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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he put his hands around my throat

212 replies

Fairy1303 · 29/12/2013 22:32

DH has been violent in speech in the past. Regularly calls me a cunt and a moron during arguments.

Today he left the baby upstairs with a bottle in his mouth. When I told him it was dangerous, and he should have just come to get me, he screamed at me that he would not put d's in danger, and he put his hands around my throat, hard.

He has done this once before, years ago.
I don't know why I didn't leave then.

When I tried to phone the police, he took my phone. He has now apologised, but says it was my fault, I'm a bully, I pushed him, I said hurtful things by suggesting that he would put d's in danger.

He has been saying this stuff for so long I start to question myself.
Anyone else in this situation I know what I would say. But with myself it doesn't seem so black and white.

please help me. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened. I feel so so stupid.

I am not in immediate danger by the way - we are staying with his family and he is sleeping in another room for the night. I have told him I am leaving tomorrow. He says if I go I can't take my son.
I don't want to tear my family apart but I have to Don't i? Obviously I would be taking the baby with me.

OP posts:
Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 02/01/2014 08:39

I agree with the police thing. It is the first step on your new path. You may regret not getting that police report if you don't, as it is an illustration to other agencies what your husband is like in deed and behaviour.

GotMyGoat · 02/01/2014 08:58

Please report to police, to protect your children as well as you during custody battles etc. he will turn and things will get nasty, report report report.

Holdthepage · 02/01/2014 09:16

You owe it to any children involved in this man's life to report the choking incident to the police. They can't go to the police, you must do it, to get it down on record.

RyanGoslingsMissus · 02/01/2014 09:20

Leave. Report him.

He neglected your child - leaving a baby in a position where he could have choked to death, then he attempted the same with you.

You might want to ask yourself if either of you should stay with someone who has just attempted to end both your lives.

Because that is what he has done.

You will not be as scared in your new life as you will be in a few months time, if you stay with this man, if you're around that long.

Trust the women on these threads. Some, like me, are survivors of this behaviour. But sadly not all are that lucky.

He will escalate if he's done this to you twice. Don't doubt that. Police are incredibly helpful and supportive. They will also help you understand the seriousness of what he's done. It's hard for you to be objective.

Sending you support and love.

sarajane231 · 02/01/2014 09:29

My DS's father was like this and left him very quickly and never looked back. Im sorry...I know it's hard but I could never want to grow old with someone who spoke to me like that and became violent. I hope you find the strength xxx

JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/01/2014 09:38

He'd do it again if he had to? Shock

Wow, most abusers at least go through the motions of being contrite.

Well done for getting out.

Meerka · 02/01/2014 09:39

I did not report it to the police when something liek this happened to me as an adult (not with partner) ... I wish now I had, I really do. The kids in the situation went on to be badly abused and the results are heartbreaking.

Please, learn from someone else's mistake. Report it.

rabbitlady · 02/01/2014 09:51

i'd support reporting it to the police. it never occurred to me to do that when it happened to me -only years later when i was posting about it on mumsnet.
tell the police, make them log it, in case you need their support later, if he threatens you etc.

glasgowsteven · 02/01/2014 10:45

Report to the police.

Its not a case of the above poster "make them log it", make them act on your report.

The police gather evidence, the CPS/PF act on it and prosecute.

Report it and they will arrest him and it will go to trial, and inhis words he would do it again...I reiterate my previous point, he would prob admit to it.

Also if you report it to the police he will be banned by law from being in your house (the one you own jointtly)

alphacourse · 02/01/2014 14:57

Hi Fairy

I understand why you are reluctant to go to the Police. My ex partner did the same to me last Saturday night. I phoned womens aid on Monday. I haven't phoned the police, despite having a bruised wrist, hip, back, upper arm and sore throat. I am worried that if I report it I will be stuffed money wise and it will escalate even further. Sending hugs to you.

alphacourse · 02/01/2014 14:59

He also regularly calls me a cunt, as your DH does. I keep saying "well, he hasn't actually hit me". We are both minimising - normal in EA relationships where you can't see clearly.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 03/01/2014 10:10

I'm having a really bad day today. It hit me at DSs bedtime last night - it was always DHs 'thing' and I just couldn't do it. I can't look after him at the moment because all I want to do is hide away and not deal with anything.

I'm not strong enough for this.

OP posts:
Curioustiger · 03/01/2014 10:14

You can fairy. You've done so much already. Please just take it one step at a time. I realise bedtimes are symbolic of the bigger picture but you can do one bedtime, right? That's all you need to do this evening. Worry a out tomorrow, tomorrow, but please stick with it.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 03/01/2014 10:14

alpha. Call the police.
For one thing, legally, he can't stop paying child support because you have reported him. (Unless he goes to Jail, which would be no bad thing), and secondly, if you don't start reporting these incidents, there is a greater and greater chance it will escalate and you will wind up dead. Then your dc are really stuffed.
Pick up the phone love.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 03/01/2014 10:17

You can do this Fairy. You are doing for your DS really, not you. And far easier to break away now, while ds is still a baby.
Don't look back, just (metaphorically) put one foot in front on the other and fake it til you make it, as they say.

RenterNomad · 03/01/2014 10:22

Fairy and alphacourse, bring the police in and you will get the help and acknowledgement you are longing for. A police record is your shout against all the insults and blows. Do you want to be silent and still against all the verbal and physical humiliation, or do you want to shout back and barricade yourselves?

alphacourse · 03/01/2014 13:40

I want to move on quietly without any more drama.

RenterNomad · 03/01/2014 15:22

alphacourse, isn't it better to get other people to protect you from drama? Sad
unMNetty ((hug))

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2014 15:43

You are doing so very well.
Stay strong, you've come so far.
You know you can do this.
For your DC and for yourself.
Can you get some real life support quickly?
Keep going - we are all behind you.
Keep posting here for support.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 03/01/2014 18:36

Having another bad time here - another bad bedtime. I'm having to get my friend to do it for me because I physically can't cope.

I found a house today and it all seems disgustingly real now.

I just want him back so badly

OP posts:
Curioustiger · 03/01/2014 18:49

Come on fairy, you can do it. Next time how about doing bedtime with your friend? That would be a step forward, on top of all the brilliant steps you've taken recently.

nobeer · 03/01/2014 18:52

Fairy, I've read some of your other threads. You're a strong woman, you might not feel like it at the moment BUT YOU ARE. You've got a lot of people on here holding your hand, and we'll hold your hand at bedtime too.

Chippednailvarnish · 03/01/2014 18:56

You don't want him back, you don't want your children growing up thinking that threats and violence are normal. You don't want to live in fear, you don't want your children damaged by the memory of Daddy strangling Mummy.

Your fear is of the unknown and there is nothing wrong with that. Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself.

ohfourfoxache · 03/01/2014 18:59

Fairy you can do this. You are strong. You are a fabulous mum. You are a fabulous person (yep, I've lurked for a long time, I know you are) - you have a big heart and care massively for others.

Now is the time to care for yourself and your beautiful son.

You know what you need to do. But you need to think enough of yourself to be able to do it x

D0G · 03/01/2014 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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