Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

[Marionmademe]

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

Having sex is not any request though.

Tell women to lie back and think of England if you want. I think women deserve better.

YouStayClassy how exactly are couples supposed to have sex if they shouldn't if their DC are at risk of hearing them? Never? When the DC leave home?

OP - do you ever feel like he's kinda asking at times when he knows its not going to happen just so you can only say no so often without you starting to feel like you're always refusing him?

I know both my friends and I would feel this way about our partners years ago when our kids were little. My husband was guilty of the sulking bit for sure. I ignored the sulking and it disapeared. Or I would say something like "well, now is not the time. I couldn't relax enough to enjoy myself if I knew the kids were listening or hearing me. Or I had to be as quiet as possible. not a big turn on at all."

I would try to have a nice early night and literally slot in time where both of us could enjoy sex. I found once my partner saw that I too wanted a sex life all that sulking nonsense quickly disapeared.

and men...

That's not what i was asking. I've not worded it well though so i apologise.

I'm saying is it the pattern of behavior that's the issue and is it potentially made more complicated by the fact the request is for sex?

Carryon a lot of what you say makes sense and I agree that the problem is not how he feels but how he expresses it.

However, OP says that the situation is driving her insane so she really does need help to change it. Of course it's fine for him to feel hurt, rejected, upset, angry even. Whatever he feels, his feelings are valid.

But what is OP to do about it? You don't seem to have any advice other than 'put up with it' which is what she has been doing for 20 years and has had enough of.

Imagine if it got to the point where she just could not take it any more and finally packed her bags and left. If he knew how awful his behaviour patterns were and how badly they were affecting his relationship, he would change.

Btw I don't see any man hating on this thread. I do see posters defending the OP's right to refuse sex which is important I think because, although she is not posting any more, she may be reading and it's so important to reinforce that message.

OP has not done anything wrong. Has she? Does anyone think that she has?

Her dh has done something wrong and that is to express his feelings in an inappropriate way that is damaging to their relationship.

That is what OP needs us to focus on. It is his attitude which has to change if the relationship is to survive.

Hysterical man-haters. Here we go.

He pesters for sex. He sulks and lets his bad moods infect the whole household when he doesn't get his cock wet.

So OP should be a good little wifey and whisper sweet nothings, placate, soothe and promise him BJ later in the day, just to keep the peace?

Fuck that.

Bowlersarm well we didn't do it in the day when they were small , awake and around, running into our bedroom or the house wanting attention.

Yes exactly wig! And I am shocked at the posters telling her to do exactly that. He is a grown man FFS. He needs to behave like one.

He'll now be in a mood for the next couple of hours and taking it out on me and the children. Nothing terrible just curt tones and impatience

Poor love. He's not having his NEEEEEEEDS met.

I'm curious is this pattern of Request-rejection-sulk made worse because it is to do with Sex or would people give the same replies over any request? Genuine question.

It's a good question rpitchfo because it gets right to the point.

You have to look at why people sulk. It is to convey, in a passive aggressive manner, that they are feeling upset, annoyed, angry, hurt or whatever else emotion it is they are feeling. It is to make the other person feel under pressure to change their mind, to feel guilty or to do things differently next time.

In short, it is controlling behaviour because it does not give the other person any opportunity to explain their reasoning, their own feelings or talk reasonably and constructively.

It is a very deliberate and ploy and the whole purpose is to manipulate or emotionally blackmail the audience. That is why no-one sulks without an audience.

Now, apply that to this particular situation and you see why that behaviour is so damaging to the relationship.

The advice is always to ignore sulkers because it's the only thing that works. However, in this case it allows the sulker to make life miserable for the OP, so she is still being punished for...what?

That is why I strongly recommend she leaves the house completely. Not in ltb way but in order to protect herself from more emotional harm. After all, she has done nothing wrong and does not deserve such contempt and lack of respect.

YouStay the OP said the DC were old enough to be told to leave their parents alone for an hour and a half, if the OP had wanted to.

And we did (still do although dc are teens now and would probably be far more traumatised now than when they were small) do it in the morning. I much prefer it, way too tired late at night. Our DC have never knowingly interrupted us ever. It doesn't make me feel seedy that I am more of a morning person.

