Should I believe my husband?

[GrannyBubble]

I have been married for 10 years and have never had reason to doubt my husband but the last few days I have been feeling uneasy about something.

The other day I noticed his phone wasn't where he always leaves it on the side and I after that it wasn't there again any day. I saw it charging at night in the bedroom, which is where it always is as he uses it for an alarm. For some reason I just felt something wasn't right so this evening I looked in his coat pocket and there was the phone so I had a look at it. He had a password on, which he doesn't normally have but as he has just downloaded the new iphone software I thought maybe it automatically put a pin code on. Anyway I guessed the pin correctly (the one we always use for things) and I had a look at his messages.

There were about 6 messages from a woman he works with, saying how much she wanted him, missed him etc. although no replies from him. I hid the phone while I tried to calm down and he went looking for it and when he asked if I had seen it I told him I would give it back but he had a lot of explaining to do. I looked at his expression and he didn't look guilty but he must have known what I had found.

So I confronted him with the messages and he said she kept sending messages but that he ignored them. He said she was crazy, but of course he would say that whatever. He asked why I looked at his phone and I said I was suspicious because he had been hiding it. He said he hadn't hidden it. I asked why he had a pin number, he said if he had wanted to keep it private why would he have used our usual pin number and he said why would he be so stupid as to keep the messages.

He has said he is trying to get her to leave, he has told her to get a new job (she is a temp) but he said she acts perfectly normal at work but just sends messages and he ignores her.

I just don't know what to believe. I want to believe him and he seems so genuine but how can I not have a doubt in my mind.

What should I do?

I have told him to tell me if the messages continue and I have said he needs to get rid of her as soon as he can, both of which he has agreed.

Should I believe him...?

[PublicEnemyNumeroUno]

I dont believe him and i think he's making her sound unhinged to save his own arse.

[Whocansay]

I suspect something has happened between them. Maybe he was flirting with her, and she has taken it more seriously? But that story that he's given you is clearly bollocks.

[Mabelface]

I believe him, and I'm a cynical old boot.

[Mama1980]

I think I believe him but I'm really not sure all sounds very odd. I would definitely have a look at the iMessages you can restore them I believe as text wouldn't show on a phone bill. If clear then....ok, he's been a fool not telling you but I can kinda see a way that make sense.
The pin is definitely a update thing, it takes a bit of effort to not have one now I do and previously never did.
I hope you are ok.

[GrannyBubble]

I am ok thank you

He went back into work yesterday and he spoke to her, told her she was out of order sending text messages like that to him, he also told her I had seen them. He said she was very embarrased and apologised.

He has said sorry isn't good enough though and he has told her to look for another job as he is not keeping her on.

I do know she has been in trouble already at work and he had to give her a written warning (I have seena copy of the letter). While we were on holiday she just didn't turn up to work a couple of times and refused to tell Dh why when he got back. I also remember him telling me at the time that nobody else like her at work because she had mood swings and was argumentative. I also remember him saying one of the other girls had made her cry. When I read the messages I didn't really connect those issues with the same girl, I think I was just in shock at the time. But it does kind of make sense now that she is a bit emotionally unstable.

Anyway, she has been told she will be going soon and he is looking for a replacement so hopefully she will be out of our lives soon enough.

I have warned him though never to keep things form me again. If he told me from the beginning it would have been so much easier.

Thanks for letting me talk, it has made me feel better

[Jan45]

Sorry but there clearly was something going on between them, she sent him texts saying she misses and wants him??? His take on her being unhinged etc and a trouble maker helps his corner doesn't it, he could tell you whatever he wants.

If it was me, I'd need more evidence of his supposed innocence. Something happened, that's why she's been texting him not because she's some mad woman on a mission.

[GrannyBubble]

I don't think so. I truly believe he is telling the truth.

[Cosydressinggown]

Yeah ok, so why did he hide his phone from you then? Remember, you checked his phone because you felt suspicious of HIM, not her.

The 'she's a crazy woman' line is a classic, but think about it - how many deranged women have you ever really met, that would send 'I want you/I miss you texts' to someone off the back of nothing at all?!?

Sorry, but he's lying to you.

