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Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 30/10/2013 16:49

Why would you want to be treated as second best by any man?

littlemslazybones · 30/10/2013 16:49

It doesn't matter about the rationale around his interest in this woman, about whether his investment is physical or emotional or if she is attractive or not. You don't need to know the details of all of the moving parts in this situation.

It's enough to know that your relationship has cooled and you don't find it satisfying as a result. Just walk away. It was just 12 months of your life.

humphryscorner · 30/10/2013 16:53

He is already gone. He is just waiting for the green light off her as she probably only needs a shoulder to cry on at the moment.

You intuition is telling you something is wrong. Listen to it.

Get out now and save your dignity.

Vivacia · 30/10/2013 17:45

Why would you want to be treated as second best by any man?

She doesn't Katie. She's wants to be his first and only choice.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/10/2013 17:46

But she's not.

itsmeisntit · 30/10/2013 18:25

OP you will do for now until the OW is ready to start a relationship with your P-then he will be gone and wont look back. You are his second choice -his fall back option.
please please maintain some dignity and self respect--walk away now before you are dumped

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 30/10/2013 19:32

AH I hear what you're all saying, I really do...but I just can't break up with him. See, I was with him last night and this morning at his place. I sat and thought about this and the thought of not being there, with him, ever again is just so...Sad

There has to be a way to win him back!! I have just been thinking non-stop about this woman, what she's like, what could possibly be so special about her.

I'm going to meet up with my "source" later on, the woman who told me about her in the first place. I don't know what she'll tell me, but I just want to know what she's like, why she's divorced, why she doesn't have children....I just need a picture of who she is so I can figure out a way to compete!

OP posts:
Tuppenceinred · 30/10/2013 19:37

You're not living in a Mills and Boon story. You can't "win him back". If he's interested in someone else then that's how it is. Have some self-respect and let him go (if he was a decent person he wouldn't be keeping you as a fall-back in the first place, he'd have split up with you).
Talking about your "source" and finding all about this woman so that you can compete is pretty ridiculous to be honest.

But I don't know, you won't listen to anyone here because you're obsessed and think you know better. So I guess you'll do what you want in the end.

Tuppenceinred · 30/10/2013 19:38

P.s. That "I hear what you're saying" phrase... what it means I suppose is "I hear what you're saying but really it's just background noise, I'm not actually listening to what you're saying".

MooncupGoddess · 30/10/2013 19:40

Trying to 'compete' will reduce his interest in you even further... and you'll lose respect for yourself, if not at the time then certainly when you look back on it.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/10/2013 19:43

Please don't make a tit of yourself. It only adds to the angst after he dumps you for her Hmm

HissyFucker · 30/10/2013 19:46

Where the fuck is your self esteem woman?

You think being intimate is a measure of his "love" for you? No, it just means he's fucked you.

Sorry, but that's all it is for him. You are thé girl he shags, but not the one he'll commit to.

If you can find a shred of dignity and self esteem, you'd be the one (at 29, the world at your feet) telling a 40yo perma-batchelor who hasn't been successful in securing a family for good reason that he's history and you're worth better.

At your age, your currency is WAY more valuable than hers, or his.

You might have your sights set so low as to think he's the one, but my love, he really doesn't think anything of you. You're just convenience.

This is a very short relationship, cut your losses, and find a better man, one that adores you, so you can have the chance of a happy life, with children perhaps.

This guy won't give you any of that.

Trust us, we've seen/been through similar to this time and time again, it never changes.

I'm sorry, but you have to end it. I say that, but tbh, it's already over. He's not there for you and never will be.

Put your feelings to one side, end it, and we'll be here for you, 24 hours a day to help you pick up the pieces.

toffeesponge · 30/10/2013 19:48

OP you really need to self esteem. It is really crap to love someone who doesn't want you, I have been there and I know, but you can't make him love you but carry on and you will make him hate you (probably after he has used you some more.)

HissyFucker · 30/10/2013 19:49

Compete? Ffs love, can't you see that you're WAY better people than the pair of them put together, they can't compete with YOU!

Who taught you that you are worth so little? Is this you culture?

Please wake up and see how brilliant a person you are?

Lweji · 30/10/2013 19:54

Sigh.

Good luck.

