he put his hands around my throat

[Fairy1303]

DH has been violent in speech in the past. Regularly calls me a cunt and a moron during arguments.

Today he left the baby upstairs with a bottle in his mouth. When I told him it was dangerous, and he should have just come to get me, he screamed at me that he would not put d's in danger, and he put his hands around my throat, hard.

He has done this once before, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't leave then.

When I tried to phone the police, he took my phone. He has now apologised, but says it was my fault, I'm a bully, I pushed him, I said hurtful things by suggesting that he would put d's in danger.

He has been saying this stuff for so long I start to question myself.
Anyone else in this situation I know what I would say. But with myself it doesn't seem so black and white.

please help me. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so so stupid.

I am not in immediate danger by the way - we are staying with his family and he is sleeping in another room for the night. I have told him I am leaving tomorrow. He says if I go I can't take my son.
I don't want to tear my family apart but I have to Don't i? Obviously I would be taking the baby with me.

Urgh please please don't do what I did and sweep it under the carpet. It really does get worse and worse and in the end so unbelievable you can't ask for help as it just sounds made up.

So glad I'm free of my ex FW now.

He is minimising it to make it less of his issue and more something you are making an issue of.

He is playing a dangerous game with you.

because that's what abusive people do, Fairy - it's how they justify it and make you question yourself

Please don't ignore it - it WILL get worse again (it has already got worse than "normal" as it's moved from shouting and verbal abuse to physical - and very dangerously physical at that)

You say you're sick of egg shells; lock yourself in the bathroom and call the police on 999.

He CAN NOT keep you from your son. He CAN NOT stop you taking your son to your mums. He most likely won't anyway - it's a typical threat as most abusive characters know that is the very button to press to keep you in your place.

Break free and stay safe.

You and your little one can't leave a moment too soon. Others will have better advice and know things to do like access to money, who to go to for help etc but just wanted to add some support and hope to read your out of there soon with your little one xxx

Stay safe. Act normal tomorrow and leave as soon as you are able. He sounds scary. Is it possible that he will go to your mum's after he finishes work? Is there a chance he might not go to work tmw?

He's playing mind games by minimising, trying to make you question yourself. Please leave and do not tell him you are leaving.

Can you have somebody with you while you pack and leave?
If not give women's aid a call they can help either way.

Please leave, if he can do this to you he can and will do the same to DC one day

You need to leave now, not tomorrow. The fact he is minimising it means he doesn't care.

please get out

OP although I've not been a direct victim of domestic violence..I grew up seeing my mum being regularly hit by her violent foul tempered partner.

You know what you need to do. Do not for one second think about him, his future or his welfare. You must only focus on you and your DC. Take one step and one day at a time x

Op I have been in a very similar situation recently and have finally left.
Convinced me everyone around me was bad etc etc
I finally called the police. He squeezed his hands around my cheeks and pushed my head back. That's all he did physically but he was found guilty. Hasn't been sentenced yet and is ON REMAND for breaking the initial bail they gave him for texting me.
The police WILL support you...They have been so good to me

He WONT change. ..

Call the police.

If you give him any warning that you are going you will end up in a fight over your child, with him trying to prevent you leaving with your baby. You shouldn't feel safe because you are staying with family. My friend was beaten badly in her mother's house. She didn't scream you see. Neither did you when he throttled you. Honestly - you should be on the phone to the police now.

Fairy, I am so sad for you. Please call the police.

Sad? I'm worried

Clear history on your phone. This is the most dangerous time... Planning to leave. If he catches on, your life will be in more danger than it is already

Fwiw. I read about strangulation ( my ex did this to me) next time just go limp before you start to struggle. He will let go thinking he's killed you.

Leave as soon as you can

Don't worry about ruining his life, get him charged because if you don't he will more than likely use his contact time with your child to ruin both your's and the baby's.

Don't give him that power, he will abuse it.

OP, you deserve better than this.

I was in an abusive marriage and I know what you mean about it not seeming like black and white when you're in it. I only left XH after the second time he threatened me with a hammer... He started off being emotionally abusive too.

Please, please call the police and take care of yourself. He has no justification to do this to you.

I don't want to scare you but can I just say a mother at my child school was a victim of DV. He killed her during a row 2 weeks ago :-( .She died of strangulation and left behind a ds. She was a normal, lovely women and in a heated moment he lost his temper and it was too late she was gone please do not let this be you. He is already emotionally controlling you please report it and get help for the sake of your child.

Just to say that this is a red flag to the authorities, such as police/ss etc. - if a man is smothering, or strangling, or trying to choke you then they consider those things among the highest risk actions, in the DV spectrum.

Just so you know you will be taken seriously.
You need to document all this stuff with the police on 101 as a matter of course, even if you do not intend to leave. Because if you do one day it will make your case far stronger and your children will be better protected in regards to access/supervision etc.

This is really important.

OP I hope you are ok and planning your escape. Get the fuck away from this man, he is dangerous. What if the baby pisses him off, it could be his throat he goes for next time. Why do care if his life is ruined? He and he alone is responsible for his abusive behaviour, no-one else. It does'nt matter how YOU react/handle situations, he is and always will be abusive.
Please consider going to the police, it will help protect your son in the future. If they have no record of the abuse it is likely he will be granted unsupervised access and men this dangerous can and do hurt their children to punish the mothers. Please think about that.

Good luck for today. Please update us when you can to let us know you're all right.

I really think you should report it to the police. At least because of what he said about not letting you take your baby with you. That is something likely to come up again in the future.

Ltb

Every single victim of domestic abuse has been told it is her fault. It isn't.

There is no excuse.

Phone the police.