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Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/10/2013 00:01

My guess is he's working on starting a relationship with her. As soon as he does he'll drop you like a hot stone, if he doesn't cheat with both.

She may not care about him as he'd want, but then you become the consolation prize, if or when he gives up.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 30/10/2013 00:15

Thanks so much to everyone for the advice. Don't worry about being harsh, I came here for some real advice and I got it. I'll just have to think this through and process it a bit...I'll keep you guys updated haha

OP posts:
BigPawsBrown · 30/10/2013 00:24

Not sure if I have got the wrong end of the stick here but all that has happened is he didn't invite the OP to an outing the OW was at. You don't know what happened and why he didn't want the OP there. He hasn't said he doesn't love the OP or tried to leave and there is little evidence he's been unfaithful.

I do think its likely he has feelings for the OW but as he doesn't seem to have cheated I wouldn't jump the gun and leave him.

noddingoff · 30/10/2013 00:24

I know it's probably dreadfully bad form to go on one internet forum to recommend another, but it's worth having a look at baggagereclaim.co.uk
Mods - delete if not allowed under the rules and I will consider myself wrist-slapped.
What everyone else said - he is keeping his options open - don't be somebody's option/consolation prize. Cheryl Cole wanted to "fight for this love" and look where that got her.

JustAnotherFucker · 30/10/2013 00:37

No mods here nodding. You can post links to other sites all you like.

see Smile

FolkGirl · 30/10/2013 04:54

Sadly, I think Lweji is absolutely spot on.

Squeegle · 30/10/2013 07:18

Artsy, you sound like a lovely girl. But.... You came here here to get advice. Please realise that all these people are talking with wisdom.

And I would echo it with the experience of my 47 (eek) years. If someone is into you, you don't need to give ultimatums. When you get into that kind of territory after such a short time you're on a hiding to nothing. Honest.

Please take the advice and find someone else who will value you. Sometimes it feels like they're the only one. But there are literally MILLIONS of men. And I'm sure there will be another. Really.

ajandjjmum · 30/10/2013 07:41

Why not set him free with good grace to find out what he wants from this other woman. He may then just realise what he's missing with you, and come back with a different perspective on your relationship.

You can't push him into committing to you.

Sorry things are so complicated for you at the moment.

Branleuse · 30/10/2013 07:47

hes been a good experience in showing you that youre a woman and a person and not a babysitter etc, but that doesnt make it right. I would leave him now, and keep your dignity

Lazyjaney · 30/10/2013 07:52

Lweji probably also right that he's lining up a new lurve. He may be looking to jump ship or have 2 on the go, who knows.

That you feel you need to give ultimatums sounds like you want different things anyway,

jonicomelately · 30/10/2013 08:10

He's 40 and never been married. You want to try to get him to commit. He won't because that isn't what he wants. What he actually wants is a beautiful 29 year old at his beck and call and dates with an attractive old flame when it suits him. He may be attractive and charismatic but he is unreliable. If you've been together for a year and you're uncertain about his feelings towards you, seriously forget it. You 'love' him but he really doesn't love you back. If he did he would make you feel happy and secure and make every effort to avoid you feeling worried about this other woman because this is how men who love their partners act.

loopyloulu · 30/10/2013 08:15

Are you a bit of a control freak or someone who is used to getting their own way?

You see, you seem a bit slow to accept- from all the posts here- that sometimes you can't have what you want.

You are behaving along the lines of 'I want this so much and all I have to do is push, hang on in, give ultimatums,and I'll get it...'

Emotions don't work like that.

You come over as slightly naive in the way you try to score points about which woman is the prettiest etc-it's got nothing to do with looks. If he's smitten he's smitten-even if she's the ugliest woman in the universe.

What I don't agree with is that an unmarried man of 40 must have 'issues' around why he is single and be a bad bet. I dated an older man ( 12 year age gap) for years- we split- but he remained single till he was 50. He's now been married for ages and presumably happily from what I can gather.

There is also a bit of a double standard thing going on here on MN- there's a supportive thread currently for a woman who is 35+ and still single but when a man of 40 is single it's implied he must have something wrong with him .

Vivacia · 30/10/2013 08:17

Advice you wanted Tell him he can't see this woman ever, ever again. Then check his phone and emails regularly to confirm he has done what you've told him to do. Hold on to him tight and don't let this other woman steal him from you. Go girlfriend.

Advice you got Let him go and see what he chooses. Maintain your dignity.

QuintsHollow · 30/10/2013 08:28

Any "love" that you need to fight for, is not love in the first place.

I dont think there is anything you can do, and it hurts when you love somebody and they dont love you back. Take care of yourself, and keep your dignity.

jonicomelately · 30/10/2013 08:33

I haven't said ALL 40 year old people who haven't been married have commitment issues, but I seriously think this one does!