[Jan45]

When backed into a corner it's very easy to have the ability to lie, esp when your whole life is at stake, it's also very easy to believe said liar when you too are thinking of everything at stake.

The crazy woman scenario just doesn't add up as he's never even mentioned her nuttiness to you before, that's odd in itself.

[educationforlife]

lurked a bit on this thread.
Granny believe your husband if you have to, but 'crazy women' stories only set alarm bells going for me alarm bells of all types - except urban legends telling me to fear those who, reportedly, have mental health problems.
Moreover, I see that this particular 'crazy woman' is now 'embarrassed' and has 'apologized'
So ... what is she? Crazy? or embarassed and remorseful? Don't quite go together as stories.
And, he told her yesterday she was out of order?
methinks me smells a load of uncle tom cobblers and all, myself - but hey - whatever is easier.

[GrannyBubble]

Thanks for the replies ladies. Personally I don't see how anyone outside of this can possibly say he's lying as if it is an undisputed fact. I believe him and I know him well. I just feel I would know if he wasn't telling the truth. He may have put his phone somewhere other than where it normally was but it took me 2 minutes to find it, he used our normal pin code and never answered the texts. I checked his phone and he has made no calls to her either.

Jan45 he has said things about her before, like her just not bothering to turn up for work and refusing to say why, arguing with people all the time at work, crying a lot and nobody liking her. I just hadn't connected it at the time.

Anyway he has not been anywhere other than at work and home, there is no time where I haven't known where he is.

[GrannyBubble]

I meant I checked the phone bill, not the phone, to see if be had made any calls.

[EachDay]

Granny, I've said several times that i think he could well be telling the truth and that if he his he needs to report her and get it properly recorded.

If she's as crazy as he says she's not going to respond well to the message he's given today. If she is all apologetic, sees the error of her ways etc then she's not unhhinged and his story starts to smell.

Tell me again, why won't he report it?

[Housesellerihope]

I think he's telling the truth for what it's worth. She sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder and I can't see that he has done anything wrong here at all.

[Scarynuff]

I think you are only hearing what he chooses to tell you.

The only thing you have heard first hand from the OW is what she put in the text messages.

And you clearly weren't supposed to see those.

Think about it - apart from 'she's crazy', what other reason could he have given?

There is no other plausible explanation. Hence him going with the only option available to him. Lucky for him you bought it, hey

[GrannyBubble]

I have done a bit of snooping and I can find no evidence of any other messages or phone calls to her.

I also re-read the messages. There were 6 messages the first said I miss in amongst a load of explicit stuff, the second had more explicit stuff with I want you in there too, the third made no sense at all, it was mis-spelled and sounded like nonsense, the next said "the answer should have been cie" whatever cie means I don't know, the next was 3 words in a foreign language (I think she is Polish or something) and the last said "thanks for ignoring me"

As I have no evidence to say he has done anything apart from him not wanting to see the massages I think he is telling the truth that nothing happened. It seems to me that maybe she had too much to drink and sent some stupid messages, if she has a bit of a drink problem that could explain her problems at work too. Obviously I am only guessing here.

In the 10 years we have been married I have never had any reason to doubt him, I am very annoyed that he kept this from me but I honestly don't think he has done anything with her. He has done nothing else suspicious, he hasn't been out anywhere unusual or unaccountable and he is not acting any different from normal.

EachDay, he said he doesn't want to tell his boss because he never does anything, he has had to complain about his staff before and it is just ignored, including someone who was (and probably still is) stealing money! I also think he feels embarrased about it. He is hoping once she goes that will be the end of it.

[secretmum41]

It's taken me a while to decide to post this.
Granny ... here's my situation...

Dh and I had the strongest relationship possible. I had NO reason at all to doubt him. He'd worshipped me all his young life, knew I was the only one for him. We got together in our mid 20's, I was his first girlfriend. We married and had children. Happy, happy, happy. If there was one relationship that was never in doubt it was ours. I KNEW he'd never ever do anything to jeopardize it. He just wasn't like that. Then one day I casually looked at his phone and found he'd txt a girl at work saying 'can't wait to lie next to you naked' .... shell shocked is an understatement. What rocked my world the most was the fact that I had genuine, complete and utter faith in my dh. 100%, never ever in question. He gave his explanation and we moved on. Roll forward quite a few years and I had suspicions. I found photos on his phone of a not so nice nature. One's he had sent and received. His explanations were pathetic, but plausible (for severe want of a better expression!), making it all seem not entirely his fault...

