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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he put his hands around my throat

212 replies

Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 22:32

DH has been violent in speech in the past. Regularly calls me a cunt and a moron during arguments.

Today he left the baby upstairs with a bottle in his mouth. When I told him it was dangerous, and he should have just come to get me, he screamed at me that he would not put d's in danger, and he put his hands around my throat, hard.

He has done this once before, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't leave then.

When I tried to phone the police, he took my phone. He has now apologised, but says it was my fault, I'm a bully, I pushed him, I said hurtful things by suggesting that he would put d's in danger.

He has been saying this stuff for so long I start to question myself.
Anyone else in this situation I know what I would say. But with myself it doesn't seem so black and white.

please help me. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so so stupid.

I am not in immediate danger by the way - we are staying with his family and he is sleeping in another room for the night. I have told him I am leaving tomorrow. He says if I go I can't take my son.
I don't want to tear my family apart but I have to Don't i? Obviously I would be taking the baby with me.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2013 12:51

Fairy - you need to report this to the police. You need it on record. There may come a time when you fear for you sons safety with him and you will need to provide 'proof' of previous violence. Make sure you tell them about the previous time as well. You simply cannot worry about how this will affect his life - he made that decision, you have to protect yourself, your son and other women.

What you did/said to him was reasonable. However, even if it hadn't been, even if you had told him you had been fucking his best friend, putting his hands around your neck is never understandable or acceptable. Clearly his treatment of you is mostly bloody awful and you need to get away from him.

What is the situation with your home? You need to do what you can to secure that for you and your son, as well as get any money you can out of your joint account (if you have one).

Do not take him back - the escalation from here is death - yours or DS's :(

DameFanny · 30/12/2013 12:58

Good luck Fairy. Please please report this to the police once you're safe - and talk to women's aid too - they can help you and ds stay safe by staying away - whether or not you need a refuge place

Clargo55 · 30/12/2013 13:05

Thinking of you fairy. Hope you have some RL support with you atm x

Buzzardbird · 30/12/2013 13:07

Good luck Fairy. I think you will regret it if you don't report it tbh. This happened to me and I only saved myself by grabbing a heavy object and hitting him over the head with it. If I had not done this I would not be hear now I know. I didn't report him as he was a fireman and I knew he would lose his job. When I took his power away from him by leaving he really stepped up his 'control' and I had an awful few months of hiding before it settled down. I was not free until he got a job in another country.

I wish I had reported. I feel scared for what might happen to his future partners.

Buzzardbird · 30/12/2013 13:08

*here Blush

Xfirefly · 30/12/2013 13:21

been thinking of you all morning Fairy. I'm so glad you're leaving. please leave as soon as you can. I've seen too many stories lately of women killed by their partners and it starts off with abuse like this. Youre doing the right thing by yourself and your DS.

Please report to the police , don't feel guilty for him! if you don't it may cause problems for you later.

good luck Thanks

SunshineOnACrappyDay · 30/12/2013 13:38

Well done lovely, thinking of you today. Flowers

Littlegreyauditor · 30/12/2013 13:45

I can't offer any more useful advice than has been given but as an ex martial arts instructor I do have this:
The technique for breaking a choke hold might work, if you are lucky, if the attacker is taken by surprise or isn't that strong, but it might make him tighten his grip. Better by far is to fight dirty, really damn dirty and access the vulnerable anatomy. Eyes are good, ears are good, fingers up nostrils are very good, particularly if you twist and pull. Fingernails are your strongest weapon but the single most effective method I have found is to stick your fingers, or better yet your thumb in the windpipe.

Feel along your collar bone to the centre of your throat. There should be a small notch just in front of the windpipe. If you stick a finger in there, hard, and hook downwards (as if tucking in the top of an envelope) it will get anyone's attention. I have seen it make a 16 stone man vomit. It is extraordinarily painful and distressing and will hopefully give you space and time to get away.

Once you are away you don't go back.

It takes about 2 minutes to choke someone to death. Properly applied a choke hold can have you unconscious in 10.

Your husband is not safe to be around Fairy. I'm so sorry and I hope you are going to be OK. Be safe.

Littlegreyauditor · 30/12/2013 13:50

10 seconds, sorry.

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 30/12/2013 14:06

One of the questions that we ask on a domestic violence "risk assessment" is "has there been any strangulation during the relationship". It's a big red flag

PeanutPatty · 30/12/2013 14:20

Hoping that you are at your mum's Fairy having a lovely cup of tea.

Please please consider calling the police. Get the ball rolling. You can do it!

ChairmanWow · 30/12/2013 15:18

You okay Fairy? Am hoping you're at your mum's getting your head together. Can you just do a quick post to say you're okay?

