Should I believe my husband?

[GrannyBubble]

I have been married for 10 years and have never had reason to doubt my husband but the last few days I have been feeling uneasy about something.

The other day I noticed his phone wasn't where he always leaves it on the side and I after that it wasn't there again any day. I saw it charging at night in the bedroom, which is where it always is as he uses it for an alarm. For some reason I just felt something wasn't right so this evening I looked in his coat pocket and there was the phone so I had a look at it. He had a password on, which he doesn't normally have but as he has just downloaded the new iphone software I thought maybe it automatically put a pin code on. Anyway I guessed the pin correctly (the one we always use for things) and I had a look at his messages.

There were about 6 messages from a woman he works with, saying how much she wanted him, missed him etc. although no replies from him. I hid the phone while I tried to calm down and he went looking for it and when he asked if I had seen it I told him I would give it back but he had a lot of explaining to do. I looked at his expression and he didn't look guilty but he must have known what I had found.

So I confronted him with the messages and he said she kept sending messages but that he ignored them. He said she was crazy, but of course he would say that whatever. He asked why I looked at his phone and I said I was suspicious because he had been hiding it. He said he hadn't hidden it. I asked why he had a pin number, he said if he had wanted to keep it private why would he have used our usual pin number and he said why would he be so stupid as to keep the messages.

He has said he is trying to get her to leave, he has told her to get a new job (she is a temp) but he said she acts perfectly normal at work but just sends messages and he ignores her.

I just don't know what to believe. I want to believe him and he seems so genuine but how can I not have a doubt in my mind.

What should I do?

I have told him to tell me if the messages continue and I have said he needs to get rid of her as soon as he can, both of which he has agreed.

Should I believe him...?

[Yseulte]

I want to believe him, but 'I want you' is not a sentiment that comes up outside an intimate situation, I don't think it that likely someone would say that randomly out of the blue, even if they were a bit nuts. And 'I miss you' requires her to have something to miss. What, I wonder?

[BellEndTent]

I agree the texts sound a bit much to be random. It sounds like she could be a one off encounter that he is trying to give the brush off or, like he says, a bit unstable.

[BlameItOnTheBogey]

So the PIN thing is part of the new iPhone thing and him using a number you would guess is a good sign.

But others are right that NO ONE starts sending messages like that out of the blue and combined with his comment that he can't fire her because he is worried what she will say, it starts to smell a bit fishy.

If DH had received a message like that out of the blue he would have done two things: he would have told me and he would immediately have texted back to tell her it was entirely inappropriate. He did neither of those things which is, at the very least, odd.

[Val007]

No way! I bet something has happened two weeks ago. I will bet anything you want. Isn't that the timeframe of him starting to behave suspiciously too? He had a one night stand with her but she wants more. This will come and bite him in the ass.

[GrannyBubble]

There are no calls to her number either.

She also sent one text that was really quite graphic and one that sounded nonsense and one in another language.

He didn't say he was worried she would say something, they were my words, I can't remember what his were, something like she may cause trouble. Sorry, I'm probably sounding all mixed up but that's how I feel at the moment.

I told him if it was me I would have told him if someone had been texting me and that I would have told someone at work but he said he thought it best to just ignore her. Her last message actually said "Thanks for ignoring me"

He hasn't been acting suspiciously apart form putting the phone somewhere different. I just had a feeling about something.

He has said she will go very soon but she isn't from an agency, he employed her directly but on a temporary contract.

I asked him why he didn't tell me about it and he said he didn't want me to worry and get upset - like I'm not worried and upset now...

[Hatpin]

Nothing you have described either confirms or denies an affair, really.

However what you do know is that he started hiding his phone away around the time she started texting him. He was expecting the texts, or the possibility of them, and had the foresight to keep his phone elsewhere.

Trust your gut, and look at actions rather than words.

[JustinBsMum]

Well, her txts by all rights should continue and, naturally, DH won't mind you seeing them.

Unless he warns her off but why would he do that if he didn't do that prior to you knowing about them.

[teaselweasel]

I'm with Bellend on this one. It sounds to me as if he's had an encounter with this woman within the last month or so and is now trying to brush her off and she's taken exception to this. If she truly is unhinged or harassing him, he should contact their HR. Contractors are easy to get rid of and often have contracts terminated at very short notice. That's the nature of contracting. He could easily get rid of her if he had nothing to hide.

