Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

I know it is hard to let go, but you must. You have a lot of time ahead of you to find someone else and have kids, but if you pursue this and then it doesn't work out WHEN it doesn't work out, you will be starting from scratch. If you need to work at it now, how hard will you need to work at it in 5 years time, or indeed the 7 year itch time, or after kids come and mess with your relationship.

I think he needs to have the guts to end it, really. But for your self respect it would be better for you to. It will happen. If it is not this woman, it will be someone else. Not because he is necessarily a bad hearted man or a very obvious 'player' but he seems to need some kind of sexual variety or relationship variety. I think he's very sensible not to have settled down with anyone and made a mess.

Trust me, even if he gets together with this new woman, it won't work out past a year. I'm sure he felt intensely for you at first, but it wears off with these kind of guys. I had a similar relationship with a very dynamic, clever, charming man. He even left his wife for me, but after about 8 months it was wearing off already and he did not commit again to anyone else, thankfully. I think he realised who he was and what kind of needs he had.

Thanks for your advice, we already broke up! Just trying to get over it now, but it's really hard!!

Sorry, thread has moved on! Well done artsylady. You did the right thing, even though you must be hurting. FWIW, I don't think you could have done anything differently to change this outcome. It's because of the way he is, not because of anything you've done.

Merry, Artsy took a deep breath and dumped his ass about a week ago, we are in the post-breakup support phase now . Artsy, you're doing fantastically. The photos were an unpleasant surprise but deleting all his friends will prevent recurrence (and the great thing about deleting someone of FB is that you can't un-delete in a weak moment so just take a deep breath and click). And you have confirmation he was lying about being too busy.

onlypassing I have never had a problem with "not tall" men myself and know several who are happily marrried. DP is about 5.6 I think (only about an inch taller than me) and I barely give it a passing thought. I agree that some women can be breathtakingly shallow about height but don't let them get to you.

My dh is 5'6. If I wear heels of any sort, I am taller than him. He doesn't much like me wearing heels and luckily I have never been a heel-wearer except for special occasions.

only my husband was 6'4", as was my last DP. My current DP is 5'6", an inch shorter than me. Doesn't bother me one bit. I adore him

Some of the biggest male stars are quite short....nothing wrong with not being tall!

Exactly, it's hardly a character flaw is it!

Only I have many physical characteristics I'd love to change. I do not consider myself to be good looking in the slightest and I'm well past my prime. Liking yourself and being comfortable with yourself is not about looks and physical characteristics imho. It's about yourself as a person.

I've always been jealous of blondes (another reason to hate OW!!!) but I do this it's all about the attitude you have and the effort you put into your appearance.

I think that confident men are usually successful with women regardless of how they look. I mean look at my ex, I've described him before, he's hardly a stunner but he's pretty successful with women

My current husband is 5ft4.

My exH is exactly the same height and very popular with women...thats is one of the reasons he is an ex. It has got nothing to do with height.

In fact, yesterday I was looking for an old friend email from my old email account and by mistake brought up a lot of emails from my exH when we were dealing with the after math of our painful break up. The last email dated 2005.

He was a big liar and also emotional and financial abuser and was trying to control me and abuse me over emails even though we were living in different countries and he had an OW ( my ex best friend) who he left me for. He was brining up money that he spent with me when we were still dating.
We still needed to get in touch because of divorce papers and he was using everything he could against me over no reason.
Fortunately for me I had changed once away from him and It was such a relief seeing how I dealt with him after I managed to separate myself physically and mentally from him.

I hated him and her all those years up until yesterday night.
Now I just feel extremely sorry for both of them and I am finally free.

Hating is not the way forward , Artsy, forgive and forget.
I know it is easier saying than done.

Yes, I agree that the ultimate to aim for is to forgive.

