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Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Katnisscupcake · 30/10/2013 10:04

Artsylady, please listen to the others.

I went out with a guy when I was 23. I was totally totally smitten. He dumped me and went back to his ExGF.

I held a torch for him for 7 years but had NO CONTACT with him at all, no text, no conversation and didn't see him. I moved to the other side of the Country.

I was then attending my BF's wedding and he was there, with a different GF. We said hello but nothing more (I knew his then-current GF from school and didn't get on) as I didn't want to make waves and besides, he didn't care about me (or so I thought). I since found out that he'd left his ExGF from years ago with a month but didn't contact me because he didn't want to mess me around again.

6 months after seeing me at the wedding he took the plunge and got my email address from my BF and emailed me to say that he'd split with his GF and wanted to be friends. Another 6 months later I'd moved back to my home-town (where he still lived) and moved in with him. We have now been married for 5 years (together for 9) and have a 4yo DD.

In the 7 years that I had no contact with him, my relationships (mostly brief but some in excess of 1 year) were rubbish, they just didn't feel right. I couldn't commit.

So what I'm saying is that even though they had no contact, if he really cared about her it would explain why he hasn't committed to you or anyone else. And unfortunately if they are both now single and she realises what she could have had, they will likely get together.

I'm sorry if this is hurtful to you, but I think you should bear in mind that if someone has found their 'one', time isn't necessarily a barrier to their 'happy ever after'.

OnemorevoiceforAF · 30/10/2013 10:04

I would drop him. Also, maybe he is a serial mover- on with women, and hence still unmarried?

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 30/10/2013 10:06

He LOVES her.

He doesn't love you.

There is nothing you can do to win this competition.

TheGonnagle · 30/10/2013 10:08

It sounds like he has moved on but is just waiting for her to catch up. He's already placed himself in line as her go to man, and when she recovers from the emotional fall out of her divorce he will welcome her with open arms.
I really do think you're being strung along here. I'm so sorry.
You know you're worth more than this. If you find being with an older man far more rewarding than one your own age then there's nothing to stop you going out and meeting someone older than yourself and ready to commit, instead of a man who is keeping you around for sex and convenience whilst he waits for the ow.
Get shut, he's a player and an arse.

Dollybird86 · 30/10/2013 10:10

Walk away now! No good can come of this and fwtw you can never lose a man to another woman he made a choice. There is generally a reason why men like him are still single at 40!

FriendlyLadybird · 30/10/2013 10:15

ArtsyLady -- I suggest you do what I did many years ago, when I got the sense that my then-boyfriend was losing interest. I gave myself two weeks to 'practise' being without him. I didn't say anything to him or have any showdowns: I simply arranged other things to do every night of the week, didn't call him, and when he called me I was polite but unavailable.

As it happens, he didn't last a week before he was round at my flat with a box of warm sausage rolls (don't ask) to spend a few minutes with me before I went out.

He probably wasn't losing interest and at any rate we've been happily married now for getting on for 15 years -- but if he hadn't come 'back' I would have known that he wasn't that into me. And I would also have known that I would get by, because I'd already been getting by.

comingintomyown · 30/10/2013 10:27

The fact he went out for dinner to the mutual friends with her is where the answer lies.

He did not take you he took her and furthermore did not tell you

SolidGoldBrass · 30/10/2013 10:31

Has this man ever actually told you that he loves you and wants an exclusive relationship with you? Or are you so desperate to 'own' him that you hae simply assumed you are his partner rather than a woman whose company he enjoys and who he sometimes has sex with?

If he has never made you any promises then you are being even more unreasonable. He is not a possession. He doesn't owe you anything and your choices boil down to walking away NOW with some dignity, or being not just dumped but becoming an object of pity and contempt - because I have a feeling you're not going to go quietly when he does dump you to marry the woman he loves.

gamerchick · 30/10/2013 10:31

If you're at the point of checking his shizzle your relationship is over anyway.

If she was fat and unattractive you wouldn't have an issue? Is shit like that important when your dudes spends a lot if time with somebody and has emotionally checked out of his relationship with you Hmm ?

