Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

he put his hands around my throat

212 replies

Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 22:32

DH has been violent in speech in the past. Regularly calls me a cunt and a moron during arguments.

Today he left the baby upstairs with a bottle in his mouth. When I told him it was dangerous, and he should have just come to get me, he screamed at me that he would not put d's in danger, and he put his hands around my throat, hard.

He has done this once before, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't leave then.

When I tried to phone the police, he took my phone. He has now apologised, but says it was my fault, I'm a bully, I pushed him, I said hurtful things by suggesting that he would put d's in danger.

He has been saying this stuff for so long I start to question myself.
Anyone else in this situation I know what I would say. But with myself it doesn't seem so black and white.

please help me. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so so stupid.

I am not in immediate danger by the way - we are staying with his family and he is sleeping in another room for the night. I have told him I am leaving tomorrow. He says if I go I can't take my son.
I don't want to tear my family apart but I have to Don't i? Obviously I would be taking the baby with me.

OP posts:
BathTimeBill · 01/01/2014 12:04

sorry children distracting me there Non of this is your fault!!!! please excuse my horrendous typo.

SidneyBristow · 01/01/2014 14:02

Fairy, stay strong. Fwiw I suspect it's a stable home life with a loving and supportive partner that you're longing for, and unfortunately your husband doesn't seem capable of that anymore. You are worth more than this sort of ugly nonsense. I've always felt a kinship with you since I'm also a Stepmother with a rather overbearing MIL, and I hate to see the turn things have taken for you - but as Bill has said, none of this is your fault. Please stay strong and keep telling yourself that no matter how difficult things may be in the short term, they'll be easier than staying with someone who knows he can try to choke you without consequence. Next time he might not let go.

Thinking of you, please stay safe xx

And yes, much too early to commit to overnight access - no harm in letting him sweat it out til you get legal advice.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 01/01/2014 19:35

Hi all.
I'm feeling so much more positive today. I feel really empowered and great. I think the fact that I had the wobble last night and I moved through it makes me feel like I will be able to cope with the next wobble.

I reported DH to children's services today. DSD told MIL that she is scared to go back without me there, recalled an incident where he threatened to poor boiling water over my head. I can't let her go back to that.

I'm also a social worker myself (albeit with adults) and I have felt quilty for a long time that she has been exposed to his temper.

So I feel like I'm making a bit of progress in a disgusting situation.

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhen · 01/01/2014 19:40

Jesus, poor kid. And, going by previous threads, I thought your husbands EX was supposed to be the abusive one?? Or am I getting mixed up?

SunshineOnACrappyDay · 01/01/2014 19:40

Well done Fairy, so glad you got through the wobble and have spoken to children's services.

Flowers
Clargo55 · 01/01/2014 19:44

What's DSD mum like? Any way you could still be there for DSD when you can?

Well done for the last few days, you've been so strong.
May this year be much better than the last Brew

ilovemybum · 01/01/2014 19:47

Call the police. Now. I was in this position last year. ExDP was violent and in the end I could take no more and had to call the police. We have a DS together and my first thought wasn't about breaking up the family it was what if it was DS next time. You can take your son. I was constantly told by ExDP that I could leave at anytime but I wasn't to take DS with me. So I stupidly stayed. I really hope you find the courage to get out now. Whilst you can.

YourHandInMyHand · 01/01/2014 19:55

He threatened to poor boiling water over your head and his DD heard too!? Shock Sad This man should not be trusted with his lovely dcs. Angry

Thank god you are out of there fairy and what a fab friend you have taking you out and not letting you make a drunken decision last night.

I think you haven't logged his assault with the police yet have you? Please, please consider it. What is it that's stopping you? Maybe those of us on thread can talk it through with you.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 01/01/2014 20:10

DSDs mum wasn't abusive no, she just didn't want her and was not cut out to be a parent.

The boiling water thing was a 'joke' - hilarious I know.

I haven't reported to the police, no.
I'm not sure what is stopping me.

And I am out of the situation now. I'm not going back.

OP posts:
meeeemo · 01/01/2014 20:13

good for you op. stay strong!

Clargo55 · 01/01/2014 20:13

Please report to the please Fairy. If he abused anyone in the future ( his DD, new partner) it could really help them get a conviction or help to safe guard DD.

People here can talk you through it all if theirs something in particular you are worried about.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 01/01/2014 20:14

Oh, and I'm biding my time about DSD, I would ultimately like custody but I don't want to make things messier than they need to be for her and she is safe at the moment with granny.

I know this.is ridiculous but I can't believe you are all so.shocked - I suppose it has been so ingrained in me that I didn't think it was that bad.

OP posts:
Noctilucent · 01/01/2014 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 01/01/2014 20:15

So glad you're out of there
For anyone else reading in future, strangulation is dangerous not least because of the obvious but also, because exp favourite form of abuse was squeezing my windpipe, I was told that holding then releasing can cause an air bubble which will eventually go into your brain or heart and kill you.
This makes it a doubly dangerous thing to do.
Op, well done - onwards and upwards xx

Flisspaps · 01/01/2014 20:29

Fairy - well done for getting out.

