Should I believe my husband?

[GrannyBubble]

I have been married for 10 years and have never had reason to doubt my husband but the last few days I have been feeling uneasy about something.

The other day I noticed his phone wasn't where he always leaves it on the side and I after that it wasn't there again any day. I saw it charging at night in the bedroom, which is where it always is as he uses it for an alarm. For some reason I just felt something wasn't right so this evening I looked in his coat pocket and there was the phone so I had a look at it. He had a password on, which he doesn't normally have but as he has just downloaded the new iphone software I thought maybe it automatically put a pin code on. Anyway I guessed the pin correctly (the one we always use for things) and I had a look at his messages.

There were about 6 messages from a woman he works with, saying how much she wanted him, missed him etc. although no replies from him. I hid the phone while I tried to calm down and he went looking for it and when he asked if I had seen it I told him I would give it back but he had a lot of explaining to do. I looked at his expression and he didn't look guilty but he must have known what I had found.

So I confronted him with the messages and he said she kept sending messages but that he ignored them. He said she was crazy, but of course he would say that whatever. He asked why I looked at his phone and I said I was suspicious because he had been hiding it. He said he hadn't hidden it. I asked why he had a pin number, he said if he had wanted to keep it private why would he have used our usual pin number and he said why would he be so stupid as to keep the messages.

He has said he is trying to get her to leave, he has told her to get a new job (she is a temp) but he said she acts perfectly normal at work but just sends messages and he ignores her.

I just don't know what to believe. I want to believe him and he seems so genuine but how can I not have a doubt in my mind.

What should I do?

I have told him to tell me if the messages continue and I have said he needs to get rid of her as soon as he can, both of which he has agreed.

Should I believe him...?

[Offred]

In fact if he is the manager then surely he should be leading by example on this issue.

[VoodooHexDoll]

Sorry op but I would go see him in work and ask to see his work email.

I would not tell him beforehand, just turn up at random.

How did she get his number?

[Lizzabadger]

If someone I was managing sent me inappropriate text messages I would involve HR immediately and aim to have them moved/suspended...

unless something had happened between us...

[BabylonReturns]

No email address? Really?
But has an iPhone and has just updated to iOS 7? A hell of a lot more up to date than I am and I though I was quite "with it"!

I'm sorry, but something really doesn't ring true here. As others have said, if he's that innocent etc, why did he not just report to HR? Unless he has his own skin to save??

I think there is more to this OP, I hope there isn't, but I think there is.

[difficultpickle]

If I were him I would be telling HR what is going on. Keeping it secret won't do him any favours if she decides to cause trouble. If he is being honest with you I can't think of a single reason why he wouldn't want to involve HR. She could make all sorts of accusations and if it came out that she had been texting him it would seem odd that he didn't say anything to his manager or HR, especially as he is her manager.

Personally I think there is more too it. I would be checking credit card bills too looking for a payg phone and any out of the norm expenditure.

[Upnotdown]

Why would he 'feel ashamed' to go to HR. He's her boss. Surely he would be wanting to protect his job at all costs (if she's unhinged, as he says...).

My spidey-senses are tingling but he's your DH - you know him best :)

[mammadiggingdeep]

I think if it was me I'd have blocked her number after the first few texts, especially as he is her manager and could become involved in some false accusations etc.
why didn't he block her number? I think there's must be more to this tbh, even if its that he at least lead her on then panicked...

[PlatinumStart]

Erm I'm pretty sure that you can't have an iTunes account without an email address and you can't have an iPhone without an iTunes account. And even if you could you get a .me email address automatically.

I'm not usually terribly cynical but he is definitely spinning you a line in relation to that and so I would consider everything else that comes out of his mouth to be equally rubbish

[Catsmamma]

I'd still be suspicious.

imo philandering husbands having second thoughts about things are more common than cuckoo bunnyboiler temps so on the balance of probabilities I' still be very vigilant.

