Should I believe my husband?

[GrannyBubble]

I have been married for 10 years and have never had reason to doubt my husband but the last few days I have been feeling uneasy about something.

The other day I noticed his phone wasn't where he always leaves it on the side and I after that it wasn't there again any day. I saw it charging at night in the bedroom, which is where it always is as he uses it for an alarm. For some reason I just felt something wasn't right so this evening I looked in his coat pocket and there was the phone so I had a look at it. He had a password on, which he doesn't normally have but as he has just downloaded the new iphone software I thought maybe it automatically put a pin code on. Anyway I guessed the pin correctly (the one we always use for things) and I had a look at his messages.

There were about 6 messages from a woman he works with, saying how much she wanted him, missed him etc. although no replies from him. I hid the phone while I tried to calm down and he went looking for it and when he asked if I had seen it I told him I would give it back but he had a lot of explaining to do. I looked at his expression and he didn't look guilty but he must have known what I had found.

So I confronted him with the messages and he said she kept sending messages but that he ignored them. He said she was crazy, but of course he would say that whatever. He asked why I looked at his phone and I said I was suspicious because he had been hiding it. He said he hadn't hidden it. I asked why he had a pin number, he said if he had wanted to keep it private why would he have used our usual pin number and he said why would he be so stupid as to keep the messages.

He has said he is trying to get her to leave, he has told her to get a new job (she is a temp) but he said she acts perfectly normal at work but just sends messages and he ignores her.

I just don't know what to believe. I want to believe him and he seems so genuine but how can I not have a doubt in my mind.

What should I do?

I have told him to tell me if the messages continue and I have said he needs to get rid of her as soon as he can, both of which he has agreed.

Should I believe him...?

[secretmum41]

jacey .. he didn't bullshit his way out ... how could he? .. all evidence was plain as day! He was very apologetic etc and we eventually worked through it. Re the trust thing - it drove me absolutely insane in the early days. I decided to stick with my marriage. I trust him almost completely, I check just to be sure. Like OP, I'm with dh pretty much 24/7 so there's no time for him to be with someone else, his 'infidelity' was all on phone/text. That doesn't make it any different mind in my eyes.
I only posted to let OP know/realise that things can go on even if your heart/head tells you it's impossible. I can honestly say that I would NEVER EVER have doubted my dh even for a second. But ... it happens.
Good luck to all. Whatever choice anyone makes in these circumstances is right for them and may not be able to be understood by others.

[Scarynuff]

I found photos on his phone of a not so nice nature. One's he had sent and received. His explanations were pathetic, but plausible (for severe want of a better expression!), making it all seem not entirely his fault...

I think this is what jacey was referring to secretmum. This doesn't quite tally with him being apologetic, it sounds like he was making excuses and trying to save his own skin.

I too am curious as to what explanation could be deemed 'plausible' for sending compromising photos of himself to another woman?

[secretmum41]

scary - of course he was trying to make excuses and save his own skin, I was and am fully aware of that. 'Plausible' was the wrong word/expression, I did say that in brackets afterwards. I can't/couldn't think of the words I needed. There is no excuse for what he did, nothing to make it acceptable. It was plain and simple wrong. What I chose to do was work through it. My choice. Like I said, I only posted to help OP and others to realise that you can have what is the perfect relationship, one which is so devoted that 'playing away' could never be considered... but it can happen. What OP decides to do is her choice, I just want to get across the message not to be too blinkered in a relationship. That's all. Hope this clarifies.

[Tweetypie27]

I think he's lying sorry something doesn't add up for me.

[Scarynuff]

secretmum Yes, I know what you mean.

We can trust someone 100% until they give us reason not to.

Anyone is capable of lying.

Anyone is capable of cheating.

It's up to us to decide what we will accept and what we won't.

[cjel]

Granny, how you doing?

[Mumsyblouse]

'The answer should have been cie' - she means 'si' as in 'yes'.

In that context, two very explicit come hither texts, then some pissed off ones about should have answered yes and why are you ignoring me sounds like a plausible conversation. You can't tell from that though whether there was any reason for her to suppose there might be an opportunity for them to get together or whether she really just did spontaneously text him.

[GrannyBubble]

I thought I would give you an update.

I finally convinced Dh to report to his manager, which he has now done. He has also spoken to the woman again and told her if she ever does anything like this he will go further and report her to the police.

Anyway she is going soon. He couldn't sack her on the spot because she is on a contract and his boss needed to be involved.

I have told him he caused me a lot of grief by not telling me about it in the first place but he thought he could resolve it all without involving me. He now realises that was the wrong thing to do.

I am feeling a lot happier now :)

Thanks for being there when I needed to talk though ladies.

[Piaffle]

What a nice update!

[BuzzardBirdBloodBath]

So pleased for you. There are some good men still it seems :)

[Scarynuff]

What do you mean he couldn't sack her on the spot because his boss needed to be involved? He said he told his boss, so his boss is involved.

You obviously believe the man and you're happy with the outcome but from an outsider's point of view I would still be sceptical. Were you there when he told his manager? Otherwise you've only got his word for it.

[GrannyBubble]

Sorry I didn't explain properly. He couldn't sack her before because his boss had to be involved. His boss is now involved so they can now get rid her, I have seen the letter that has been sent so I know it's true.