BUT you have to go through the process... which takes time. But the time finally comes when hating him is only a millstone around your neck (not his! unfair I know!) and it's time to cut the rope between you and let him drift off down the river on a separate course. HOpefully with your blessing. I'm not suggesting a gushing blessing - that would not be realistic imo - but a sort of general blessing while he drifts away from your life for good.

imo you know when the time is right. Doing it before you're ready is like taking a cake out of the oven before it's cooked - looks good, but not light and springy (if I can just use my name in vain there), but leaden in the middle. imo you know that leaden feeling, which means you're not ready.

That's how I've found it, anyway.

I'm so conflicted!! Some days I hate him, others I miss him....and everyone keeps telling me to stop with this but I can't stop wondering why her and not me?!?!

See, people keep saying that he's not capable of love or commitment, but I don't think that's true. I think he can care very much. He's not such a bad person, I mean he was very nice to me I have to admit it and I do believe that if I was in some kind of trouble, that he would come and help me out.

It drives me crazy because I've seen how loving he can be. Like he is generally very sociable and is pretty nice to most people, he socializes with his students and has a lot of friends. I've seen him interact with a lot of people and he is always warm, witty etc. But I've also seen him with his family and he was completely different. It was much more serious and you could see how much he loved them and how he would do anything for them. From what I've seen of his communication with OW, he seems to be that way with her too. I've obviously never been with them together but it doesn't seem fun or flirtatious, it's all serious and affectionate.

This is why I'm so hurt...because I know he is capable of that, just not with me!!! I won't ever figure out why her, but it still makes me mad...I mean who is she to him? It's not like they ever had a real relationship other than friendship. Sure, she's beautiful but there are a lot of good looking women out there....I guess there is no point in figuring out why her, just accepting that it's not me he wants....and that's the most painful thing

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was in an actual relationship with him, for a year and I never got the side of him that she does. It's unfair and I really wish that he could give me what he is giving her

My ex's OW was older than me and older than my exH too.
Every single person said I was more attractive better body, etc
No one could understand why he chose her.

But I could. O knew both of them very well and I just could see that they were more suited to each other, they could make each other very happy. She could make my exH happier than I could.

(there was other second intentions from both parties two, but I am nit sure it is relevant here)

Anyway, what hurt me and made me hate them at that time, was the way they decided to get together: behind my back, lying and humiliating me. Making me think I was crazy (and I nearly got there).

But it was also, despite the hate, a relief for me to know that at the end of the day, they had a good reason to be together. I could see they really suited each other.

I suspect Artsy that you don't know this man very well. I suspect he never showed his true colours to you. You just found out his was lying because you snooped. He is very shady, you don't know the true him perhaps. And you know nothing about her.

You had a lucky scape, I think.
He lied to you and he would have cheated if he had the chance...
(maybe he did with other women?)

But it is very raw for you still, I know.

You just read a couple of emails and texts between them, right? So you can't possibly know what happened between them now or while she was married. I suspect the reason he acts this way with her is because he has to. She must be having a very difficult time, getting divorced is serious. He can't approach her by being flirtatious and fun.

The point is, you should stop thinking why you are not the one for him and realise that he is not the one for you! Maybe he loves her, it doesn't matter because soon you will find someone who loves you!!

Yep that's all I want, for someone to just care about me!!! I was thinking about this the other day, how a lot of guys I've been with have treated me like I was nothing to them. I don't know what I did to deserve that. I could give you a bunch of examples too. It's hard to get my self esteem up when every guy I've been with has been a jerk to me.

OP, we ve already talked about this earlier on the thread (not just me) - you tend to spoil men too much and too early on by trying too hard and being your best etc. You have to learn to be so confident that you don't mind to relax and show that you are not perfect, men respond to vulnerability. I know that you FEEL vulnerable but sounds like you never showed it to men.
Plus of course rushing in emotionally like with this one and declaring love doesn't help - purely as you didn't know how he felt and got yourself too attached. Try to sort of wait for them to make efforts and come to you for a change, while just being flirty/nice but cool and a bit laid back.

Arsty forgive me but I'm doing meta-questions at the moment and your last sentence is one of those want-to-shake-someone-by-the-shoulders statements, so indulge me...