Helpyourself · 30/10/2013 08:37

And don't for one moment regret this relationship. You've learnt that you value maturity in a partner and are a stronger woman for it! with a better shopping list
Grin and Flowers

jonicomelately · 30/10/2013 08:42

There's a story about Jonny Wilkinson in the newspaper this morning which is really interesting OP. He's just got married to his girlfriend of a few years. What struck me as possibly similar to your story is that he had another long-term girlfriend, a sports journalist who he broke up with saying he couldn't have a girlfriend distracting him from his rugby. Within weeks a cocktail waitress caught his eye. She went to live with him in France and now they're married.
Sometimes, there's no reason why things don't work out with a partner other than the fact they're not the one. You may be more beautiful, more clever than the woman he eventually marries but as others have said, love is not logical.
The reason why you're getting the same advice on here is because we've all been there and realised that whilst we're all conditioned to believe that we should get what we deserve in life you can't force another person's feelings.

scarevola · 30/10/2013 08:54

He doesn't need to have a problematic relationship history to have unfinished business with this person.

OP: you said that you didn't like the relationship with your previous (younger) BF because you felt you were having to mother him. It sounds like you're actually doing the same here - overanalysing, trying to 'fix' etc.

I'd back off a bit. Take stock of yourself and what role you actually want in a relationship. Not necessarily end it - if she's a 5 minute wonder popping up from the past, then his preoccupation (if indeed it is anything to do with her in the first pace) will be rapidly over. If he's been secretly carrying a candle for her for years, then there is nothing whatsoever you can do to change this.

Either way, the best (short term) thing you can do now is go out and do things you find fun with good friends. Be true to you. Don't mope around after someone. Keep living.

loopyloulu · 30/10/2013 08:56

Agreed.

But I don't think it's fair to say this man is a commitment-phobe. Some people are more cautious and given the divorce stats maybe that's not a bad thing- and the older you are, then maybe you are either more cautious or more reckless ( if you think it's a last chance scenario.)

The Johnny Wilkinson thing is interesting.

Years ago my now DH was slow, after dating for 3 years, to commit so I walked- and started dated other men. Within weeks he came back and proposed- that was 30 years ago.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/10/2013 09:33

Vivica and cerealqueen summed it up for me. Back off, cool things, and see if he fights to get you back. But please don't start issuing ultimatums - do you really want to have to force him to be with you (which is what an ultimatum does)?

You sound funny and intelligent, and you say you are beautiful too - you will find the right person, I promise. And look at it this way - if you hold onto this man, using ultimatums etc, and you do manage to get him to commit - you could be missing out on the man who is truly right for you. Because this man isn't. I am sorry, but everyone else on this thread is right. He is not The One.

Onebuddhaisnotenough · 30/10/2013 09:43

Give him his ultimatum. But don't be surprised with his response.

rainbowfeet · 30/10/2013 09:45

So sorry you are going through this, you must be hurting very much .... But... Take it from someone who fought for months for a 'man' to commit & love me as much as I loved him (& our ds) but he didn't & doesn't!! Hmm
He is now with someone else & fully committed so it wasn't a case of 'it's not you it's me'!
It hurts like hell because I was so sure I could make him happy but in the end I was just damaging myself & almost ended up broken by it... I moved 80 miles from him & now a few months on well on the road to recovery!! Smile
There is a naff saying ... If you love someone set them free.. & if they love you they won't fly anywhere!! Or something shitty like that but it makes sense to me! Thanks

Naebother · 30/10/2013 09:51

Dump him before he dumps you. Sorry.

BettyBotter · 30/10/2013 10:00

I'm glad MN is giving you some no nonsense advice. Please take it on board.

Just to say though, I think your 'mindset' is a bit wrong here. Illustrated by your thread title Losing my man to another women

For starters - he's not your man . He's making it quite clear through his lack of committment to you that he doesn't see himself as your man and is unlikely to change.

Next, the verb losing - This implies that it's you doing the losing here. There really isn't anything you can do to change this. It's him making the choice here. He is choosing to spend time elsewhere.

Third another woman - the term implies there is something sexual going on but frankly, who knows and what does it matter if it's a shagfest, an emotional affair or just a friendship? He's chosen to spend time with her not you. That should be a message loud and clear enough for you that he isn't worth your love. If this woman isn't another woman then sure enough another other woman will be.

What about reframing your thread title to
A man I like chooses to spend his time without me. He doesn't deserve me.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 30/10/2013 10:00

@vivacia "Then check his phone and emails regularly to confirm he has done what you've told him to do."

I feel like I'm going to get yelled at, but this is exactly what I did haha

I've been at his place and when he fell asleep I took a look through his phone. I should point out that I know his pin but I don't think he knows this, so I don't think he would bother deleting messages or emails.

Anyway, it's not as bad as I imagined, I expected to find really sordid sexual messages, but there was nothing of the sort. It was more like plans to meet, like when, where, etc.

What I found out is that they have been seeing each other A LOT. It seems like they go out for dinner, that kind of thing, but that he also does stuff for her, like drives her to places, helps with things she needs.

In one recent email that kind of upset me, she was basically thanking him for everything. She said something along the lines that it's really wonderful to reconnect with an old friend during this difficult time (her divorce) and that she is really grateful for all his help.

I should be relieved that it's nothing more juicy but I don't! Don't get me wrong, I'm not a horrible person...it's nice of him to help a friend...but it would be different if his friend was a 60 year old obese lady who truly needed his help....and it's a completely different thing when it's an attractive woman, younger than him, who he has had feelings for, and doesn't really need anything besides help running errands.

I guess I'm mad at the attention he's giving her. From their emails and stuff I get the impression that this whole thing is more emotional, which is even more upsetting.

:(

OP posts: