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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he put his hands around my throat

212 replies

Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 22:32

DH has been violent in speech in the past. Regularly calls me a cunt and a moron during arguments.

Today he left the baby upstairs with a bottle in his mouth. When I told him it was dangerous, and he should have just come to get me, he screamed at me that he would not put d's in danger, and he put his hands around my throat, hard.

He has done this once before, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't leave then.

When I tried to phone the police, he took my phone. He has now apologised, but says it was my fault, I'm a bully, I pushed him, I said hurtful things by suggesting that he would put d's in danger.

He has been saying this stuff for so long I start to question myself.
Anyone else in this situation I know what I would say. But with myself it doesn't seem so black and white.

please help me. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so so stupid.

I am not in immediate danger by the way - we are staying with his family and he is sleeping in another room for the night. I have told him I am leaving tomorrow. He says if I go I can't take my son.
I don't want to tear my family apart but I have to Don't i? Obviously I would be taking the baby with me.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 03/01/2014 21:19

Fairy, I know what you are feeling now, I really do. It is horrible, really horrible. You are going to have to dig really deep here. It's not going to be a walk in the park. Do it for your son x

PeanutPatty · 03/01/2014 21:37

Fairy he won't change. You can't change him. You have made such a huge step in leaving already.

Totally understandable to be having a wobble. You are craving companionship, company and "normality" but you and your son deserve so much more than the companionship, company and "normality" that this man provides you with.

YourHandInMyHand · 03/01/2014 22:10

I think reality hitting you is good. Painful but good. You can be strong and get through this.

Do please get some official support for you and DS though please, you need to put things in place that shows what sort of man he is in case he pushes for unsupervised access or more.

Is that what is holding you off reporting him? That it will make it real?

ChelseaBun · 03/01/2014 22:17

As someone who has been where you are, I would say go and make a statement to the police.

The thought of it is worse than the reality of actually doing it. You think you can deal with this on your own but you are dealing with someone else's unpredictability. And the biggest mistake abused women make is to minimise the violence after the storm.

I have reported and am shortly due to give evidence against him. The protection I have received from all the organisations is fantastic.

whitsernam · 03/01/2014 22:22

I think what you're feeling is the shock and horror that he could do this to you; him - the man you love more than anyone else (except ds). And you feel the emptiness of him not being there at bedtime; nights seem to be the most difficult for most people. But you got through yesterday, and you will get through the rest of today, and you only need to do that: one day at a time. Keep giving yourself credit for what you have accomplished, and keep reaching out for the next hand to pull yourself up with. And do please report to police; you will probably need that report at some point in the not-so-distant future. You worry about how that will affect him, but did he worry about how his behavior was affecting you? Did he worry about you when he put his hands around your neck? Didn't think so. He was thinking about himself. If you're afraid he'll become more violent when you report, then please, please call WA just before you call police.

You can do this!

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 04/01/2014 19:24

I am feeling very positive today. Signed up for my new house!!b! So exciting.

I took DS to see DH today, he has made the house an absolute squat. It was so messy, he was in his pj's. It just made me realise that aside from all the obvious stuff, I so hated spending my life picking up his shit and it just confirmed everything for me!

OP posts:
Curioustiger · 04/01/2014 19:32

Fairy that's great news that you've secured new accommodation for you and DS. What you've achieved in a short space of time is amazing. Please do be careful though when you see your husband. If you really feel that you have to see him please try and go to public places or have other adults there. And always always let people know you're going and when. Stay safe and well done again.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 04/01/2014 19:37

I took my friend with me. I was cool, calm and collected, I was wearing makeup, looking nice and did my hair - he has seen me in a depressive state for so long I think it shocked him that I was together!

OP posts:
Curioustiger · 04/01/2014 19:41

Oh well done fairy, sorry if that sounded like obvious advice. So pleased to hear you're moving on.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 05/01/2014 10:02

He text me last night saying he wants me to come and will do whatever it take to make it work.

I know this isn't true but it has made me waver so I might need some MN tough love to remind me why this is bullshit please!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairy1303 · 05/01/2014 10:02

Forgot to say, I text back to say 'well, what do you think it would take?

OP posts:
LookingThroughTheFog · 05/01/2014 10:15

Has he apologised yet, Fairy? Or is it still your fault?

'Whatever it takes...' would, in my opinion consist on at least the following;

Recognition that he has a dangerous and violent anger management issues, and taking immediate steps, with help of doctors, to address that.

Recognition that after what he did, he needs to give you time and space, and not to invade your privacy. This should take as long as it takes to demonstrate that he has achieved the above.

If he is not prepared to put any work in to addressing point one, if he's not going to take it seriously enough to admit a weakness and seek help, then he will not change, ever. It will not magically go away. He will continue to lose his temper, and there is likely to be escalating levels of abuse.

It is not your responsibility to fix him. You cannot, and will not do this for him.

The abuse may not stop with you. You know how much patience children need. Does he have that in him?

