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Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
worsestershiresauce · 29/10/2013 22:09

You let him go. I'm serious. You've been together no time at all and already he's cooled, which is a pretty clear indication you aren't his 'one'. It might be a bitter pill to swallow but the very best thing you can do for yourself is walk away.

SatinSandals · 29/10/2013 22:11

You won't like my answer, I would finish it.

comedycentral · 29/10/2013 22:17

I think it's time to call it a day. I think to him she will be 'The one that got away'

ALittleStranger · 29/10/2013 22:18

Another vote for end it I'm afraid OP.

This is a new relationship, he's already cooled, you already feeling like you're trying to make him commit (and bear in mind that often for a 40 year old man the attraction of a 29 year old is they can stall commitment a bit longer). None of these are good signs in themselves, but now this woman is in the picture and I would be amazed if he wasn't interested in her: he's had feelings for her before and now he's actively excluding you from social events. In a new relationship with no kids there is no point in trying to win over someone with one foot out the door.

onlypassing · 29/10/2013 22:18

To me, this is very sad for you. Although I'm a man (intruding, sorry!) I can almost feel your terrible disappointment, shock and sense of having been let down at this.
It must be a bad sign when you have been trying to get him to commit. If a man is really in love he surely wants to live with the woman. You shouldn't have been having to try to get him to marry you! So that was a warning about him that you maybe ignored.
I feel there is nothing anyone can do in this situation. You can't force him to ignore this woman and devote himself to you. Honestly, I can only say I'm sorry.
But it might turn out to be far better for you in the end although you don't think so right now. You might meet someone nearer your own age, which in my opinion, is far more suitable really. You're still so young at 29! Whereas he's already hit 40... Considering men usually die younger that not all that great, is it? I wish you the best of luck for the future. Sorry to be so pessimistic about your present problem.

intheduskwiththelightbehindher · 29/10/2013 22:18

Walk away now. I know you think he's 'the one', but if his feelings have cooled so soon, he really isn't. Don't waste any more emotional energy.

Lweji · 29/10/2013 22:20

Yes, walk away.

That you have been trying to get him to commit is your first indication that he doesn't want to.

I suspect you like the idea of him, but the reality seems different.

IAmNotAMindReader · 29/10/2013 22:24

Walk away. This other woman was already in your relationship like a spectre but you didn't know it. Now she is free he is pursuing her. Sorry but he feels she is his "one" not you.

Let him go and move on to someone who does want to be with you and isn't using you as a stop gap or crutch to get over someone else/bide their time with until they are free.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/10/2013 22:24

It's never nice to realise this, but this man is Not That Into You and there is nothing you can do to change his mind. Dump him, but with calm dignity, and move on. There is nothing more pointless, exhausting and utterly bad for a person than trying to make someone love you when s/he clearly doesn't.

newforest · 29/10/2013 22:28

Go, and take your dignity with you. Don't let him mess you around and god, don't beg him to stay. If your sex life has cooled just short of twelve months it will just get worse.

loopyloulu · 29/10/2013 22:37

So sorry :(
Can only agree with the other posts.

Most men IME won't admit to another love interest- too cowardly or want to keep their options open as long as possible.

He's interested in her and it's only a matter of time.

It's your choice whether you jump or wait till you are pushed- but one or the other is inevitable. You are worth more.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 22:38

Thanks for the responses. See, this is what people keep saying. Plus I posted on another forum and got the response that he's a player and so on. There are a few things bothering me and why I can't just end it!

I have never been with anyone like him before. The men I was seeing before were all my age and it wasn't good. I was in love before with someone my age and I felt more like his mother than partner. I had to constantly push him, try to get him to figure out what he wanted. It was exhausting.

Then I met this man and he made me feel like a woman, not a babysitter. He knows what he wants from life, has a great education and career, has life experience. He isn't particularly physically attractive but is really charming and intelligent. I know that I want to be with him and I don't want to give up without a fight.

The problem is that I don't know where to start. I don't even know what's really going on between them. I don't know this woman. All I know is that she is 35, divorced and beautiful (facebook picture).