However, I'd seriously think about reporting the assault to to the police. Your DSD is safe for now but he could remove her from MIL at any time, really. If you'd like to attempt to go for custody, surely it's in her best interests that his violence has been logged?

PeanutPatty · 01/01/2014 21:05

I'd agree that it is really best to log things with the Police. You may regret not doing so further down the line.

I wonder if by not reporting it makes it less serious/real in your own mind? Or do you think they may not believe you?

bigbuttons · 01/01/2014 21:13

Fairy, I passed over incidents of kicking, strangulation and one headbutt. Christ knows why. I finally did call the police out one day, although he wasn't being physical at the time I felt threatened and warned him i would call them if he didn't stop. He carried on so for the first time ever they came.
I told the police about the headbutt and they were very keen to press charges even though some time had elapsed.
They made phone calls and were very apologetic when it turned out I needed to have made a complaint within a certain time frame and that time had passed.
I have since left him.
PLease don't let that happen to you too Sad

YourHandInMyHand · 01/01/2014 21:15

If you are wanting to look at things long term then getting this logged is best for you, and most importantly, for your dcs. He can't be trusted to look after the baby unsupervised, and his older dcs are old enough to take in his verbal threats, as well as be at risk of physical abuse like you have received.

Why don't you call 101 and ask to speak to someone in the local DV team? They may be able to give you advise and talk it over with you?

RenterNomad · 01/01/2014 21:58

I've read and replied to your other threads, possibly with a different name, but this has come as a shock, and I think I can understand why you are so in shock you are not doing the thing everyone is begging you to do: you have been fighting on so many different fronts, from child behaviour to MIL interference, and maybe you just used to thinking of your H as weak, maybe ineffectual. Violence came as a shock - maybe to him, too - but the important thing is that he tried it out, and although he's a bit scared of your response, he's not even swearing never to do it again, much less going to the police. Rather, he's making jokes and wooing (distracting) you (possibly his parents, too), hoping it will all blow over. Given the riskiness of choking/strangulatiom, it just doesn't make sense to trust hi and it seems he needs to be taught what he did. Even if it was a "mistake" to think he could try it, it's a bloody high-risk mistake, and he needs to be stopped from "trying" it again.

ChasedByBees · 01/01/2014 22:39

Please please please report this to the police. He may be able to apply to have your DC stay with him for long periods, joint custody even, and do you really think someone with that temper is going to be safe with them? Please for the sake of your DS and DSD please report him.

wallypops · 02/01/2014 02:40

Honestly going to the police will not be anywhere near as scary/dramatic as you think it will be. You just need to have this on record, it will be so helpful to you, and probably save you and your children's (I'm including SD) lives. Stop procrastinating and do it after breakfast today.

You know about abuse and so cannot believe that you have let it happen to you. It does not fit with your own self image. And the only way to square that circle is to minimise the abuse. Honestly you cannot really love a man that threatens to pour boiling water over your head. And in a few years time which of the children will he be threatening to kill or maim? And will you normalise that too? Go to the police, get your perceptions back in line with reality, rescue your step daughter - in brief be wonderwoman!!

ohfourfoxache · 02/01/2014 02:53

Fairy please please report this to the police sweetheart Sad

What would you tell one of your clients if they told you that this had happened to them?

You need to - you know you do Sad

You are being so brave and so strong, you should be very very proud of yourself xx

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 02/01/2014 02:56

Do you have any marks?
Silly question but .. If you have a sure start near you, they sometimes offer an independent confidential service where you go to get pictures taken of any DV related injuries to help if you decide to approach the police later on.
The same service will also help and support you at that time.

Though I agree totally with the posters who say go to the police .. Especially while details are still fresh in your mind, this may be a helpful 'halfway mark'
If it helps I was interviewed over an assault that was extremely traumatic (I was kicked round the head in front of my six month old son) and I cannot praise the police enough. They were kind, gentle, gave me a lot of their time, no pressure, and I was made to feel that I would be safe afterwards which was my main concern.

Thinking of you whatever you decide to do Thanks

mrsericnorthmaniwish · 02/01/2014 07:58

I can't offer much more than all the other posters have, but please report it to the police, The fact that it will be on record will help you in the future. There is plenty of help out there, you should be entitled to housing benefit although you may have to find a property yourself, contact your local council, www.shelter.org is full of information. Stay strong :)

Deathwatchbeetle · 02/01/2014 08:35

So glad you contacted Child services but you really should at least speak to the police so they can log it. Even if you do not want to take it further now. If he plays up later his behaviour will be on record. He has to know this is NOT acceptable. Please do not go back to him -not only for your sake but for your son as well. The last thing you want is a lovely boy to grow up thinking it is perfectly reasonable to attack people because obviously if his dad did it and his mummy stayed with his dad then it must have been ok.