What is it that makes you think you have self-esteem?

What have you done to raise your self-esteem?

How does a guy's behaviour towards you influence your self-esteem?

Has every guy been a jerk?

How have you responded when they have been a jerk?

How did you react when they showed non-jerky behaviour?

How have you reacted to the guys who didn't seem like jerks? Did you even notice them romantically?

haha okay, not EVERY guy, but quite a few of them! The problem is that none of them seem like jerks at first. The two relationships I've told you about are just really big examples, but I feel like even guys I was just seeing casually haven't really had much respect for me.

I just feel like I get caught up in this shit quite a lot. I like someone, think he's a decent guy, think things are going well....and then he screws me over one way or another...

So yeah that does hit my self esteem. I mean, how can you feel good about yourself when people keep knocking you down?

BUT I am trying to take some steps to change that!! For example, I wrote a few days ago about how I met/made out with this guy last week and he wanted to get together...normally I would have gone for it, but this time I turned him down and explained that I'm not in a good place...and he was actually respectful and understanding!

Really, was there no behaviour early on that suggested they may be jerks?

And what have you done when they start acting like jerks, or you feel they don't respect you? I think that is key.

I'm wary of anything that looks like victim blaming, but I do think we give some people permission to treat us like crap. It's very unlikely these men have set out to destroy your self-esteem unless they are abusers. If you want to avoid repeating mistakes you have to be really honest about the dynamic you bring to a relationship.

x-post. See, I think that's really positive. You're being upfront about your needs and vulnerabilities, you didn't ask him to fix you - as only you can do that - you didn't put yourself in a situation where he could treat you with indifference and you recognised the risks involved and took evasive action.

Oh no, I've never been with anyone abusive!!!!
I've just been in casual relationships with guys where I didn't expect anything, but I thought that we were friends and had respect for each other. Then they go off and do something idiotic that hurts my feelings and I just wonder why they think it's okay to treat me like that?

The reason that I never did anything to change is because I was never that hurt by it, not like I am now. It was more like sitting and thinking "damn, that guy's an asshole" and then getting over it and being with someone new. Now, though, I was really in love and this has really hurt me. It has made me see that I need to change things a bit.

Yeah, I do think I let guys get away with a lot. Like when I was single, I used to just date and I would sleep with these guys too. But I knew that it wasn't going anywhere and I acted like I was cool with it. I mean I was okay with not having a relationship, but they would just be with me when it was convenient for them and I pretended like I was indifferent or fine with it, when I was actually hurt. I think that lead to them thinking that I really was indifferent and then they would go off and do idiotic things that really did hurt my feelings (like leaving me all alone at a club while I was throwing up to go to a different bar with friends....just one example!)

Which is why I am happy about how I handled things with this last guy. I think I showed him that I'm a real person with my own needs and he respected that. That's actually a big thing for me!

OK I think you're beginning to see the answer to your first question (why do they think it's OK to treat me like that?) if you go into relationships expecting nothing this will come across and you you will in all liklihood get nothing. I'm a firm believer that we'll live up or down to someone's expectations of us. If you don't expect anything from someone you really cannot be surprised if they let you down.

It sounds like you sat and thought "that guy's an arsehole" and then went out and repeated the same pattern with the next arsehole. Normally we acknowledge it's madness to keep on doing the same ol'thing if it doesn't get us what we want, but you need to be honest about what you do want. And you say you weren't upset at the time but it does seem like this drip-drip of crap has had a corrosive effect on your self-esteem. I think telling yourself you were OK is part of having no expectations, or at least telling yourself you had no expectations.

It sounds like you're beginning to realise why exactly it is that you've felt let down. You want commitment, respect and the feeling that a guy will go the extra mile, it seems. The problem is that up until the latest guy you didn't give that impression. Knowing what you want is the first step and you're getting there. The next is taking corrective action if you're going of course, and you're doing that too by dumping the non-commital guy and rebuffing the player. Really Arsty, I think you're heading for an exciting, pivotal point in life.