Should I believe my husband?

[GrannyBubble]

I have been married for 10 years and have never had reason to doubt my husband but the last few days I have been feeling uneasy about something.

The other day I noticed his phone wasn't where he always leaves it on the side and I after that it wasn't there again any day. I saw it charging at night in the bedroom, which is where it always is as he uses it for an alarm. For some reason I just felt something wasn't right so this evening I looked in his coat pocket and there was the phone so I had a look at it. He had a password on, which he doesn't normally have but as he has just downloaded the new iphone software I thought maybe it automatically put a pin code on. Anyway I guessed the pin correctly (the one we always use for things) and I had a look at his messages.

There were about 6 messages from a woman he works with, saying how much she wanted him, missed him etc. although no replies from him. I hid the phone while I tried to calm down and he went looking for it and when he asked if I had seen it I told him I would give it back but he had a lot of explaining to do. I looked at his expression and he didn't look guilty but he must have known what I had found.

So I confronted him with the messages and he said she kept sending messages but that he ignored them. He said she was crazy, but of course he would say that whatever. He asked why I looked at his phone and I said I was suspicious because he had been hiding it. He said he hadn't hidden it. I asked why he had a pin number, he said if he had wanted to keep it private why would he have used our usual pin number and he said why would he be so stupid as to keep the messages.

He has said he is trying to get her to leave, he has told her to get a new job (she is a temp) but he said she acts perfectly normal at work but just sends messages and he ignores her.

I just don't know what to believe. I want to believe him and he seems so genuine but how can I not have a doubt in my mind.

What should I do?

I have told him to tell me if the messages continue and I have said he needs to get rid of her as soon as he can, both of which he has agreed.

Should I believe him...?

[GrannyBubble]

Sorry I didn't explain properly. He couldn't sack her before because his boss had to be involved. His boss is now involved so they can now get rid her, I have seen the letter that has been sent so I know it's true.

[Scarynuff]

What do you mean he couldn't sack her on the spot because his boss needed to be involved? He said he told his boss, so his boss is involved.

You obviously believe the man and you're happy with the outcome but from an outsider's point of view I would still be sceptical. Were you there when he told his manager? Otherwise you've only got his word for it.

[BuzzardBirdBloodBath]

So pleased for you. There are some good men still it seems :)

[Piaffle]

What a nice update!

[GrannyBubble]

I thought I would give you an update.

I finally convinced Dh to report to his manager, which he has now done. He has also spoken to the woman again and told her if she ever does anything like this he will go further and report her to the police.

Anyway she is going soon. He couldn't sack her on the spot because she is on a contract and his boss needed to be involved.

I have told him he caused me a lot of grief by not telling me about it in the first place but he thought he could resolve it all without involving me. He now realises that was the wrong thing to do.

I am feeling a lot happier now :)

Thanks for being there when I needed to talk though ladies.

[Mumsyblouse]

'The answer should have been cie' - she means 'si' as in 'yes'.

In that context, two very explicit come hither texts, then some pissed off ones about should have answered yes and why are you ignoring me sounds like a plausible conversation. You can't tell from that though whether there was any reason for her to suppose there might be an opportunity for them to get together or whether she really just did spontaneously text him.

[cjel]

Granny, how you doing?

[Scarynuff]

secretmum Yes, I know what you mean.

We can trust someone 100% until they give us reason not to.

Anyone is capable of lying.

Anyone is capable of cheating.

It's up to us to decide what we will accept and what we won't.

[Tweetypie27]

I think he's lying sorry something doesn't add up for me.

[secretmum41]

scary - of course he was trying to make excuses and save his own skin, I was and am fully aware of that. 'Plausible' was the wrong word/expression, I did say that in brackets afterwards. I can't/couldn't think of the words I needed. There is no excuse for what he did, nothing to make it acceptable. It was plain and simple wrong. What I chose to do was work through it. My choice. Like I said, I only posted to help OP and others to realise that you can have what is the perfect relationship, one which is so devoted that 'playing away' could never be considered... but it can happen. What OP decides to do is her choice, I just want to get across the message not to be too blinkered in a relationship. That's all. Hope this clarifies.

[Scarynuff]

I found photos on his phone of a not so nice nature. One's he had sent and received. His explanations were pathetic, but plausible (for severe want of a better expression!), making it all seem not entirely his fault...

I think this is what jacey was referring to secretmum. This doesn't quite tally with him being apologetic, it sounds like he was making excuses and trying to save his own skin.

I too am curious as to what explanation could be deemed 'plausible' for sending compromising photos of himself to another woman?