Lottapianos · 05/01/2014 10:19

Its utter bullshit Fairy. He just wants to get you back under his control. People don't always mean what they say, but they do mean what they do- try to look past his nice words and stay focused on what he did to you. It was an extremely serious physical assault. He will not change. I say again - he will not change, please be absolutely sure about that. I completely understand your confused feelings and your desire to go back to 'normal' but you are honestly putting your life at risk if you have him back. You are doing brilliantly. Its a really great thing that you can share your feelings on here, please keep posting

IfNotNowThenWhen · 05/01/2014 10:21

Tough love?
OK.
My ex husband told me I was the love of his life. He did so much for me when we first got together. There was nothing he wouldn't do. We were soulmates. After we got married (quickly I might add) he changed. He became quite critical, and extremely jealous and possessive. He started accusing me of insane stuff-flirting with the waiter, coming home from work early to "catch" me doing something I shouldn't.
I stopped wanting to sleep with him, which made it worse. I became depressed and lost my job. He told me I was useless at everything-why did I find life so hard? What was wrong with me? He told lies to his family about me. He left me in a bar in the middle of nowhere at 3 am after I told him he had had enough to drink. (This is just random stuff cherry picked over 4 years btw, not the whole story).
I wore long sleeves all through July to cover the bruises on my arms. He broke my rib. I knew I had to leave, but by this point I was so emotionally dependent and destroyed. And then I found out about his affair, and left him. But I was devastated. I called him all the time. I agonized over how we (we!) could fix things. I missed him like a physical ache in my guts. So
I moved far far away, and within 6 months it was gone. Just like that.
When someone has had control of your life for a long time you actually become dependent on that approval, I guess. It's like the only person who can make you feel better is the very person that hurt you in the first place. It's fucked up. They loom so large in your life, because they have taken away your soul.
It's even harder for you-you have a child with this man, I didn't, but I don't doubt that, given the things your husband has already done, if you stay with him things will get better for a bit, and then much, much worse.
You think you feel bad now? Give it another couple of years.
I know everyone's situation is different, and it is easy to look at stories like mine and think "well at least he didn't break my rib" to which I say "yet".
Come on *fairy". You don't need this in your life. Move on.

petalsandstars · 05/01/2014 10:50

He put his hands round your throat and said he would do it again

Don't go back

Lweji · 05/01/2014 11:03

You could tell him that if he manages not to be violent or threatening to you in the next 50 years, then you'll consider getting back.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 05/01/2014 11:16

He has told you what you'd be in for if you go back.( He said 'he would do it again if he had to'.)

Don't go back. Please.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 05/01/2014 11:22

Don't even consider it, don't toy with the idea, or negotiate terms ie I'll come back 'if you do x, y or z , '.

Anyone who thinks that:

  1. Leaving a baby with a bottle in their mouth; and,
  2. Putting their hands around someone's throat,

is okay is not stable.

ChasedByBees · 05/01/2014 11:23

He could kill you next time. And your DS would be left without eithet parent.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 05/01/2014 11:27

i thought this wasn't about you?

is this not about the best interests of your child

ok then - go home and let him see daddy call mummy a cunt and throttle her

if you go back you are not being the best parent

shallowkitty · 05/01/2014 11:34

Custardo has it a nutshell. Don't do it to your son you are his world. Make his childhood happy and carefree. Not with a depressed mum and violent dad. How great will summer be in your own place where u and ds can do whatever you like. You will get to say what your money goes on. In time as your ds gets older and you are not being brought down by your exdp things will be so much better that you will be so relieved

rabbitlady · 05/01/2014 12:19

He text me last night saying he wants me to come and will do whatever it take to make it work.I know this isn't true but it has made me waver so I might need some MN tough love to remind me why this is bullshit please!

how did it feel when his hands were round your throat? i'm not asking that because i want an answer. i just want you to remember.

please don't let him do it again.

please don't go back or have him back. if he doesn't actually kill you (which he might) then you'll have to leave him again later. once the ex-husband and i split, that was it, i wouldn't consider having him back, for that reason. and, if we'd been together again, we'd both have been spending our time looking for someone else. no point putting myself at risk for that.

the men who threaten or attempt to kill you are controllers. they don't want to let the people they have controlled slip out of their grasp. shortly after we split, the ex was in the house for access or some such, and reproached me for something. i wasn't apologetic so he raised his arm to hit me. i said something like 'go ahead. i'll see you in court.' he knew he had lost his hold over me. they don't like to let go but by that time solicitors were involved and he knew it would help my case. another time, another reproach, and i responded 'what are you going to do? leave me?' we were already apart, everyone knew, there was nothing he could do, no power left.

i'm not saying i found it easy to shake him off. i had two years of wailing, then another few years of depression. maybe ten years to 'get over' it and twenty not to give a damn. then when he was diagnosed with a brain tumour last year i was horribly shaken - he'd been my first boyfriend, my husband, the person i thought i would make my life with, the father of my precious baby. and a total bastard. but someone i knew quite well in my youth.

but i am alive and i might not have been had i stayed with him. divorced is better than dead.

ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces · 05/01/2014 12:43

Don't go back. Next time he tries to strangle you (and he will), the outcome could be far worse.

Please don't leave DS without a mother.

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/01/2014 12:53

At what point will he decide that dsd is asking for it? You say that little girl is already afraid of him because she heard him threatening to pour boiling water over you?

Don't minimise this love. No one who loves you is going to put their hands around your throat, that is not normal under any conditions. You need to report this to the police.

PeanutPatty · 05/01/2014 13:52

He's trying to keep dialogue open. By communicating with you and you responding he is still getting your attention.

Think of Rachel Nickel's little boy who saw his mum murdered on Wimbledon Common. Ok so it was a stranger but he saw his mum attacked and killed. That boy has been mentally and emotionally scarred. Rachel was attacked by surprise. You know your attacker. You can make sure this doesn't happen to you and your son by staying away from your husband. I know this is harsh but sometimes it helps to see it from another perspective, your little boy's.