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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he put his hands around my throat

212 replies

Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 22:32

DH has been violent in speech in the past. Regularly calls me a cunt and a moron during arguments.

Today he left the baby upstairs with a bottle in his mouth. When I told him it was dangerous, and he should have just come to get me, he screamed at me that he would not put d's in danger, and he put his hands around my throat, hard.

He has done this once before, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't leave then.

When I tried to phone the police, he took my phone. He has now apologised, but says it was my fault, I'm a bully, I pushed him, I said hurtful things by suggesting that he would put d's in danger.

He has been saying this stuff for so long I start to question myself.
Anyone else in this situation I know what I would say. But with myself it doesn't seem so black and white.

please help me. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so so stupid.

I am not in immediate danger by the way - we are staying with his family and he is sleeping in another room for the night. I have told him I am leaving tomorrow. He says if I go I can't take my son.
I don't want to tear my family apart but I have to Don't i? Obviously I would be taking the baby with me.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 29/12/2013 22:36

Hands round throat are viewed as a gateway assault by WA and police.

You have no choice but to leave

To go straight in with attempted strangulation is the most dangerous form of domestic abuse I'm afraid.... Next stage up is death.

isitme1 · 29/12/2013 22:36

I would just ringthe police.

Hope you are ok op and the baby too x

Curioustiger · 29/12/2013 22:39

Absolutely you should leave, you deserve better and so does your son. You've done the right thing already because by posting this thread you are acknowledging the seriousness of the situation. So please please follow through and leave, tomorrow, with your baby.

If you need help with the practicalities please call women's Aid who are there to help you in precisely this kind of situation. You sound capable and resourceful, do not let this be swept under the carpet.

leadrightfoot · 29/12/2013 22:41

Pack your stuff and little ones and leave NOW

Go to police NOW
NOT TOMORROW NOW

Get help from police, women's aid, solicitor NOW and DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN YOUR LIFE

You are not tearing your family apart you are saving your child from abuse and in all likelihood your life. If you are not in your child's life then what?

That again is NOW to get going. Not later not tomorrow when he can twist and gaslight you more NOW

TalkieToaster · 29/12/2013 22:45

He is trying to justify his behaviour and is gaslighting you - making you think you are responsible for his behaviour and if you just did x, y and z, then everything would be ok.

It's bullshit. No-one is responsible for how someone else chooses to act. HE was violent towards you and he'll do it again. You have done NOTHING wrong.

Please, leave as soon as you can.

Snowhoho · 29/12/2013 22:47

Phone the Police tonight.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 22:47

curioustiger I have deliberately not name changed for this because I post a lot and I don't want to be able to sweep it under the carpet and go back to pretending all is fine.

I do know what I need to do it just seems so so massive now. But I am sick of living where I have to walk on eggshells to make sure I don't upset him - where he is horrible about absolutely everyone so I feel bad about seeing them and where I doubt my own thoughts and opinions because I have spent so long being told I am wrong.

I am second guessing the situation now though - I know what he did was not ok but maybe I could have handled the bottle thing better I don't know...

Thank you so much for all your messages.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 29/12/2013 22:49

Have you got your phone back? Take photos of any marks. Are you sober? Could you safely leave tonight? Where would you go? You need to leave as soon as possible - that might not have to be now or even tomorrow but you need to quickly make plans - could you leave a bag of stuff for you & the baby with someone? Can you go to your family? You need legal advice & to protect your finances. Agree speak to the police.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/12/2013 22:52

What he did is not normal, nor is it a proportionate response to what you said. Not that there was anything wrong with what you said either.

Please ring the police and report this. His behaviour is escalating, and you deserve to be safe.

Curioustiger · 29/12/2013 22:54

Fairy1303 categorically, hand on heart, there is no situation where it is OK to grab a woman around the neck. None. There is NOTHING you could do to justify such a response. You must not doubt yourself on this. I know it is a big step to leave him but you will do it because you deserve better than to be with this dangerous, angry man.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 22:54

If I report it though will they prosecute? I know I sound stupid but I don't want this to be bigger than it needs to be - I would phone them so it is on record if needs be in terms of divorce etc but I don't want him arrested etc - it would ruin his life completely.