[BabylonReturns]

That's what I was getting at Platinum

DH hadn't got a clue wrt emails and iTunes etc, so it was a sharp learning curve for him when he got an iPhone!

Does he backup to the cloud OP? If so, everything he has ever sent/received/deleted, will be there.

My spidey senses are in overdrive here.

[fedupwithdeployment]

If he is innocent he is extraordinarily naive. Even if the person was a long term employee, explicit texts could constitute gross misconduct. Am amazed he hasn't fired her.

[Twinklestein]

It's not sounding very likely...

He must have work email address for a start.

If a guy from work texted me some lewd message I certainly wouldn't phone them straight back.

He didn't report her, sack her, or block her.

He said: "he wants to get rid of her but he is a little worried that if he just sacks her she may say something about him."

What could she possibly have on him?

It sounds like they've had some fling & it's gone bad.

[GrannyBubble]

He doesn't have an email address, he uses mine for everything. I set up itunes for him on my email address.

There is no HR department, he would have to report to the person above him who doesn't seem to take anything seriously. He has had countless meetings with him about other work issues and nothing ever gets done. He is also definitely a person who tries to ignore things in the hope they will go away.

I am just hoping she is gone within the next couple of weeks, I have horrible thoughts of her turning into someone like LaQueen talks of!

[mammadiggingdeep]

Exactly op. I think at best he's been naive for leaving the texts unchallenged on a professional level. He should have disciplined her properly. Orcas I said eSrlier, blocked her number?!

[mammadiggingdeep]

*Or as I said earlier.....

[GrannyBubble]

Oh and he can't block her number as she works for him so he needs to be able to contact her, which is also why she has his number, he has the numbers of all his staff.

As far as I know he doesn't have an individual work email address either, he uses the generic work one as I have sent some things to that email address for him from home before now.

I did explain that "she may say something" were my words. I can't remember his exact words it was more like he wanted to make sure is was done through the proper channels. She has other problems at work like timekeeping and not turning up for work and arguing with other staff and he has had to give he a warning about that already so it shouldn't be too hard to get rid of her now.

[PlatinumStart]

Easy peasey then. If iTunes is in your name restore the phone to an earlier date and if there are any suspect messages you'll be able to see them.

Similarly if he is hopelessly naive as you say try a "spotlight" search which will show up messages even if they've even deleted. The word "fuck" is a good place to start.

[LividofLondon]

The thing I find most odd is if he's innocent surely he'd have told OP as soon as he'd got the first text? What's so hard about telling your wife that a woman at work has developed a fixation for no reason and has sent an inappropriate text? Keeping it quiet looks more dodgy than the text itself. Maybe I just expect openness in a marriage though.

[GrannyBubble]

I have already checked his phone bill and there were no text messages to her number since he received those ones.

I am actually very angry that he didn't tell me about it and he has apologised.

[EachDay]

I'm glad you believe him and I think you're probably right to do so, but honestly in your/his position I'd be really worried about what her next course of action might be.

If she's sacked/forced to leave she's going to be angry/upset. We know she's a bit unhinged to say the least. This will come back to bite your DH. Even if his boss won't "do" anything he still needs to meet with him and tell him about the situation. He then needs to write minutes/ a summary of his discussion, email them to the boss and ask him to reply confirming that it's a clear reflection of what was said. He must get it on record that he has raised concerns. He must.

[PlatinumStart]

Granny - if she has an iPhone the messages will automatically be sent as iMessages which won't show on the phone bill.

It's very unusal for a young woman to persistantly send unsolicited text messages

[GrannyBubble]

Yes, you are right and I will keep telling him that.

[EachDay]

As an added bonus he can show you the email chain, just to allay any lingering fears

[mammadiggingdeep]

A friend recently uncovered an affair...there were literally only 4 or 5 texts to the OW number on a bill. I think it's because he was prob was sapping or the texts were I messages.

Somebody upthread made a good point op...do a spotlight search on his I phone....search her name and any key words...just to put your mind At rest.