Should I believe my husband?

[GrannyBubble]

I have been married for 10 years and have never had reason to doubt my husband but the last few days I have been feeling uneasy about something.

The other day I noticed his phone wasn't where he always leaves it on the side and I after that it wasn't there again any day. I saw it charging at night in the bedroom, which is where it always is as he uses it for an alarm. For some reason I just felt something wasn't right so this evening I looked in his coat pocket and there was the phone so I had a look at it. He had a password on, which he doesn't normally have but as he has just downloaded the new iphone software I thought maybe it automatically put a pin code on. Anyway I guessed the pin correctly (the one we always use for things) and I had a look at his messages.

There were about 6 messages from a woman he works with, saying how much she wanted him, missed him etc. although no replies from him. I hid the phone while I tried to calm down and he went looking for it and when he asked if I had seen it I told him I would give it back but he had a lot of explaining to do. I looked at his expression and he didn't look guilty but he must have known what I had found.

So I confronted him with the messages and he said she kept sending messages but that he ignored them. He said she was crazy, but of course he would say that whatever. He asked why I looked at his phone and I said I was suspicious because he had been hiding it. He said he hadn't hidden it. I asked why he had a pin number, he said if he had wanted to keep it private why would he have used our usual pin number and he said why would he be so stupid as to keep the messages.

He has said he is trying to get her to leave, he has told her to get a new job (she is a temp) but he said she acts perfectly normal at work but just sends messages and he ignores her.

I just don't know what to believe. I want to believe him and he seems so genuine but how can I not have a doubt in my mind.

What should I do?

I have told him to tell me if the messages continue and I have said he needs to get rid of her as soon as he can, both of which he has agreed.

Should I believe him...?

[Granville72]

What would concern me is why he can't dismiss her from her job. You say your husband has said she has something on him or may cause trouble (sorry can't remember your exact words) if he were to sack her.

I'd be asking him what exactly and it better be a good excuse. Without it I'd be inclined to think something HAS happened between them, no matter if it's flirting, kiss or sex.

There is a reason he has not sacked her. He can easily do so on grounds of sexual harassment (assuming nothing has happened of a sexual nature between them), incompetence in the job etc. He can easily write her two more warnings on these grounds, along with causing arguments etc. in quick succession and she's out with no leg to stand on.

[GrannyBubble]

I don't think she is either crazy or desperately apologetic. I think she has a problem and probably said sorry because she was put on the spot. He said when he spoke to her on the phone she laughed at him but when confronted face to face she looked embarrassed and said sorry.

I will speak to him tonight about reporting her.

[Granville72]

Who hired her? your husband or someone else?

[GrannyBubble]

Granville, he has given her notice to find a new job. He needs to find a replacement because he will have to cover for her if she isn't there. He changed his hours a few months back so he could spend more time at home, previoulsy he worked late and every weekend, now he finishes at 5 and doesn't work weekends. He would have to go back to working weekends and late a couple of nights if he doesn't get someone in to replace her, which he doesn't want to do. He is looking for someone new.

[Granville72]

Is that a written notice or verbal? It needs to be written and I don't know of any boss giving notice to 'find another job'. You give a written notice clearly stating their final day working and dismissal.

If he needs someone pronto there are plenty of agencies that would have someone there next week.

He's stalling for some reason and it doesn't sit right. He can dismiss her today on grounds of sexual harassment.........assuming there is no grounds for the texts she has sent other than being bonkers.

[GrannyBubble]

I know it isn't as easy to get someone as that, each time he has looked for new staff it has taken a while, he doesn't just get someone sent in, he interviews them first.

I will be on at him every day to find out when she is going though and if he can't find someone that quick I will tell him he will just have to do the extra work until he finds someone. I'm not going to sit back and leave it.

[EachDay]

No I don't get that either. How can you give someone notice that they're being sacked? If she isn't being sacked, but being allowed to see out her contract, then he hasn't actually done anything.

AFAIK you can't bring a contract to an end by giving notice - you have to show there's been a breach.

[GrannyBubble]

I don't know what her contract is but he says she is going as soon as he finds a replacement. I will ask him tonight whether whether he needs to give her written notice

[EachDay]

I really really don't think it's possible to give someone such loose notice. Can you imagine being told you'll be leaving as soon as you're replaced but you have no idea when that will actually be? Why on earth would she stay and what value would she be to anyone at work if she did? I'm generally a pretty conscientious type but even I can't imagine pulling my weight, at all, in those circumstances.

I'm sorry, I'm really swinging on this one.From the initial story I believed him but this current effort to pacify you is nonsense. What has he actually done to replace her?

