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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 29/10/2013 23:04

Hmm Build a bridge...and get over it!

Casmama · 29/10/2013 23:04

How many different people need to tell you before you will believe- he doesn't think you are the one for him, you cannot change that, there is nothing to fight for here. Please maintain your dignity and end it.

If, by some chance, everyone is wrong, he'll fight for you. Please don't expect that.

Sorry.

hmc · 29/10/2013 23:06

I didn't mean to be so harsh - I'm sorry that it is the way it is too. I wish he felt the same way about you! I just don't like to see anyone deluding themselves in this way - it just means longer term hurt

onlypassing · 29/10/2013 23:07

Would it be more typical in Asian culture for a woman to persist in trying really hard to get a man she desires and not give up easily even though he has become interested in someone else?
In the West we tend to just give up fairly quickly because we know it's almost certainly a lost cause!
My sincere apologies if I've got the cultural aspect all wrong. I haven't a clue about this really. Only guessing.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 23:13

@onlypassing - I just said I was Asian to describe my appearance...but I was born and raised in NY state! haha...I'm as western as they come really

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 23:14

@hmc - it's ok, I appreciate you're just trying to help, no hard feelings!

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/10/2013 23:16

It really doesn't matter how young you are, or how beautiful you are.
He is more interested in her and it looks like he was never that interested in you, TBH.

onlypassing · 29/10/2013 23:17

Really sorry! Please don't be insulted by my stupid remarks.
But I do feel you're only going to get more hurt the more you try. It simply HAS to come from him. He must want you enough.

FolkGirl · 29/10/2013 23:18

Artsy you're trying to find explanations for something that isn't rational.

It doesn't matter that you're younger than her, or a different ethnicity to her, or that he hasn't seen her in in 2 years...

Whatever his feelings for this other woman are is largely irrelevant. It's how he feels about you that counts and he has cooled towards you and has made it clear he isn't interested in settling down with you.

That's all you need to know.

hmc · 29/10/2013 23:19

I do hope you are okay artslady - this stuff always hurts Sad

Sparklysilversequins · 29/10/2013 23:19

In this situation. I would simply cease all contact with him immediately. I read of someone on here who did that. She found out he cheated, moved out that day and never spoke to him or responded to a message from him ever again. It struck me as a remarkably dignified way to take control back. Years later he apparently was still asking mutual friends about her.

Junebugjr · 29/10/2013 23:21

Can you just sit him down and ask him straight out if he wants to end it. You won't have to do all this agonising then, you'll have your answer.
By the way, all this trying, finding, understanding him sounds exhausting and hard work.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 23:25

Well I have talked to him!! He claims that nothing is going on. It's not as if he's broken up with me. We've seen each other since that conversation, even been intimate..... but I'm not at ease with it either.

I want to give him an ultimatum...basically to demand that he stops seeing her. This is why I want to try and figure out what he actually feels, because I'm not sure what is going on. He isn't in a relationship with her. I don't know if he's sleeping with her, I have no idea what's going on. He says that he is just catching up with her because they are old friends, helping her settle in, bla bla bla...

OP posts:
damejudydench · 29/10/2013 23:27

ArtsyLady, I sounded like you.

I really wish I had Mumsnet back then. Lots of wisdom on here which I would be heeding if I had my time again.

YoureBeingAnAnyFuckerFan · 29/10/2013 23:27

If youre having to fight for him this early on then it's not saying much for your future. If you had had 15 great years together i'd maybe say you should talk to him and work out what he wanted but not this soon.

Walk away before he makes a mug out of you.

Btw you cant 'lose' a man to another woman- he goes of his own free will and if he does then you havent lost anything at all- youve been given a lucky escape.

FunnyRunner · 29/10/2013 23:29

He is talking out of his arse OP. Sorry Sad Don't waste your time. At least you now know you like older guys which will help you find the perfect person for you.

Rosieeo · 29/10/2013 23:30

Don't be a fool. Let's say he does stay with you. Do you honestly think you'll be secure in this relationship? Drop him and move on.

Sparklysilversequins · 29/10/2013 23:30

Translated: "I am not sure where it's going with her or even if she fancies me but I sure fancy her and I certainly don't want to be left without anyone at all a shag if she laughs in my face when I declare myself, so I will keep you hanging on a bit longer just till I get my feet firmly under her table, now STFU and play nice until I have decided!"

Dump him.

ALittleStranger · 29/10/2013 23:30

Artsy I think you're on to a dead end if you use her as your way in to this conversation. He's never going to admit to feelings etc.

It would be more fruitful to say that you no longer feel as happy, you sense he's cooling and you're concerned the relationship doesn't give you what you need. You then need to see if he makes any real effort to reassure you and win you back.

cloudskitchen · 29/10/2013 23:36

I can only add that if you're determined to hang onto your man at any cost all you can do is wait and see what happens. If he is actually smitten with her and you start making ultimatums then you will lose out. Alternatively if you wait it out she might knock him back in which case he's all yours. Sadly I fear you will end up feeling second best and I know that's something I couldn't live with.

LessMissAbs · 29/10/2013 23:38

Depends if you want to compete or not. Mind you, if he is 40 to your 29 and never been married, is he worth it? I don't think ultimatums are a good way to go about it.

I also quite like SparklySilverSequins advice just to drop him like a hot brick!

I think the culture on mumsnet is very much that every relationship has to progress towards marriage and children very quickly and if that isn't the goal, it must be ended. If that is your goal, then you should probably end it.

Be aware that he might be a player, and the recent divorcee might be in the same position as you in a year or so.

Casmama · 29/10/2013 23:40

Please do not ask him if he wants to end it- you will look back and feel humiliated whatever his answer.

Also consider whether you would accept an ultimatum from him to cut a friend out of your life? I wouldn't - especially when you have been together for less than a year.

This shouldn't be so hard.

onlypassing · 29/10/2013 23:42

If they're just 'old friends' shouldn't he be inviting you - his 'real' girlfriend, and recognised by her as such - to meet her, his friend of a while ago, and such a nice person? All go out for a drink and a chat or something? Totally harmless and above board. If he doesn't want you meeting her, well, why not? Just a thought.

Inertia · 29/10/2013 23:49

To be brutal, it's irrelevant that you feel he is the one for you and you want to be with him. He isn't that fussed about you, it would appear. He's never shown any sign of wanting to commit to you or anybody else.

If you have to 'fight to keep your man', he isn't yours.

Even if nothing is happening right now, you know that he still carries a torch for this woman and sees her as the one that got away. Even if you do fight to keep the relationship going, this woman will always be there in the background. He's already meeting with her in secret, while meeting with her in your social group. You'll never feel secure in this relationship, and commitment without trust is impossible.

Sorry to be harsh again because you sound like a lovely positive person, but I think I may have the answer to your conundrum. Most single 40 year old men who are pining for the married and unavailable love of their life wouldn't take themselves off to a monastery- and when they meet a beautiful, fun, unattached 29 year old they are not going to let the opportunity go by.

You can choose to end things. If he wants to be with you and commit to you he will make it happen. If he is happy to end things, then you have your answer. Just take care while you are still in the relationship- he might well be sticking with you while he lines up his ducks with the other woman.

cerealqueen · 29/10/2013 23:55

Sorry you are going through this. My advice is: Step back, cool things your end, have him fight for you. If he doesn't you have your answer, you are just a filler.

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