My point is .. he never hid his phone, didn't have a password, and kept all incriminating evidence on it! Sometimes, men just don't think enough, or the way we do or would expect. Just because your dh phone was accessible does not mean everything is all above board.

FWIW, dh and I are still together, I have a very happy life and marriage, but I still check his phone every single day. The trust on that side is completely gone and will never come back.

How you deal with your situation is entirely up to you. Everyone here is just giving you advice.

Hope you can move on.

[Jan45]

If you believe him then nobody can deny you that. If you look at it from an outsiders perspective, it looks dodgy as hell, and the mad woman syndrome just isn't clicking with me, he's never mentioned her before but now you are hearing all about her (since YOU discovered her existence). Not buying the description he is giving of this mental crazy woman I'm afraid. To send texts like she has to your OH would either indicate she is indeed insane or perhaps insanely in love with him, I know which one I'd be buying. Just because you haven't found previous texts doesn't mean they didn't exist.

Regardless of what anyone thinks, you must admit it smells quite rotten.

[GrannyBubble]

Yes, but I he had mentioned her before quite a few times, I did say that. I said she had been pulled up for just not turning up at work and refusing to say why and being really cagey about it, that was back in July. I read throught he letter he sent her for her wirtten warning and I remember him saying she had brought it on herself because she wasn't normal. I also knew that nobody liked her because she would pick arguments and refuse to do what anyone asked ages ago and also that she had been bursting into tears when people spoke to her. Dh said she was annoyed with her for all that months ago and told me then.

I don't believe for one minute that she is actually crazy but it seems like she has some problems. Unfortunaley DH isn't very sympathetic when it comes to people who have emotional problems, they are either crazy or stupid!

I do appriciate all your advice and I know it must look suspicious to anyone on the outside but I have to go with my instict now and I feel he is telling the truth that nothing happened.

It just really upset me when someone said "He's lying to you" as if it was an undisputed fact

[Jan45]

Granny, I agree you must go with your head but remember your first post, gut instinct?

Maybe he is telling you the whole truth, nobody actually knows for sure, only he does, I'd just be very suspicious about it all and it wouldn't be enough for me, I'd probably have to speak with her too until my mind was at rest.

And yes, I'm afraid on a public forum with an outsiders perspective, being told he's lying is fairly typical on here and I don't actually see anything wrong with it, you have to take all the advise given, you don't have to do anything with it though.

Good luck, I didn't mean to offend or paint your OH in a bad light, just giving an outside view.

[GrannyBubble]

I do know what it is like here and I know people only say what they feel, I have seen people being told "He's lying" gbefore myself and never thought it was wrong but being on the receiving end feels very different

[EachDay]

Granny I get all that, I really do, I think my Dh would likely react the same way, but if everything is as he says it is (i.e. she's that unhinged), she will look to cause trouble for him now she's had the ultimate rejection/once she leaves/is sacked.

If he hasn't at least got it recorded that he raised a complain he won't have a leg to stand on - you've seen how suspicious everyone here is, mostly believing that "something" must have gone on, why would a tribunal be any different? He doesn't necessarily need his boss to "do" anything, especially as on the face of it the situation seems to be coming to a conclusion but if she does bring a case, he needs to have had the fact that he raised a complaint recorded.

And yes, contract and agency workers can raise a claim for sexual harassment - it doesn't matter that she hasn't been there long.

[GrannyBubble]

I understand that and I will keep trying to get him to report her. It does worry me a bit that she could do seomtheing whe she leaves.

Thanks for the advice.

[Mama1980]

It is up to you whether you believe him or not granny and I hope you're ok this must be awful for you.
However he really must at least log her harassment with his bosses, whether they are useless or not, if he officially logs it then he is protected. If not he is leaving himself open to all sorts of allegations.
If he won't....then tbh I think you have a problem because it makes no sense no matter how useless his bosses may be that is irrelevant as it would be a official letter logged in the event she takes things further.
It is unclear whether she is 'crazy' or 'desperately sorry and apologetic' they are not compatible traits.