So the OP has to work harder to keep the children happy, keep them out of his way. And of course she can't explain why dad is in such a foul mood, which makes her feel sad and guilty.

He could not be more abusive if he came with a big flashing I AM AN ABUSIVE TWAT tattooed on his arse.

Well, I can't see it as abusive. I just can't.

Bowlersarm I'm not accusing you of being seedy.

OP's Husband is sulking because she said no.

the kids are buzzing around is not a time it feel like having sex! Don't think I'm being unreasonable, her words, if she doesn't want sex, he should respect her feelings. Surely?

I regard sulking as rude immature behaviour that is just not acceptable in an adult. Neither dh nor I ever sulk. If we're upset and need space we say so and then talk about it later. We are civil to each other and the same as ever with the children.

Those who say stropping and sulking are normal - is that what you teach your children?

Oh and in 12 years I have never once had sex I don't want. DH knows I love and fancy him, he doesn't need sex for reassurance.

Neil - genuine question - do you think the communication in your marriage is poor? Because it sounds very much like that to me what with the pestering and suspicion.

YouStay no I know you're not as such. It's just that you've said something like There is something very unattractive about a person who wants to have sex when there's the possibility of children walking in.. well, that'll be me! Although we're always very careful.

Sorry, I'm feeling a bit grumpy with this thread.

ExH also sulked when I said no. It would usually turn into an argument.
He'd also want it when DS was around and in fact, he used to grope me when DS was in bed with us.

I don't think it's a good sign. It tell you how entitled he is about sex and your body. I don't think it's about feeling rejected, TBH.

And yes, if he's been like this all the time, I only see one way to stop it.

OP, you may have to explain it in a way that he understands. That if he keeps sulking because you say no to sex, you'll want less and less sex, then less and less to be with him, to the point of wanting to leave.

His choice.

Bowlersarm sorry, I was referring to OP's dh .

We've done it in the morning but the ds's wake up like clockwork [and have creaky beds] , we'd always make sure we were awake before them.

disclaimer: I used to hear my parents at it, it was mortifying

So go on then Grennie and WigWearer and some others, what should Marion do? Tell him if he doesn't stop mithering her, then he has to pack his bags? NOBODY is suggesting she should allow herself to be bullied into having sex to keep the peace. He's sulking, he feels rejected.
He's being a bit childish and immature but I don't think he's some kind of monstrous abuser. Or is that just me projecting any issue I had years ago onto every other sex pest in the country? That was a disgusting comment whether it was aimed at me or Marion's husband.
I personally, don't think this site is full of man-hating vipers. there's lots of reasonable. sensible people on here that are happy to give good, level headed advice. There just happens to be some who are aggressive, nasty and are hell bent on the destruction of other peoples relationships.

Neil, he may not be an awful abuser (ATM), but his sulking behaviour about sex is poison to a marriage.

I am stunned that people don't think sulking is abusive. It is controlling and punishing. Yes we may all partake in it a bit but most of us come to our senses pretty quick and talk with our partners when we've calmed down.

We don't:

1. Do this everytime over the same issue
2. Continue sulking for fairly long periods of time i.e. hours
3. Descend into arguments when our partner tries to talk about it
4. Do it for 20 fucking years.

Marion - of course he won't see this as abuse. He has a sense of entitlement that he thinks it is OK to do this.

Neil - Fairenuff has summed up pretty well what Marion's options are.

CailinDana, this was just after my kids were born although DW is a jealous person by nature although I have never given her any reason to be. If it's in someone's personality to be jealous, there's not much you can do about it.

what should Marion do? Tell him if he doesn't stop mithering her, then he has to pack his bags?

Well, yes, quite possibly. Let's face it, it could come to that. There are a lot of actions which erode happiness in a relationship and eventually lead to irreconcilable breakdown and this is one of them that is quite likely to do that.

I would have thought he would be open to discussion before it comes to that but OP says he's not, so he really doesn't leave her with many options does he?

What do you think she should do Neil, bearing in mind that talking about it is not currently an option and putting up with it is driving her insane?

What I'm wondering though neil is why you didn't just talk about it, rather than you pestering her, then backing off and her getting jealous?