If you're still at ex's house make sure you're logged out of MN. Don't want him reading any of this. Hope you're okay.

rabbitlady · 30/12/2013 17:18

Remembered what, Rabbit?
remembered something i read about how to escape an attacker.

AskBasil · 30/12/2013 17:45

Hope you got safe away Fairy.

Please do report, doing so could save your child a lot of danger and misery in years to come.

Whose life matters more? Yours and your child's, or your abuser's? There's no contest is there? Really, don't worry about his life, worry about your own and that of your child. It's very very unlikely that you will regret reporting this while the chance of regretting not reporting is probably higher. Ask anyone whose abusive ex uses contact time to control them and to abuse their child. Please don't underestimate how much damage he can do even when you don't live with him anymore. Speak to Women's Aid, they will help you, they will listen to you.

I hope you're getting lots of RL support.

MNHQ
DecorKateTheXmasTreeMumsnet · 30/12/2013 17:57

Thank you to those who brought this thread to our attention.

We're truly sorry you're going through this Fairy, and we hope things start to get better for you soon. You can read our domestic violence webguide here, we hope it's of some use. Wishing you the very best Flowers

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 30/12/2013 19:00

Thank you all. I'm sorry I haven't updated.
Saying goodbye to my DSD was so hard - of course she doesn't know what is going on and thinks I'm staying at nanny fairy's for a bit and so waved me off as I was getting in the way of her playing. MIL is keeping hold of her for a while under the guise of extended xmas holiday. I'm not sure when I will next see her again which is really hard.

I spoke to women's aid today, who were helpful. I haven't reported it to the police yet and I'm not sure if I can. I am happy though that I gave my details to WA so at least it is logged somewhere.

My mum doesn't seem to get it - she acknowledges that it must have been hideous (I told her everything) but she keeps asking if I am sure.

Of course I am not sure - I do love him, but I am sure of this: I cannot sit here in 25 years having DSs wife telling me she is leaving because he hurt her.

So I know I am doing the right thing.

Does anyone know what happens abour my house? It's a joint mortgage and I don't want to live there now, but I can't rent somewhere andx pay mortgage while it sells.

OP posts:
garlicbaubles · 30/12/2013 19:18

If the title to your home is also in joint names, you don't need to do anything about that. You can register your interest in it to be on the safe side - these rules have changed since I did it, but you can ring the Land Registry or as Womens Aid for advice. In your shoes, I'd also tell the mortgage lender your marriage has broken down and you won't be paying any more towards it. As long as you can get yourself & DS housed, it could be worth letting the old house be repossessed if necessary. STBX might calm down after a bit, and agree to rent it out or something - cross those bridges when you come to them. Womens Aid can definitely put you in touch with solicitors and other advisors who are clued up on the special circumstances relating to DV.

I'm sorry your mum's being such a numpty. Will she be okay if you ask her to just accept you've made the best decision for you?

And this may sound odd: Happy New Year! I'm sure it isn't starting the way you intended but, hey, "To raise my son free from fear" is a very, very good resolution.

theeternalstudent · 30/12/2013 19:18

I would contact woman's aid again and see if they can help you with finding new accommodation and doing a benefits check.... or at least they should be able to point you in the direction of the different agencies that can help you with all that. Even though you have a mortgage you should be able to claim housing benefit. They will probably ask for copies of paperwork.

Did you bring paperwork with you like birth certificates and passports?
As for your mum, she just doesn't understand. Sometimes for those that care about you it's hard for them to fully accept what has happened, because the truth is just too hard to bare.

Good luck Fairy and stay strong.

SunshineOnACrappyDay · 30/12/2013 19:26

Big hugs to you lovely. It can't be easy.

www.shelter.org.uk are brilliant for advice about housing and so on.

Littlegreyauditor · 30/12/2013 20:08

Good luck OP, and I wish you a better 2014.

Noctilucent · 30/12/2013 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameFanny · 30/12/2013 20:48

You should be able to claim housing benefit even though you have a house because you're fleeing violence. Talk to Women's Aid about that.

Really do consider talking to the police properly? Once the assault is on the record then you'll also be able to access Legal Aid, which you may well need.

DuckSongRocks · 30/12/2013 20:52

It's your life too and you only get one Thanks

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 30/12/2013 21:00

Can I get HB though?? Am on MAT leave until march so earning virtually nothing but I have a 30k job usually.

OP posts:
youarewinning · 30/12/2013 21:03

Fairy speak to Borough council. I know from a previous thread your same town as me. Pm me if your need anything. Although after random firework going of last night I'll be going to bed in a bit as knack erred so if I don't respond until tomorrow I'm not ignoring you!

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