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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he put his hands around my throat

212 replies

Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 22:32

DH has been violent in speech in the past. Regularly calls me a cunt and a moron during arguments.

Today he left the baby upstairs with a bottle in his mouth. When I told him it was dangerous, and he should have just come to get me, he screamed at me that he would not put d's in danger, and he put his hands around my throat, hard.

He has done this once before, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't leave then.

When I tried to phone the police, he took my phone. He has now apologised, but says it was my fault, I'm a bully, I pushed him, I said hurtful things by suggesting that he would put d's in danger.

He has been saying this stuff for so long I start to question myself.
Anyone else in this situation I know what I would say. But with myself it doesn't seem so black and white.

please help me. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so so stupid.

I am not in immediate danger by the way - we are staying with his family and he is sleeping in another room for the night. I have told him I am leaving tomorrow. He says if I go I can't take my son.
I don't want to tear my family apart but I have to Don't i? Obviously I would be taking the baby with me.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 21:16

You're doing brilliantly fairy - this is YOUR decision (fwiw I think it's the right one), you need support, not questions Sad

Have you told anyone else in rl?

Curioustiger · 30/12/2013 22:18

Fairy you are doing so well. The difference between where you were 24 hours ago and where you are now is amazing. I do hope you can summon the strength to file a police report. But I understand that what you've already done takes an incredible strength. Just reiterating: we're all behind you and we will continue to support you!

EirikurNoromaour · 30/12/2013 22:44

I believe there is a possibility that you can get housing benefit despite your mortgage for a certain period of time when fleeing DV. You would be entitled if it weren't for the mortgage anyway being on maternity leave. You need to speak to women's aid about this.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 31/12/2013 10:44

You can absolutely get HB if you need to rent somewhere. Write to the HB office and explain the situation in full.

Clargo55 · 31/12/2013 10:59

How are you this morning Fairy? Thinking of you and DC.

Blueandwhitelover · 31/12/2013 12:34

Aw, I have just realised that you are the same person with the MIL and swimsuit issue (I think), doesn't your dsd live with you too?

Hope you are still feeling strong x

Mmmbacon · 31/12/2013 12:50

Fairy, thus thread brought back to me some of the awful things I went through with my ex

Please consider going to a refuge, I didnt I left and hid out at an obscure relatives, he found us attacked me kidnapped baby dd and threatens to kill her and himself to punish me

Thankfully police brought dd home safe and unharmed, but the what if stays with me, it was tge first time he had tired to strangle me, he did it as I held dd in my arms trying to protect her,, he only left go to catch dd as I was c dropping her,

Please please report him, keep your self safe, keep your ds safe,

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 31/12/2013 16:18

He wants to have d's at the weekend all weekend. I have offered for my friend to take him (and stay with them) for a few hours but he wants overnight. Would I be within my rights to say no? He is his father and he does adore him him but I can't be 100% sure that he would give him back.

OP posts:
Noctilucent · 31/12/2013 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenguinBear · 31/12/2013 16:25

Agree with the above. If you want to limit contact (which I agree you should), the fact that you've reported it would go in your favour.

PenguinBear · 31/12/2013 16:25

Reported to the Police.

Skang · 31/12/2013 16:27

Given the worry of not giving him back I would go through the court to sort access out.

glasgowsteven · 31/12/2013 16:54

More chance of getting HB if you report the domestic violence.

Also if you report him for DV and the house is your home, he will be banned from the house (on pain of jail) until the trial so that gives you somewhere to stay

for that reason report it to the police.

he will be arrested, he will stay in custody till he will go to court (prob on thursday or friday now) he may get remanded if he does get bail the conditions of bail will mean not contacting you or approcahing the locus of where the assault happened or your house

glasgowsteven · 31/12/2013 16:56

He wants to have d's at the weekend all weekend. I have offered for my friend to take him (and stay with them) for a few hours but he wants overnight. Would I be within my rights to say no? He is his father and he does adore him him but I can't be 100% sure that he would give him back.

