Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

[Marionmademe]

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

I can't see the controlling aspect as the OP's behaviour hasn't changed as a result of his sulking. She's still refusing to have sex every time he feels like it, if she doesn't. Making a "request" for sex isn't the same as demanding it.
The OP isn't being forced to have sex and she's not letting herself be forced...hence the sulking.

That's the part of the hysteria which is infuriating. She has an issue with his behaviour when they DON'T have sex and there's absolutely nothing where she says he tries to make her. Kissing and insinuating sex isn't demanding it. If it were we'd all have to put in a formal request for sex by paper in advance. He's just saying he's aroused and wants sex.

I offered some practical advise based on my own relationship with DH as in our relationship we like sex to remain a positive thing, so flat out rejection just wouldn't work. The OP highlights she has a good relationship and it this one element where they are clashing. She doesn't say it's every day and it's going to make her leave as a result.
Other practical advise is of course to talk to each other but the OP says she's tried that. I guess she could go straight in by reassuring him when the occasion arises that she does fancy him and want sex-just not right now. If she remains matter of fact and mature then it shuts the door on the sulking.
Failing that I would ignore the sulking completely but I'd tell him that I would be doing that.

The other night I could tell DH was stressed and grouchy so when we got in bed I gave him a hug and a kiss and said that I hope he wakes up
feeling happier.
He did, brought me a cup of tea and thanked me for being understanding.

Other times I will be grumpy and DH will pull me up on it. It's just life.
We can't all be on top form all the time, especially after 20 years!

Funny how we tell adolescent girls that having a boyfriend pestering or pressuring them for sex and sulking if they don't get it is totally unacceptable. Is marriage some invisible curtain that suddenly waves away respect for boundaries or someone else's body?

^I could tell DH was stressed and grouchy so when we got in bed I gave him a hug and a kiss and said that I hope he wakes up
feeling happier.^

Other times I will be grumpy and DH will pull me up on it

Carryon do you see the incongruity with what you posted there?

But seriously Carryon your advice was really bad advice to promise him sex later that day.

What if she doesn't want it later that day? Is she to keep dangling her body in front of him as a reward if he backs off?

"The OP isn't being forced to have sex and she's not letting herself be forced...hence the sulking." Why hence the sulking? Why should he sulk? You are making it sound like he's entitled to sulk.

And sulking is always controlling. He is making her life (and the childrens' lives) unpleasant while he sulks. Deliberately. He is ensuring that everyone knows that He. Is. Displeased.

Her behaviour and probably the children's too will change while he's sulking.

And who is to say her behaviour hasn't changed with regards to her response to his sexual advances. Maybe she does have sex more than she'd intend to avoid the sulking. Perhaps she only refuses sex when she has the strength to deal with the sulks.

Why is saying no to sex 'flat out rejection'? It is saying no to sex. Not rejecting your partner.

Carryon, why do you think he sulks? It is punishment. As in she's not free to choose.
If she was, he'd just accept it.

Even if she doesn't change her behaviour, it's still abusive.
Abuse it's not about how the victim behaves or responds, but how the abuser behaves.

It's different to be grumpy. Sometimes we are and we don't know why. If I am, I tend to tell people that I am, so that they can give me a wide berth. Or realise that I am and control that behaviour.

Sulking is punishment.

There's a very emotive thread from the other side of this issue on here at the moment. I would find it very difficult to say that any of the women on that thread are being abusive when they cry themselves to sleep at night because they feel so hurt and rejected. I think that they cry because they are SAD. Maybe he looks and sounds unhappy because he is. Why should we assume he is being manipulative?

Sorry OP I've just realised that my last post could be read as though I was minimising by saying we can't always be on top form. I just meant sulking in general.
In my relationship I'd have no problem with telling DH that I don't really feel sexy with I'm in Mum mode with children running about and that I'd rather take my time and enjoy Dec together, rather than having a rushed quickie.
If he sulked I'd highlight the fact that if I was to have sex at that moment then I wouldn't be fully into it as I'd be listening out for the children and I want to give him my full attention. We are both pretty straight talking so it would get to the point where we'd tell each other to toughen up if the sulking continued but if you don't feel comfortable with that approach or he takes it the wrong way then I go with ignoring the behaviour approach. I wouldn't ignore him though, I'd just act like he wasn't sulking and as long as he was being respectful in the meantime I'd see that as a way of coping.

Have you asked him what he gets from sulking? Especially when that's more likely to put you off sex later in the day too, as you are annoyed at his behaviour then?

Carryon, I would bet money that the OP has had sex she didn't want at least once (and probably a lot more than that) to avoid a sulk. That's the motivation for sulking - to punish others with the hope that they'll give in in future.

