Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

I can't read through all the posts but the early ones have hit the nail on the head. He doesn't love love you enough.

I'm really sorry. That's just the way it is. Please just move on with your life.

Artsy please stop trying to work out why this didn't work.
I doubt it had nothing to do with sex after 2 dates, or 20 dates.
I'm really sorry you are hurt but please- stop comparing yourself with this woman and trying to analyse if you had done X instead of Y he might have stayed with you.

He didn't end it because of lack of 'respect'.
You ended it because he didn't love you and you wanted more commitment.

I'm a bit worried that you still don't seem to understand that initial attraction, chemistry and commitment are something that aren't logical- they are emotions- and you are still trying to find reasons why it didn't work.

I don't actually think that taking things slower would have made any difference. A decent man will respect you whenever you have sex. And I don't think he would have committed to you even if the OW had never divorced. He may not commit to her either.

Some guys, including very nice, highly intelligent guys, divide gfs into 'women' who are great for now, and 'gfs' who are long term/marriage material. It's nothing to do with any kind of particular quality, it's just a question of what they're looking for.

It seemed likely from early on in the thread that you were in the 'women' box, from the lack of 'I love yous' and talk of commitment. You can't shift boxes by when you choose to have sex. (Unless the buy has some weird madonna/whore complex that you're going to want to deal with any way). My issue with guys who do that is that would be ok if they were honest with their gf about which box they were in. Although of course if they were, the gf would bugger off...

I would take from this that it's good to take as much time as you need to suss out exactly who a guy is, and how sincere his interest is in you. Does he want the same things as you? Does he want to commit?

I used to be impulsive in relationships when I was younger, but I learnt not to invest in a relationship until I'd taken time to get to know someone thoroughly, know exactly what I was getting involved in, & what I wanted.

Holding off from sex can clarify guy's interest to a certain extent, but obviously it's not going to put all players off (some love a challenge). It can help you clarify what you feel though, without the heady rush of full sexual involvement.

But there's no point holding back sexually if you're rushing in emotionally anyway, you kind of need to harness them both.

^^(Unless the guy has some weird madonna/whore complex that you're not going to want to deal with any way)

Okay, here's the reason I got to thinking about this....

The other day I went out to a bar with a bunch of friends (in the middle of the week, yes ahaha) and there was a guy in the group who was friends with my friends, but I had never met before. Anyway, after a bunch of drinks the two of us ended up making out. Things got really heated, but nothing happened. I gave him my number and he's been texting me ever since, asking me to meet up and stuff. I'm 99.99% sure that meeting him would lead to sex and nothing else. I really want to do it, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. I know I said that I'm fine with casual sex...and I am, but I feel like right now I'm just happy to get attention from anyone because of the breakup and that I might feel like shit after, especially if I am right and all this guy wants is sex.

no, I wouldn't do it right now. Wait and see how you feel in a couple of weeks, I'm sure he would still be happy to hear from you later on, if he's worth it at all ( even if for sex).

The point is you VALIDATE yourself through sex, because you know you aer good at it and that guys aer easily attarcted so you feel powerful. BUT you actually really want love and that's why the break up hit your so hard. By validating yourself through sex right now will make you feel worse as you should really be learning how to love yourself not just for your looks/sexual power.

IMO it would be disastrous for you.
The likelihood is all he wants is sex. I don't understand what you mean by 'making out' ( I thought that meant sex) but if you mean you picked a guy up and it led to a heavy snogging session and now he's texting you all the time then I'd say it was pretty clear he was after sex.
There is NO WAY you are ready to have your head messed with again days after breaking it off with the other man. it's not going to do your self worth any good at all to get into a wham, bang, thank you ma'am scenario - is it? Are you so desperate for attention that you want to go down that road? Have some self respect.

Aw that's a bit of a harsh word - the d word

I don't think you're desperate , just hurt. You've said yourself that you are hesitating because you're not sure you can take it at the moment. I agree with you.

You're fragile and sore, is all (imo)

The point is you VALIDATE yourself through sex, because you know you aer good at it and that guys aer easily attarcted so you feel powerful. BUT you actually really want love and that's why the break up hit your so hard. By validating yourself through sex right now will make you feel worse as you should really be learning how to love yourself not just for your looks/sexual power.

wow....I don't think I could have described it so well, but this is pretty much exactly how I feel!

But I agree with everyone, it would be a dumb thing to do right now

I'm glad, OP, if this is giving you some insight, I was the same in the past! REally it's best to be single for a while and focus on work/hobbies/friends and just be friends with men too. It's not an easy process, to start really valuing your own personality and achievements, if you lack that inner confidence. Maybe read some books on the subject.

Try not to focus on appearing very confident when you are not (as you said you were doing), best to show a little vulnerability/humble side. It's worth working on it and it will happen - I'm not talking years btw .
If a guy likes you as a person, he will stick around, just don't try to impress him with some sort of 'perfect' version of you, or show how much you can do for him.

