he put his hands around my throat

[Fairy1303]

DH has been violent in speech in the past. Regularly calls me a cunt and a moron during arguments.

Today he left the baby upstairs with a bottle in his mouth. When I told him it was dangerous, and he should have just come to get me, he screamed at me that he would not put d's in danger, and he put his hands around my throat, hard.

He has done this once before, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't leave then.

When I tried to phone the police, he took my phone. He has now apologised, but says it was my fault, I'm a bully, I pushed him, I said hurtful things by suggesting that he would put d's in danger.

He has been saying this stuff for so long I start to question myself.
Anyone else in this situation I know what I would say. But with myself it doesn't seem so black and white.

please help me. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so so stupid.

I am not in immediate danger by the way - we are staying with his family and he is sleeping in another room for the night. I have told him I am leaving tomorrow. He says if I go I can't take my son.
I don't want to tear my family apart but I have to Don't i? Obviously I would be taking the baby with me.

Please don't go back to him. Of course there were some good times, but they are now all cancelled out by the fact that he tried to kill you. How could you ever trust him again? Every time you had a disagreement you'd be scared he was going to do it again.

Focus on your baby, you don't want to leave him without a mother, you don't want him to witness all this as he grows up.

I really urge you to report this to the police. You need to have it on record. How will you feel when he wants sole contact with your child? When you know what he is capable of if he is crossed. Will he do the same to him when he's older?

Nightmare situation for you, I really sympathise, been there myself. Keep going, keep strong.

Yes agree with pp. Don't get sucked in to communicating with him. I did, for hours and hours. He will try everything to get you to change your mind. It's so hard but as someone else said, remember the feeling of his hands round your throat. That's the man he is. That's all you need to keep in the front of your mind.

Is your relationship with a man more important to you than giving your children a good example of how women should not accept abuse ?

Yes ?

Then let him back and show them just how little you think of their welfare.

< you asked for it to be tough >

Thanks! I needed the virtual shake!!

Onwards and upwards!

I've read almost the whole thread. Don't go back, even if he did apologise. It will soon enough be "your fault" again anyway. It's difficult and we (most I think) do waver, but the abuser will up the ante once you're back. Have no doubt about that. he felt entitled to strangle you because you were concerned about your baby. that is someone seriously fucked up, and no matter how much you love him that will make for a living hell for your baby to grow up in.
I've written this before, but my two boys (under 10) both wanted to kill themselves. They are much happier now, though still relapse to thinking they are idiots and deserve to be hated.
My daughter stopped developing, and at 3 still does not talk. She would not look anyone in the eye, or be with anyone but me. I thought for a long time she was autistic. She may well be, but lately is very trusting with adults, even men, and has started nursery with very little fuss. It's as if after a break she is developing again.
Anyway, the point in all this is: your child is little, and living in horror is not good for him. We minimise the impact on ourselves, and think we are breaking up the family etc. But the children are FAR better off without such a parent in their lives. I hope you report to the police for the 2 children's sake.

You have had such good advice, glad it is making you steel yourself.

Turbo, that is heartbreaking about your daughter. It sounds like she is emerging okay, like a butterfly taking wing.

Turbo, so glad things are looking up for you and your children now.
Signed up for my new house today - I'm looking forward to having the kingsized bed all to myself!!

Well done fairy - so glad to hear that!

I would still report him to the police

send a message to him you are not to be messed with

Glad you are doing okay fairy.

Keep posting on this thread whenever you have a wobble won't you. I left a controlling man a few years ago and have never looked back. He has told you as clear as day that he doesn't regret it and would do it again. His DD is scared of him. You and your son should not have to live in fear.

Be free. Be happy.

Glad you are getting into your new house soon! Onwards and upwards :)
Hurrah for 2014 being a year in freedom.

Fairy how's the new house? Hope you & DS have settled in and are enjoying your new life