I want to know if he is really in love with her....

OP posts:
damejudydench · 29/10/2013 22:38

No question about it - let him go.

You're 29 and if you want to get married and have children you need to get on with it. I wouldn't waste any time on this guy I'm afraid. The right man for you will want you and only you. He won't be sniffing about after someone else.

Stay strong and very best of luck.

loopyloulu · 29/10/2013 22:40

You don't need to know if he is in love with her- only if he is in love with you.

Walk away- and if he follows that's your answer. Tell him you sense he has cooled and you need some space to consider your position. If he sighs with relief ( metaphorically ) then you know you were right. If he chases you to the ends of the earth then that's your answer.

ALittleStranger · 29/10/2013 22:40

So if the attraction is his age, start dating other men who are older than you. It doesn't really sound like it's him per se, more someone who is sorted and mature. Although is he really?

"Fighting" is just not worth it. As soon as you think you have to start fighting you are losing.

LunaticFringe · 29/10/2013 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

damejudydench · 29/10/2013 22:45

Please trust your instincts. You've got a hunch that something isn't right. If you read through these threads you'll see the same pattern. Women are good at knowing that something isn't right.

I wasted far too long on a man who was slightly older and strung me along. I don't have children as a result. Please don't make the same mistake as me.

Someone out there will tick the same boxes as your present partner and more. You will also know where you stand because there won't be three of you in the relationship.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 22:46

I don't understand it, though. How can you keep feelings alive for that long? He's hardly seen her in years, she wasn't interested before and yet she waltzes into town and he goes running to her?

Besides, I don't see what he gets out of being in a relationship with her. She has to be going through a lot with her divorce and all....it's not as if it's going to be an easy ride and he has to know that!

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 29/10/2013 22:50

Sometimes it's easiest to keep feelings alive if they're never actually put into action. And of course they ebb and flow, often reactivated if the object of your affection suddenly becomes single.

What do you know about his relationship history? Why is he still single? Commitment phobe, serial monogamist, unlucky, or held a torch for this woman?

For god's sake don't try and rationalise with him that she's not going to be worth the hassle.

onlypassing · 29/10/2013 22:53

If she's as beautiful as you say she is it'll likely be that. Sexual attraction overrides everything no matter what the obstacles are. Don't expect men to be logical when it comes to sex! If he's not even all that attractive himself he'll want a physically beautiful woman all the more, I think. It's flattering for his ego to be seen with someone out of his league. Male pride!

LunaticFringe · 29/10/2013 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hmc · 29/10/2013 22:56

Artslady - you're not listening! You love him and I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling, but for those of us who are not emotionally invested and are therefore dispassionate and objective, its as plain as the nose on your face - he does not feel the same way as you do ! Move on - you shouldn't be with anyone who doesn't love the very bones of you

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 22:58

Okay here's the deal. I know about his relationship history and there doesn't appear to be a real pattern that would cause me to think he has a problem. I think the main reason he hasn't settled is because his life has been changing a lot. He is originally from Europe, came here to do his PhD in financial math, invested in the stock market and made a lot of money. After that he traveled around and then came back to the states and got a job teaching at a university. So, he has moved around different countries. I know that he was in relationships before, both short and long. Never lived with anyone though.

As for the physical attraction....you have a point. BUT I wouldn't say that I'm ugly myself. I'm being realistic here, sorry if it comes off as vain. I put a great deal of effort into my appearance. Plus I'm younger than her! The thing is that we are so different physically, it's hard to figure out what his type is. I'm Asian so black hair, tan skin etc....she, on the other hand, is blonde, blue eyed...totally different!

She is also from Europe like him....although not from his country but from the same general area, so there could be cultural factors involved too.

OP posts:
fieldfare · 29/10/2013 22:59

You don't need to understand it. Just understand that his attention is no longer in this relationship with you. He's moved on. You need to do the same.

hmc · 29/10/2013 22:59

Oh dear God - he doesn't love you!!!