The lesson about this OW is very much that - she didn't hook him with sex, did she - I'm sure she was just herself with all her faults and didn't even see him in romantic sense.

Nothing wrong with casual sex meanwhile (but not right now!) if you choose the right guys for that.

I think the OP needs to reassess if she IS ok with casual sex. She says she is, but her emotions over this guy show otherwise.

If casual sex is a means of an ego boost and some kind of power trip- 'I can get laid so therefore I'm a nice, valued, whatever...person- it's recipe for hurt.

I am okay with it, but it depends on the situation. When I'm feeling normal, I can be completely fine and not get emotionally attached. When I'm feeling crap like I am now, it probably makes things worse.

I'm not going to do it, I even messaged the guy telling him that I like him but it's just a bad time for me and he was really understanding, so it's all good

Loupy, why did you feel the need to refer to the OP in the 3rd person? Very jarring, particularly as OP is actually very present on this thread and there is no need. Were you appealling to the 'wider community'? Very shaming approach you seem to be taking here.

I got all my things back from him!!!!!
At least there's one less thing to worry about!

Oh so sorry springy I didn't know you had been promoted to moderator and had a say on how I or what I posted.

If you think there is any 'shaming' it says more about your feelings on this than any comments I throw in.

yeah, my stuff, obvs

How did you get your stuff back Artsy?

I emailed him everything I needed and friend went again to pick it up!! I guess this time he was prepared and gave her all the stuff I asked for

Well done Artsy. You are doing brilliantly!

Awww thank you, but I'm not doing so well today!!
I was really happy when I got my stuff back, finally a small victory...when today I was greeted by facebook full of pictures of that party he told me he was too busy for us to attend. Obviously a lie....and it's not just that, I removed him, but didn't remove all his friends that is why the pictures came up.

It looked like a dinner party type thing and...of course...they were sitting next to each other. Tons of pics of them, and her. She looks really gorgeous!! Before, I couldn't see that many photos of her, but in this album there were a lot and she is beautiful, thin, dressed really nicely...

uuuuugggghhh as if my self esteem wasn't bruised enough!!

Aw you poor thing, seeing that

Like you said, you don't need it eh.

But it confirms one thing: he is a liar. He is a liar. There, had to be said twice. You have dumped a liar. He woz dumped.

Well done, you dumped him - confirmation you did the right thing is right there.

Don't laugh, I don't know much about FB - can you 'hide' his mates' photos so they don't pop up unawares? Just until you get steady.

It's bound to be a blip seeing those photos. Promise you won't feast on the photos of her, yeah? It'll come to no good, make you feel shite - and there's absolutely no point in that.

Onward and upward: you have work to do. That is, finding out how gorgeous you are

I just read on another thread - a woman who physically imagines sweeping horrible thoughts away.

Get that broom!

Ughh too late...I feasted on her photos!!!! I'm going to remove all this friends, though. No point keeping in touch with them anymore, it's not as if any of them really liked me that much.

No, they were okay....they were really nice and welcoming but I just never felt that I fit in. I thought that it might be because I was younger or in a different profession/less educated than they all are..

But then I look at OW and she seems to fit right in!! From what I've heard she used to work with some of them so probably knows them better than I do, but she just had some admin type job...I don't think she even went to college (not to judge people who don't go to college, but that just means it wasn't education that was the problem).

I hate both of them so much!!!

Artsylady, I've been jealous of tall, handsome men all my life. I've hated being who I am, which is simply not tall and handsome. Never a day passes but I'm reminded of it in some way, especially the height thing. Women love tall men!
Needless to say, it has got me nowhere but I've never been able to forget that I'm just not one of these lucky men. So, at 5' 4.5", learning to' love myself' has always been nothing more than a bad and stupid joke to me. Why would I, for goodness sake?

But you're in an entirely different place!! You're a very desirable and attractive woman. You have absolutely no need to be envious of that woman. It sounds as if you're probably a far more interesting and better educated person too since you're an artist. Working 'in admin' doesn't quite match up in my book. I'd far rather have the company of artistic people any day!
He didn't really deserve someone as lovely as you are. For your own mental health you need to immerse yourself in your work now and move on with your life. And I'm still convinced, as I was at the beginning, that he'll probably never marry her either. In the end far too selfish to share his life with anyone and get legally tied to her. A step too far for a man like him!

onlypassing, there are plenty of not-tall men that women find unbelievably attractive. I'm not shitting you here.

ok artsy, you've done the feasting so she's burned into your psyche but don't consolidate by looking at her again. Delete, delete, delete. It is very tempting to go back and feast on the car crash, but please DON'T.

Well the only thing that I found comforting is that they don't appear to be a couple yet, maybe she will still reject him!!