[EachDay]

Even I would be considering some minor acts of sabotage. Any employer would want her straight off the premises in that situation.

[Mapleissweet]

Do you think she's trying to construct a shallow case for sexual harassment? Hoping he would respond?
She sounds unhinged and a complete liability for any employer. I see this happen a lot. Nightmare em

[Mapleissweet]

Nightmare employer dismissed for legitimate reasons. Scrapes together a claim.

[Mama1980]

As I said before granny I actually believe him, I think he's been a fool but that's all. However this - he will be getting rid of her now- just doesn't make sense. He needs to report her as I said, then issue her with either formal warnings/notice to dismiss or she can be dismissed on grounds of reported sexual harassment pretty much instantly. Especially as she is 'unstable' why would he risk having her there? Just seems very odd. I'm sorry, I hope he can clarify the situation.
It's crap that he will have to work more but necessary I think here.

[Granville72]

Yep, as I've already said, dismissed instantly on grounds of sexual harassment.

Still sits uncomfortable as to why your husband will not report it to his boss and his excuse that he wont take is seriously isn't good enough. It needs reporting either way in case she takes it further.

That is of course unless he is hiding something and can't report it because there is an actual reason other than her being a fruit case.

[LaRegina]

I wouldn't believe his story - sorry.

As others have said, she's a temp so she couldn't be easier to get rid of.

And the messages don't fit with his story - saying you are missing someone and want someone makes it sound as if they are already together.

But mainly I wouldn't believe it because if somebody at work was harassing you and causing you all sorts of problems, wouldn't you have mentioned it to your partner before?

[LaRegina]

Sorry my post seems to have missed the point by miles - I did my normal thing of reading the OP then wading straight in....

[cjel]

I'm afraid that I had 35 not 10 years for never having to doubt my H and even found out after 2txts and one lunch date, so I knew him very well!!

What he is telling you doesn't make sense on so many levels, you make him out to be a weak whimp, His boss doesn't listen to him and nor do his staff?

The hardest thing is the realisation that they can lie or not tell the truth. Your original gut is the one you should trust. The rest you can listen to but check it out to the last degree and if this woman is so bad at her job, doesn't even turn up , upsets the others and is only temporary , his reasons for her not having left yet are odd to say the least.

[PlatinumStart]

It must be hard hearing people who don't know you or your DH clamouring to give their opinion but you must see his scenario is gett

[PlatinumStart]

Sorry... His scenario is getting more incredible by the minute. Temps are easy to get rid of, you just "return them" to the agency. His suggestion that she might say something to cause trouble if he gets rid of her is absurd, if someone is that much of a troublemaker any sane person with nothing to hide would get rid of them in a flash.

I said it before but I would do a spotlight search on his phone and/or restore it to an earlier date on iTunes.

I know it is not the MN philosophy and I would never suggest talking to the OW once you know what's going on., but a quick chat with her might give you a clearer perspective.

[GrannyBubble]

Sorry, maybe I haven't been clear in my posts. She did not come from an agency, my husband employed her himself. She works a couple of days a week and is not a permanent member of staff, I don't know if she is on some sort if contract, whether she had been given notice verbally or written and I don't know when she is going. I will ask him tonight so I am clearer.

Also he never suggested she may cause trouble or say something when she left. Those were my words. Sorry if I am confusing anyone.

[nosleeptillbedtime]

Sorry,haven't read through all the posts but I believe him. Using a pin number you know is hardly him trying to hide a secret from you.

[drivingmisslazy]

FWIW I believe him too. You know him the best. Go with your gut.

[Madeleine10]

Just read the whole thing, and yes I'd be inclined to believe him too. Slightly unhinged fantasists do exist, after all, and they don't need a reason to fix on someone, other than that person being a normal kind//friendly/pleasant member of the oposite sex.


He was daft to try to keep the messages and situation from you, and I think that was because he felt a bit panicky about how you might react if he spoke to you about the situation, and so decided he would deal with it himself and then you need never know and become upset.

That's been his real major mistake. . -

I'm not saying you would react badly, you seem to be very level headed, and I'm sure he knows what you are like , as you do him but such explicit messages from a young woman on any husbands phone might make the best of us raise a very suspicious eyebrow at even a trusted husband and feel a bit wobbly! I dare say he hoped it would be done and dusted before he needed to say anything to you .

[Hatpin]

Could she have been teaching him Polish?

Cie is "you" as in the phrase "I love you".

[JaceyBee]

Secretmum41 I am intrigued to know how your dh bullshitted his way out of that one! Seems like he was pretty much bang to rights, no?

Do you not mind being married to a man you have so little trust in that you have to check his phone every day? I think that would drive me insane? Still, each to their own I suppose, good luck to you!