Under no cisumstance allow him near the children just now.

Go to the police. Let them question him, he is prob so arrogant and self righteous he may admit "I just grabbed her a little bit" not realising that is assault.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 31/12/2013 17:10

I've posted before on this. Poss diff name. Can't really remember....

A friend of mum was subjected to twenty married years of 'arguements'. Up to and including hospital 'stays' for broken bones etc. I do not forget the effect on her child. I was five years older but she was noticeably on a hot tin roof at home. It savaged her confidence. (the dd) it was simply devastating to see over time. Opened my eyes dramatically.

Life will be immeasurably better. I'm so sorry as the broken dreams must be so painful.

Good luck. Always here too for chat. Xxxxx

DameFanny · 31/12/2013 17:47

Fairy, have you talked to the police yet?

I'm afraid this is the most dangerous tine for you and ds - when h is most likely to want to hurt you (and possibly ds) to either get you back under control, or as revenge because he feels slighted.

Please don't underestimate the danger of this. Please talk to the police and Women's Aid. They can give you some proper advice - and help you with security.

And please, whatever you do, don't let him have any unsupervised contact with ds until you've talked it through with WA and a solicitor?

Mmmbacon · 31/12/2013 18:04

Dont do it fairy, he.can't demand a full weekends access, he assaulted you yesterday,

You have to fo this by the book, look what not reporting him the last time did, he had been verbally and emotionally abusive to you sense, wearing v you down, making you question your self worth,

He is very dangerous now as you have taken back your control,

Report to police.

Seek shelter,

Get legal advice

Stay safe,

You can do this

neunundneunzigluftballons · 31/12/2013 18:08

I think you need to find out the legal situation with a solicitor for clarity. I hope he cannot see your ds until things stabilise and I would certainly not recommend that you put another woman in harms way so he can see the child. He is a volatile person who is now under stress because things are not going his way. I still think you need to speak to the police you are trying to keep life normal and have minimal fallout but it is not normal for a man to try to choke you.

PeanutPatty · 31/12/2013 21:18

I wouldn't be allowing him access at all. I can't imagine him happily handing your son back without a fuss or emotional blackmail attached.

fuzzywuzzy · 31/12/2013 22:09

Call the police and have this noted.

Tell your GP and HV what he did with leaving the baby with a bottle on his own.

Don't hand your baby to him, he is neglectful at best of your child. And he's threatened to not return the baby to you.

I'd LTB frankly.

ClangerOnaComeDown · 31/12/2013 22:38

Fairy, you can do this. I really have no constructive advice as I'm sure it has already been said. Stay strong my dear, we are all with you and wil help in any way we can. Stay with us!

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 01/01/2014 11:37

Last night I went and stayed with a friend and we went for a meal for NYE. (My mum had DS).

I stupidly got drunk and DH was texting me and i was SO desperate just to go home and see him.

Thankfully my friend didn't let me, and now in the cold light of day I am so pleased about that as it wouldn't have achieved anything and we would be back to square one - but I wonder what it is about myself that means that I would want to go back - he of course declared his undying love for me but he still wouldn't acknowledge that what he had done was wrong - in fact he reiterated that it was due to my behaviour and he would 'do it again if he had to' (which I've kept of course).

Why is it that after I have been strong enough to do this that I still wanted to go back with every fibre of my being last night?!

OP posts:
D0G · 01/01/2014 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buzzardbird · 01/01/2014 11:58

Well done fairy. Your moments of weakness are completely normal after abuse. I had several, it was always a really bad idea and made him more abusive. Please don't make the same mistakes I made. I wish I had mn wisdom back then.
Happy New Year to you and your ds. Hope 2014 is a great year. Thanks

BathTimeBill · 01/01/2014 12:03

What an awful situation. Non of this is his fault. Keep all the messages. If I were you I would log it with the police. just call 101 and they will make a log of the incident and if you wish to do something about it at a later point in time its all there written down.

Its the new year and a new start for you. I hope you are safe and well. Thinking of you.

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