[magicstars]

I think you need to ring her, or text her. Get her side of the story and just see if anything adds up i.e. if she says they met at x place and x time, could it have been plausible?
if he is telling you the whole truth then I feel bad for him, this is a horrible situation to be in. What strikes me though is why didn't he tell you from the outset what was going on? If someone was harassing me the first person I'd speak to would be DH.
If it is all a genuine case of harassment, save the messages and go straight to the Cops. Your DH shouldn't have any qualms about them investigating if he's innocent.
All the best

[eggyhead]

Whatever he has done he must have lead her on to a certain extent.

Why on earth would she be texting, "I miss you" and such like. Unhinged women are often a result of deceitful men IME.

[cupcake78]

The problem with phoning her is if she is crackers then she'll make it up anyway.

I'm not sure tbh. The content of the texts is very intimate and therefore I think something must have happened or been implied by your dh.

It may be as simple as he's had lunch with her, flirted abit and she's got a bit attached. Your the best one to judge what he's capable of doing.

[Mojavewonderer]

I kind of believe him. I remember at my first office job a girl, slightly younger than me hitting on anything that moved who then started stalking our supervisor. It got so bad HE left! Poor bloke had only just got married and this silly girl got so obsessed she even sent poison pen letters to his lovely wife. Luckily it all stopped when he left and I think the girls mother had to be involved. I moved offices in the end because I relocated to London so I don't know what happened to the girl in the end.
Get your husband to speak to HR and let them know the situation because if she's harassing him them surely she can be sacked for it. Don't let it go on like my poor supervisor did just because he felt sorry for her.
Of course your husband could have made it all up and something has happened but getting your husband to speak to HR will sort it out and you'll know either way.

[Jengnr]

I believe him. It's the PIN thing that did it for me - if he was hiding something he wouldn't have used one you share.

IOS7 does ask you to put a PIN in.

[MarshmallowCupcake]

The fact that he has used your normal pin kind of makes me think he's not trying to hide anything. Yes, hiding his phone is not natural but is it embarrassment? Certainly her texts sound like they are welcomed but he should stop this behaviour with him being the manager, he can!

[EachDay]

I am inclined to believe him but if he is telling the truth she is seriously unhinged and harassing him and he must report it and get everything documented.

If he won't do that then something happened 2 weeks ago. When was the last work night out?

[Offred]

It sounds like he may be telling the truth but if this is the case you need to stress that he has made you doubt him by handling it so badly.

If his story is the truth I would expect her texts to have been reported to work and her to have been told unequivocally to stop. If she didnt she should be sacked and reported to the police and he absolutely should have told you about it straight away. Because he hasn't done any of this it makes him look very suspicious and is ruining your relationship.

[KatieScarlett2833]

If DH got one message like this he would be showing it to me in a WTF!!! type of way. No way would he say nothing. Something has happened. Maybe some flirting or other inappropriate behaviour.
If your DH is sticking with the " she's crazy" alibi then tell him he needs to report her to HR for sexual harassment. Why not suggest he calls them in your presence for advice?

[ILoveMakeUp]

Call her. Or get one of your mates to call her.

[Fairenuff]

Why are you ignoring me? does not sound like a random, stalker. It sounds like something has happened. I would speak to her to find out what she wants.

[urtwistingmymelonman]

if I had no interest in someone I worked with that kept texting me I would say' stop texting me. I have a wife.i have no interest in you.also you are working for me and it is inappropriate and unprofessional'
job done.
is there some reason he hasn't done that?

[EachDay]

Katie , I can absolutely see my Dh ignoring this and hoping it went away. He wouldn't be "hiding" it he would be pretending it wasn't happening because he would be scared - if it's true. He might also be protecting me because he knew it would worry/upset me. He'd be wrong to but i do think faced with the events in op's dh's story that might be how he behaved.

Once i knew about ut i would insist it was reported as harassment

Once i

[KatieScarlett2833]

I can see that Each Day, I suppose I can only go from my own perspective. But I do think this smells fishy.

[EachDay]

Oh, i agree,i think the midtown likely scenario is that "something" happened a couple of weeks ago and he's hiding from that - treating both women badly.

But, I think there's enough doubt that he should be given the benefit of it ftb. If he is cheating there are a few things that don't add up. Not a single call/text to her number. A reasonable explanation for why he had to set up a pin code but then uses one op would guess

[EachDay]

Hadn't finished! Didn't delete anything.

Whatever-if he won't report it i tthink op will have her answer

[Fairenuff]

Possibly a ons? No strings, it's over, as far as he is concerned. But she feels differently?

Honestly, just speak to the woman and ask her what she wants.