[secretmum41]

jacey .. he didn't bullshit his way out ... how could he? .. all evidence was plain as day! He was very apologetic etc and we eventually worked through it. Re the trust thing - it drove me absolutely insane in the early days. I decided to stick with my marriage. I trust him almost completely, I check just to be sure. Like OP, I'm with dh pretty much 24/7 so there's no time for him to be with someone else, his 'infidelity' was all on phone/text. That doesn't make it any different mind in my eyes.
I only posted to let OP know/realise that things can go on even if your heart/head tells you it's impossible. I can honestly say that I would NEVER EVER have doubted my dh even for a second. But ... it happens.
Good luck to all. Whatever choice anyone makes in these circumstances is right for them and may not be able to be understood by others.

[JaceyBee]

Secretmum41 I am intrigued to know how your dh bullshitted his way out of that one! Seems like he was pretty much bang to rights, no?

Do you not mind being married to a man you have so little trust in that you have to check his phone every day? I think that would drive me insane? Still, each to their own I suppose, good luck to you!

[Hatpin]

Could she have been teaching him Polish?

Cie is "you" as in the phrase "I love you".

[Madeleine10]

Just read the whole thing, and yes I'd be inclined to believe him too. Slightly unhinged fantasists do exist, after all, and they don't need a reason to fix on someone, other than that person being a normal kind//friendly/pleasant member of the oposite sex.


He was daft to try to keep the messages and situation from you, and I think that was because he felt a bit panicky about how you might react if he spoke to you about the situation, and so decided he would deal with it himself and then you need never know and become upset.

That's been his real major mistake. . -

I'm not saying you would react badly, you seem to be very level headed, and I'm sure he knows what you are like , as you do him but such explicit messages from a young woman on any husbands phone might make the best of us raise a very suspicious eyebrow at even a trusted husband and feel a bit wobbly! I dare say he hoped it would be done and dusted before he needed to say anything to you .

[drivingmisslazy]

FWIW I believe him too. You know him the best. Go with your gut.

[nosleeptillbedtime]

Sorry,haven't read through all the posts but I believe him. Using a pin number you know is hardly him trying to hide a secret from you.

[GrannyBubble]

Sorry, maybe I haven't been clear in my posts. She did not come from an agency, my husband employed her himself. She works a couple of days a week and is not a permanent member of staff, I don't know if she is on some sort if contract, whether she had been given notice verbally or written and I don't know when she is going. I will ask him tonight so I am clearer.

Also he never suggested she may cause trouble or say something when she left. Those were my words. Sorry if I am confusing anyone.

[PlatinumStart]

Sorry... His scenario is getting more incredible by the minute. Temps are easy to get rid of, you just "return them" to the agency. His suggestion that she might say something to cause trouble if he gets rid of her is absurd, if someone is that much of a troublemaker any sane person with nothing to hide would get rid of them in a flash.

I said it before but I would do a spotlight search on his phone and/or restore it to an earlier date on iTunes.

I know it is not the MN philosophy and I would never suggest talking to the OW once you know what's going on., but a quick chat with her might give you a clearer perspective.

[PlatinumStart]

It must be hard hearing people who don't know you or your DH clamouring to give their opinion but you must see his scenario is gett

[cjel]

I'm afraid that I had 35 not 10 years for never having to doubt my H and even found out after 2txts and one lunch date, so I knew him very well!!

What he is telling you doesn't make sense on so many levels, you make him out to be a weak whimp, His boss doesn't listen to him and nor do his staff?

The hardest thing is the realisation that they can lie or not tell the truth. Your original gut is the one you should trust. The rest you can listen to but check it out to the last degree and if this woman is so bad at her job, doesn't even turn up , upsets the others and is only temporary , his reasons for her not having left yet are odd to say the least.

[LaRegina]

Sorry my post seems to have missed the point by miles - I did my normal thing of reading the OP then wading straight in....

[LaRegina]

I wouldn't believe his story - sorry.

As others have said, she's a temp so she couldn't be easier to get rid of.

And the messages don't fit with his story - saying you are missing someone and want someone makes it sound as if they are already together.

But mainly I wouldn't believe it because if somebody at work was harassing you and causing you all sorts of problems, wouldn't you have mentioned it to your partner before?

[Granville72]

Yep, as I've already said, dismissed instantly on grounds of sexual harassment.

Still sits uncomfortable as to why your husband will not report it to his boss and his excuse that he wont take is seriously isn't good enough. It needs reporting either way in case she takes it further.

That is of course unless he is hiding something and can't report it because there is an actual reason other than her being a fruit case.

[Mama1980]

As I said before granny I actually believe him, I think he's been a fool but that's all. However this - he will be getting rid of her now- just doesn't make sense. He needs to report her as I said, then issue her with either formal warnings/notice to dismiss or she can be dismissed on grounds of reported sexual harassment pretty much instantly. Especially as she is 'unstable' why would he risk having her there? Just seems very odd. I'm sorry, I hope he can clarify the situation.
It's crap that he will have to work more but necessary I think here.