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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he put his hands around my throat

212 replies

Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 22:32

DH has been violent in speech in the past. Regularly calls me a cunt and a moron during arguments.

Today he left the baby upstairs with a bottle in his mouth. When I told him it was dangerous, and he should have just come to get me, he screamed at me that he would not put d's in danger, and he put his hands around my throat, hard.

He has done this once before, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't leave then.

When I tried to phone the police, he took my phone. He has now apologised, but says it was my fault, I'm a bully, I pushed him, I said hurtful things by suggesting that he would put d's in danger.

He has been saying this stuff for so long I start to question myself.
Anyone else in this situation I know what I would say. But with myself it doesn't seem so black and white.

please help me. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so so stupid.

I am not in immediate danger by the way - we are staying with his family and he is sleeping in another room for the night. I have told him I am leaving tomorrow. He says if I go I can't take my son.
I don't want to tear my family apart but I have to Don't i? Obviously I would be taking the baby with me.

OP posts:
Skinheadmermaid · 30/12/2013 09:38

His behaviour is not normal, he is a bully. You must leave now before it gets worse and trust me it will.
Do you want your child to grow up watching his father beat his mother?
To break a stranglehold bring your arms up into the middke of his and break outwards. I personally would follow up with a swift kick to the balls and then hit the back of his skull with whatever heavy object you can find.

My father was a violent man, my mother left him as soon as he raised his hand to her but she ended up in hospital first.
Sad

LindyHemming · 30/12/2013 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 30/12/2013 09:51

It's hard, isn't it, because he is nice and just normal most of the time, right? He has a normal job, loves his daughter. Now he is acting like it's all a bit of a joke, being normal, so it's hard to not feel a bit silly, like you are overreacting, like you are going to blow your world apart for a silly row.
Well, be assured; what he did was NOT normal. Calling you a cunt, ever, is NOT normal. Men do not put their hands around their partner's throats in normal relationships, and then act like nothing happened in normal relationships. That's what gaslighting does to you. It diminishes your confidence in yourself to the point where your own reasoning almost dissapears.
You can't make someone act like this. He chose to do this.
Please collect all the evidence you can. You may need it, especially when he tries to turn this all back on you, after you have left.
We are all behind you. Be safe.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 30/12/2013 09:55

Hi, can't do a long update but wanted to let you all know I'm ok and say thank you for all the support. He is now at work. I'm packing my things today and then going before he is home from work.

OP posts:
HedgehogsRevenge · 30/12/2013 10:21

Glad to hear it OP. You're doing the right thing.
Stay safe.

octopusinasantasack · 30/12/2013 10:24

Leave, ASAP, and don't go back no matter what he says. Can you go to your family? Sorry that you are going through this.

Badvocatyuletide · 30/12/2013 10:26

Just one important thing really.
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT
Just keep repeating that to yourself.
Get your child away form this dangerous man.
And stay safe x

YourHandInMyHand · 30/12/2013 10:26

Stay safe fairy. Don't tell his parents you are officially leaving unless you absolutely have to, just say you are going to visit. I know you say they are supportive but they still might phone him and give him a heads up, which would be very dangerous for you.

Let us know when you get to your mums.

Do consider logging it with the police, I think you may well regret it down the line if you don't. Also, think about calling women's aid and ask to be put in touch with someone local for support.

Joules68 · 30/12/2013 10:29

If you don't have this officially recorded then he will claim it didn't happen. Should he go to court for contact then you might find you have no comeback, get it reported op. Leaving isn't enough

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 10:31

Fairy it is him, not you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

You might want to think about asking mnhq to move this to relationships -I'm sure you know but there is so, so much support on mn and chat threads are deleted after a while. I think you might need longer term support Sad

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 10:34

And please don't let his parents convince you to stay - they are not the ones who have to live with this day to day, you are. You know it isn't going to get better, please don't wait until the next time x

D0G · 30/12/2013 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarewinning · 30/12/2013 10:35

fairy sorry to hear this. Have you git your DSD with you? Is she safe? You can take your DS no question. And I think you should call the police too.

Blueandwhitelover · 30/12/2013 10:37

Good girl for leaving, stay strong. Where are you going?

maras2 · 30/12/2013 10:45

Good luck Fairy.Will be thinking about you.

Noctilucent · 30/12/2013 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 30/12/2013 12:18

Keep going Fairy, and never look back x

Curioustiger · 30/12/2013 12:19

Good luck fairy. We're all behind you. Get yourself out if there and once you're at your mum's i hope that you will ring the police then women's aid for advice. Give that lovely DS a big cuddle as well, you both deserve it.

AlpacaPicnic · 30/12/2013 12:25

Good luck fairy. Be strong. You and your child deserve better than this.

ChairmanWow · 30/12/2013 12:31

Good luck Fairy. You are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and your DS. But please, report this to the police. He did it to you once before, and he has been controlling every aspect of your life and destroying your self-esteem. Given the damage he has done to you please don't worry about the impact arrest or prosecution may have on him - he is entirely responsible for this and has brought it upon himself.

Hope you're getting some TLC from your mum Thanks

neunundneunzigluftballons · 30/12/2013 12:33

I recently had cause to deal with a young man who was dealing with a domestic violence situation at home all his life. He is a shadow of the man he should be, he is sad and afraid. I wondered how on gods earth a mother could allow this situation to continue but I can see how from you posts it is difficult to do what is necessary and ring the police because you think what you are doing is for the best. It is not though you should have rung the police the first time, you should have rung the police yesterday you should ring the police today. It is not easy but if you allow things to continue the way the are it will destroy your son. This is not your fault but you do need to take control of the situation. I am sorry this is happening.

rabbitlady · 30/12/2013 12:34

Do not discuss this. Get your child and go NOW.

i haven't read everything but i can see from the latest posts you are going/thinking of going... so i'll put this in capitals just for emphasis.

PLEASE GO NOW.
IN FEBRUARY 1986 MY THEN-HUSBAND KNELT ACROSS MY CHEST WITH A KNEE ON EACH OF MY UPPER ARMS AND HIS HANDS TIGHT ROUND MY THROAT, AND SQUEEZING. I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO SEE YOUR LIFE PASS BEFORE YOUR EYES, AND TO BE SAD THAT YOUR NEARLY-FOUR-YEAR-OLD WILL COME DOWNSTAIRS IN THE MORNING TO FIND HER MUMMY'S BODY. IN THE EVENT, I REMEMBERED SOMETHING, DID IT, AND SURVIVED. YOU MIGHT NOT BE SO LUCKY.
PLEASE, PLEASE GO NOW.

rabbitlady · 30/12/2013 12:38

sorry, panic-mode there! hope you're safe.

raffle · 30/12/2013 12:41

Remembered what, Rabbit?

randomAXEofkindness · 30/12/2013 12:48

I can only repeat what everybody else has said, but I'm thinking of you Fairy, you are doing the right thing x

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