FolkGirl · 30/10/2013 10:32

I think it's time to just accept that it's over and walk away with your dignity intact.

meddie · 30/10/2013 10:41

Nothing may have happened yet and she may just be grateful to have an old friend helping and distracting her during her divorce. But I dont think thats his agenda at all. If he has harboured feelings for her maybe he is now hoping she is free to reciprocate and is making himself available.
There is nothing you can do except walk away with some dignity
Either they will get together or not. She may have him friend zoned and not want a relationship with him. But one things certain, his thoughts are not with you, as harsh as that sounds

onlypassing · 30/10/2013 10:59

A man of 40, unless he's terribly ugly or whatever, who is successful and intelligent and with lots of money has chosen to stay unmarried because he values his freedom above all else, in my opinion. I don't think he'll want to marry either of you, OP. Why should he bother? He gets sex anyway, possibly from two women at the moment. No commitment is just fine! He probably doesn't do 'falling in love' these days.... not at his age now.
Total freedom to do what the hell you like when you like is just great to a man like that. He has no obligation to anyone and wants to keep it that way, and all his money to himself.
I think you've met a very intelligent, but slippery customer! Probably just not the marrying kind.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/10/2013 11:08

Not necessarily, onlypassing - dbil is in his mid forties, is a lovely man, nice to look at, qualified lawyer (though not working as one at the moment), and is not married yet - because he has had a couple of long-term relationships with women who turned out not to be The One, and other circumstances have just got in the way. He will make someone a wonderful husband, one day.

Vivacia · 30/10/2013 11:20

I feel like I'm going to get yelled at, but this is exactly what I did haha

Why do you think people would disapprove of you secretly checking his phone?

FriendlyLadyBird I think that's the best suggestion yet.

rainbowfeet · 30/10/2013 11:29

I think you're sounding a bit shallow about the looks & age side of it, I learnt with my story it isn't always about looks & dress size.
The woman my ex is now with is older than me, much larger (I'm no skinny min) & in my opinion not too attractive (think Nessa in Gavin & Stacey)! Wink But he obviously thinks she's lovely. Hmm But I am glad she's not slim & gorgeous it would have knocked me back months.

beaglesaresweet · 30/10/2013 11:42

onlypassing, I bet anything you like that he's more than happy to commit to this woman, who he had feelings for for years, and now is at her beck and call. I agree with the poster who said that he's been in love with her for years and that's the reason he hasn't commited to anyomne else - but look at him now, he's running around and supporting her in everything. And I bet he does NOT have sex with her, otherwise he'd finish with the Op by now, it's obvious from the woman's emails that she sees him as a friend so far. But he's hoping. Your posts are very black and white tbh.
OP, I think he's emotional and in love, as others do, but he's very unsure whether she will want him as a partner/boyfriend, so he's waiting and it must be nerve-wrecking for him, so is keeping you as something familiar and comforting, especially in case it never works out with that woman. But you really need to end it, as he's just not commited to you - even if she turns him down eventually, he will not suddenly fall in love with you (or possibly anyone else). If you walk away, there is a timy chance he will chase you - but only after she turns him down for good, so you shouldn't sit and wait, just see who else you can meet, you may be pleasantly surprised after all this stress!

fromparistoberlin · 30/10/2013 11:50

i feel for you, but it looks like he is really into this woman, has been for years. This WILL end in tears

question is if you dump him before he dumps you?

so sorry, but not one person has posted otherwise

and he is not the "one", but someone else will be OP

xxx

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/10/2013 11:51

ArstyLady - you have checked his phone - that, to me, says that you don't trust him - this is not a good sign, is it?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/10/2013 12:01

Ooops - ArtsyLady, not ArstyLady. Blush

50shadesofmeh · 30/10/2013 12:03

Sounds like he is already gone. Keep your dignity and walk away.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 30/10/2013 12:03

:o ArstyLady

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/10/2013 12:09
Blush
onlypassing · 30/10/2013 12:18

Just you pay her back by rearranging the first 3 letters of her name... Grin

halfwildlingwoman · 30/10/2013 16:36

What's that old adage? If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they're yours.
Be cool. Do your own thing, be happy in yourself and let him go. He might miss you, he might not, but you will have your pride. True love should be mutual.

nosleeptillbedtime · 30/10/2013 16:45

My sister in law just married a man who had been in love with her for many years whilst both of them were with other people. He pursued her for a long time once he was divorced and she was not free. He adores her. People can keep unrequited love going a long long time. It does sound like he is pursuing a long term game with OW.