I am sober, yes.

I'm going to my mums tomorrow.

OP posts:
D0G · 29/12/2013 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosieliveson · 29/12/2013 22:57

OP, I hope you're ok. What a horrible and frightening situation. I've been in a similar situation. It got worse. It was also always "my fault" or "I started it" or "pushed him to it". I believed that Sad Eventually, I realised I spent all day with a knot of fear in my stomach. I realised it couldn't be my fault if I was that scared. I left and went back to my mums that very day and cried with relief.
It's difficult to make such a huge decision and you'll question whether it is for the best but it isn't just you that you need to care for any more. Your DS deserves to be safe. You are his mummy. He relies on you for survival and you need to keep him safe.
Do you have family or friends you can go to? If not just go to your nearest police station and they will help you. You don't have to press charges. They will just put you in touch with people who can help keep you and DS safe.
Good luck OP. I will be thinking of you Thanks

Curioustiger · 29/12/2013 22:59

Fairy if I was walking down the road and a man throttled me would you tell me to ring the police? What about if I provoked him ... Say by telling him to pick up some litter? What would you say then? Would you still tell me to call the police? Of course you would.

You can report crimes online if you need to be discreet about it, at least you can in London.

HowManyMincePies · 29/12/2013 22:59

You don't want him arrested as it would ruin his life completely.

How ruined would your life be if your child had choked on the bottle in it's mouth while he was busy with his hands around your throat?

How ruined would your child's life be if he had squeezed a little bit harder for a little bit longer?

Do not discuss this. Get your child and go NOW. Not when you can discuss it tomorrow and he will be more aggressive to stop you taking your child to safety.

Rosieliveson · 29/12/2013 23:00

Sorry, have just seen that you are going to your mums. Well done. It's a brave thing to do.
With regards to the police, it's important this is noted even if he isn't arrested and charged. Good luck for tomorrow.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 23:03

Yes, his parents are aware as I went into their room to get the phone after he took mine. His dad removed him and took him away. They have their faults but I do know absolutely that they would support me.

He is going to work in the morning. I plan to go to my mums as soon as he has left.

OP posts:
BabylonReturns · 29/12/2013 23:04

Good luck op, stay safe x

ViviPru · 29/12/2013 23:05

Be brave OP. You're doing the right thing.

PioneersAndPirateShips · 29/12/2013 23:07

I'm sorry I don't have any advice buy just wanted to add my support and say you are absolutely doing the right thing Flowers

missymayhemsmum · 29/12/2013 23:09

Do what you need to do to remove him from your home and ensure that you and your children are safe. You may need to choose your moment, but do not allow him to stop you taking your son, and make sure that his family know why you have made this decision. Call the police and report him for assault.
I know it's really hard to admit to yourself how serious this is, but you are in an abusive relationship and have a duty to end it and to protect your kids.

Alambil · 29/12/2013 23:10

YOU won't be ruining his life - HE chose to ruin his life the moment he tried to kill you.

That sounds dramatic but let's face it; it wouldn't have taken much for you to be strangled unconscious and possibly dead. Would it?

Take photos of the marks tonight and over the next few days and call the police as soon as you can.

So what if they prosecute? He shouldn't have chosen to strangle you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 23:10

I am joining your thread as another "witness" to what he did and how you are going to react to it.

InTheRedCorner · 29/12/2013 23:11

So worrying. I wish you lots of strength.

88 women have died in the uk in 2013 so far at the hands of their DHs, please keep yourself safe.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 23:15

He has just come in to my room, I assume to make up. I just told him over and over to leave. He thinks it is all a big joke. I know I'm not overreacting but how can he just act like this is a normal row??

OP posts: