

Sadness cannot be controlled because it is a feeling, anger cannot be controlled, fear cannot be controlled, they are all emotions and they need to be expressed in an appropriate way, usually by talking.

We all learn how to express our emotions appropriately, once we have matured from childhood. Toddler trantrums are a good example of an inappropriate expression of emotion and sulking is another. Most of us don't do them anymore because they are quite an embarrassing way to behave.

Hi all. Thanks again for the input. Think I'm going to leave this thread now. My dh is not a sex pest or a potential rapist. He doesn't think he is entitled to sex or access to my body. He does sulk, it is upsetting but not to the extent that some of you have unfortunately experienced.

I have received some great advice on here and thanks to those who have listened to what I have said about my situation and my dh. I will be trying again to address this with him.

He does think he's entitled to sex and access to your body OP, hence his sulking when he doesn't get what he wants. But he would strenuously deny that I'm sure, and because you see other sides to him, its
difficult for you to see those aspects of his character for what they are.

I hope you can work it out though. You don't deserve to be at the receiving end of that, what with young kids to look after aswell.

Good luck Marion, I hope you manage to get through to him.

Yes good luck Marion.

I'm relieved that you can see through the hysteria that has produced some of the replies on this thread trying to convince you he is a sex pest, when in fact, he needs to address the sulking side of his personality.

Hope you manage to address it, and work through it with him.

flat out rejection just wouldn't work.

This is what I have an issue with. Refusing sex isn't a rejection of that person. It's just not wanting sex at that moment. It gets into weird territory as soon as you start equally a woman's (or man's) right to say no as rejection.

Not to mention childish.

I said no just a few hours ago. Dh & I are going about our day as normal. No one feels rejected, no one needs to be promising sex later on, no one needs to be placating the other one and no one is sulking.

Isn't that how it should be? Respect for each other enough to know that a no in the bedroom is exactly that, a no in the bedroom? Not some rejection of the other person, or a reason to sulk/barter/offer sex later.

Aren't we supposed to be grown ups?

I am not saying btw that continual and systematic refusal to have sex is OK Of course it is ok. Saying no to anything you don't want to do is OK.

In cases where you are "continually and systematically" being told no there would, I guess, be an underlying reason. There is no reason to sulk, this is a time to talk & find out what that reason is.

If there is no resolving that issue, both parties need to move on, perhaps separately. But it is absolutely OK to say no to sex everytime if you don't want sex. And it is absolutely OK to not expect your partner to sulk & be manipulative.

It isn't OK to withhold sex to control/manipulate/punish someone.
It isn't OK to refuse to talk about your reasons for saying no.

She just sulked and sulked. Does that make her abusive? Or am I 100% to blame? She is abusive.

thank God he only reacts by childish sulking as opposed to being physically aggressive towards Marion And you do know that emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical, don't you?

I also don't think it's good to reject simply because you don't feel like it all the time. Of course it is 'good' to say no to sex you don't feel like having.

You don't have sex you don't want. End. Of.

Thank God I have a husband who knows that & doesn't sulk....

She stormed out, put her dressing gown on and sulked for days OK, so you don't think it is abusive, but it was because of what you said next "In the subsequent times she initiated sex ... I felt I couldn't turn her down because I knew she'd sulk for days* Her behaviour had you manipulated into having sex you didn't want (to avoid the sulking) to avoid her behaviour. Such manipulation is abuse. She took away your right to feel comfortable about saying no. How can you not see that as abusive?

If you can't see it as abusive (and I get that, not many men would be able to see they are being abused, just like many women don't want to believe it) you must see it as fucking immature to sulk for DAYS about not having sex? I don't think I could have sex with one so emotionally immature.

However, I do find this sulking very confusing because it is unpleasant and designed to make me feel bad I am pleased that you say you don't feel abused, because making someone feel bad is abusive.

I said I'd take a step back from this thread but I want to clarify a couple of points.
I didn't feel abused and wasn't. It was more a case of poor timing, possibly being inconsiderate or maybe even incompatibility.
For the poster who said my wife was right to feel rejected because I 'was more interested in eating my dinner than having sex', you were being deliberately obtuse and purposely misunderstood what was said to follow some pathetic agenda.

OK, the difference between the person who is miserable and crying him/herself to sleep over constant sexual rejection, and the person who is driving a low-libido partner to despair with constant pestering (and usually constant low-level sexual assault as well; grabbing, groping, unwanted kissing etc) is basically the difference between being selfish, entitled and abusive and being a person who has a different level of libido to a partner.

A basically nice person will, if s/he would like more sex than a partner appears willing to engage in, talk and listen. Is the partner tired, stressed, unwell, in pain? Is the partner angry or hurt about something that has happened or is happening in the relationship? Most importantly, what would the low libido partner like or need the high libido partner to do to make things better? (and if the answer is: do your share of domestic work/bath regularly/stop taking the piss out of me in public then that person makes the effort.)

But that's not the behaviour shown by selfish men - and it's often abuse rather than a desire for sex anyway. Men who ask for sex at obviously bad moments, who maul their partners' tits and arses or dry hump them despite having been told repeated ly that this is unwelcome, don't want sex, they want to upset and humiliate their partners.