I thin you will need loads.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 30/10/2013 19:55
Sad

You're right about the self esteem! I'm just so sick and tired of being treated like this!! I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Yes, okay I know I'm acting crazy now...but I'm not always like this. I'm just sick and tired of being used by men. Like I said, I've had other relationships, especially with one guy I really loved..I tried to make him grow up and it failed. I felt like he was using me, for support, sex, emotional intimacy....I did so much for him and he wouldn't change.

Then I met this guy and I thought things were great! He treated me so well, acted really sweet, he even took me on trips with him. Everything was going great until recently when he just suddenly started acting differently. What could have made him think so little of me? At least if I believe it's HER, then it's not me....

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 30/10/2013 20:02

This is what I don't understand....what makes one woman someone that men want to commit to and another someone they just screw with?
Like this woman...first she got her husband to marry her, now she has my bf running around after her. Why?

Yet, me.....I've always wanted to find the right man but I can't get anyone to make a real commitment to me...

OP posts:
SourSweets · 30/10/2013 20:03

You're letting them treat you this way. Don't.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/10/2013 20:05

It's an attitude. If your self esteem is all it should be, people are attracted to that.
If you set high standards, you weed out the losers in the early days so you have more time to meet Mr Fabulous.
And I truly believe respect is the key.
If he respects you he will value you. If you let him walk all over you, your value to him lessens as he will respect you less.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/10/2013 20:07

OP this reminds me of a situation I was in when still at school (yes at school!). I had a boyfriend, I was about 17 and he became interested in someone else. I tried to compete and win him back. It ended up with me and the other girl scoring points and eventually I 'won' him back ad we were together for a long time.

Eventually years later I realised I didn't love him and we broke up. I'm now happily married to my DP. What I should have done when he expressed interest in someone else was to tell him to sling his hook, which is what you should do.

You shouldn't have to compete with anyone. The fact that you are shows that he doesn't love you. I bet he loves that he has the attention of two women! Why do you want to be with someone who wants someone else?

Have some self respect and get rid of him before he either dumps you or it turns into a full blown affair. Or will you put up with that too?

I don't think you are really listening to what anyone is saying. I know this as you're just talking and talking without really responding. I guess it's easier.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 30/10/2013 20:09

This is what I don't get. How do you know when someone values you or when they don't?!

I thought this man DID value me. I don't see what I was doing wrong. This whole situation became apparent to me just recently, it's hit me like a train, which is why I'm struggling to cope with it. When he is with me, he acts like he values me. But then I see his emails and messages and I realize he's lying to me.

It seems like he really values her, though. I can't figure out the difference.

OP posts:
HissyFucker · 30/10/2013 20:12

Because you are showing them that you'll cling on and be there whatever, they know there are no conséquences if they do treat you poorly (they test you here and there but you don't notice)

If you don't value yourself, why should/would they?

Hold you head high, know your worth, and demand the best for yourself.

Many Asian cultures have women as an inconvenience, a burden and something to be less proud of.

Well without women there wouldn't be anything, let alone favoured sons!

My love, you are enough. You are good enough, you are better than good enough.

He's got baggage, he has history. You however have a future. He doesn't.

Get out now, today and scrape back some dignity.

PatriciaHolm · 30/10/2013 20:12

Sounds to me like you are coming over a bit desperate. You tried to change a previous boyfriend, and now you can't accept that your current one doesn't love you and isn't the One.
Many many people don't meet their future husband until their 30s, or later. It's not a race, or a competition, you shouldn't go into every relationship gunning to make it the One. Move on, take some time out from dating and work on your life independent of a relationship; it's no reflection on you that you aren't in a long term relationship! All this man will do is waste more years of your life.

HissyFucker · 30/10/2013 20:15

Don't you get it.. the ONLY person whose value of you counts, the only opinion, the only consideration that matters is yours.

You've valued yourself on the opinion of others. If you value yourself, others have to meet that value of you, or not.

End it, now, and spend some time with us, learning about how wonderful, strong and caring we women can be, see how awesomely brave, how mean and stubborn, and know that you are no different!

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/10/2013 20:15

He's showing you NOW he doesn't.
Someone who has healthy self-esteem would state their position and withdraw.
Someone who doesn't, will look to try and win the prize

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