But even if the OP never once ever gave in the sulking is still controlling because the husband is giving a negative consequence for the OP's behaviour even though that behaviour is perfectly reasonable. He's basically saying "because I don't like your response I will make life hard for you." That is controlling. In addition sulking is controlling because the sulker signals he is not happy but stops the victim from engaging with him - again he controls the situation and makes the victim feel upset and uncomfortable. It's all-round nasty behaviour.

"when they cry themselves to sleep at night because they feel so hurt and rejected" That isn't sulking random. And it isn't abusive behaviour. As you say that is them being sad. And I bet they are trying to minimise their reactions and feelings in front of their partner.

This man won't talk about it without arguing and thinks its OK to behave like this. There is no minimising or consideration for the OP's feelings.

Why is saying no to sex 'flat out rejection'? It is saying no to sex. Not rejecting your partner

Depends how you view sex I suppose. These days I view it as a personal rejection, but I don't initiate anymore and have issues anyway!

"Depends how you view sex I suppose" Yes it does.

I agree that people will feel hurt if rejected for sex, constantly.

However, the OP says they have a good sex life, although it seems her OH would want more, but it's often the case that one will want more than the other. It's difficult to be completely matched.

The person suggesting sex should also understand the context. If the OP always rejects sex when the children are awake, then there's no point suggesting it, and it feels odd if her H keeps suggesting it at that time and sulking. The same goes if the other partner is tired for example, or when a fight has not been resolved.

Random on that other thread are those women sad because they don't get sex every single time they want it?

I am not saying btw that continual and systematic refusal to have sex is OK. But that is absolutely NOT what is happening here. The OP was being perfectly reasonable. They have a pretty healthy sex life by the sounds of it and yet he still sulks.

randomAXEofkindness

There's a very emotive thread from the other side of this issue on here at the moment. I would find it very difficult to say that any of the women on that thread are being abusive when they cry themselves to sleep at night because they feel so hurt and rejected. I think that they cry because they are SAD. Maybe he looks and sounds unhappy because he is. Why should we assume he is being manipulative

Yes, I've posted on that thread. Looking back at my own situation I'm sure that I was quite sulky as well at times.

But that wasn't because I wasn't trying to manipulate my dh just that I was genuinely so upset and felt so rejected because he didn't want to have sex with me so often.

Op you say your sex life is good, if it is indeed a reasonable amount I would just say.....

DH we have plenty of good sex, on the days I really don't feel like it I would appreciate you not sulking, it makes me want to slap you, not shag you, if it continues I may never want to shag you again.

No argument.

Also suggest on these days he goes for a wank in the shower?

Fairenuff, I'll be honest and say I don't know what the answer is because I don't know the man's personality. At the moment, I'm thinking, thank God he only reacts by childish sulking as opposed to being physically aggressive towards Marion.

About 10 years ago, we arranged for our kids to stay over at my Mums so me and my wife could have a nice evening together. I was off work that day, so I went to the shops and got us some wine and all the ingredients for a really nice meal. When she came home, I ran her a bath and then carried on with the cooking. The food was nearly ready and it had taken me hours to do. When I was lighting the candles on the table, she walked in wearing some sexy underwear and started initiating sex.
I asked could we have the meal first as I'd spent ages making it and it would be ruined otherwise. I'm not saying it had to be regimented and run to a timetable but I thought we could have the meal, then some wine and then we had the whole house to ourselves to whatever we wanted in any room we wanted. She stormed out, put her dressing gown on and sulked for days. The sulking was only interrupted by the occasional, "do you know how insulting that is for a woman to be turned down by her husband?"
I wasn't turning her down. No amount of talking and explaining could bring her round. She just sulked and sulked. Does that make her abusive? Or am I 100% to blame?
In the subsequent times she initiated sex, whether I'd just finished a 12 hour shift and was totally knackered or didn't feel too well, I felt I couldn't turn her down because I knew she'd sulk for days.
I didn't know what the answer was. Neither does Marion.

CarryOn, I'll hold and kiss him and whisper something like "lets have an early night tonight and I'll enjoy thinking about you all day". We both enjoy the wait and the flirting through the day and it keeps things alive.

What if you did that, and then he spent the rest of the day not talking to you, pulling faces and spoiling everyone's day because he wanted you to have sex now, not tonight? What if he did that every time you said, "not now" for 20 weeks? Would you still be holding him and kissing him and spending all day feeling sexy? What would you do if this went on for 20 years?

From Neil. Again. I'll be honest and say I don't know what the answer is... At the moment, I'm thinking, thank God he only reacts by childish sulking as opposed to being physically aggressive towards Marion

Yes, great advice. The OP should count herself lucky.

Neil, I didn't know what the answer was.

Neil, I know the answer. 1 you don't have sex if you don't want to. 2 even if your wife sulked the last time.

Neil your wife is abusive and controlling. You should never feel under pressure to have sex. Never. She sounds incredibly childish and manipulative.

Logg1e- pathetic.