Should I believe my husband?

[GrannyBubble]

I have been married for 10 years and have never had reason to doubt my husband but the last few days I have been feeling uneasy about something.

The other day I noticed his phone wasn't where he always leaves it on the side and I after that it wasn't there again any day. I saw it charging at night in the bedroom, which is where it always is as he uses it for an alarm. For some reason I just felt something wasn't right so this evening I looked in his coat pocket and there was the phone so I had a look at it. He had a password on, which he doesn't normally have but as he has just downloaded the new iphone software I thought maybe it automatically put a pin code on. Anyway I guessed the pin correctly (the one we always use for things) and I had a look at his messages.

There were about 6 messages from a woman he works with, saying how much she wanted him, missed him etc. although no replies from him. I hid the phone while I tried to calm down and he went looking for it and when he asked if I had seen it I told him I would give it back but he had a lot of explaining to do. I looked at his expression and he didn't look guilty but he must have known what I had found.

So I confronted him with the messages and he said she kept sending messages but that he ignored them. He said she was crazy, but of course he would say that whatever. He asked why I looked at his phone and I said I was suspicious because he had been hiding it. He said he hadn't hidden it. I asked why he had a pin number, he said if he had wanted to keep it private why would he have used our usual pin number and he said why would he be so stupid as to keep the messages.

He has said he is trying to get her to leave, he has told her to get a new job (she is a temp) but he said she acts perfectly normal at work but just sends messages and he ignores her.

I just don't know what to believe. I want to believe him and he seems so genuine but how can I not have a doubt in my mind.

What should I do?

I have told him to tell me if the messages continue and I have said he needs to get rid of her as soon as he can, both of which he has agreed.

Should I believe him...?

[EachDay]

I don't know what speaking to the woman would achieve. Whatever she says will still fit the unhinged woman stalking me story

[PumpkinGuts]

If I had a crazy person messaging me, is have definitely warned myny husband

[SparkleSoiree]

Ten years of marriage and you have NEVER had cause to doubt your husband, a pin that you guessed correctly first time round, no evidence of outgoing texts or phone calls on the itemised bill and an perfectly plausible explanation from your husband about what has happened. Not all women are mad stalkers or respect boundaries but some are and just because nobody here may have personally experienced it doesn't mean to say it couldn't happen to anyone here.

I would believe him. I certainly wouldn't be speaking with someone who is trying to create trouble within my marriage and put stock in anything they say.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Sorry but I think I was given the "she's crazy" line. Ask yourself...in your experience have you, your friends, siblings etc ever had a 'mad' person texting you ''miss you' texts? For no reason?? No. Exactly. Funny how its always a man who has also been hiding his phone. And putting a pin code on it. Sorry op, dig z bit further and you'll find an ow/ fling/ ons xx

[hashtagwhatever]

I'm with all that have said something has gone on.

I miss you, I want you aren't things you would say without knowing there is a mutual feeling imo.

could be they've been together. could be he was implying they would. either way it doesn't add up. and personally dh would be the first person id show the texts too in a wtf way.

cover for a smother here I think.

[Fairenuff]

I think you should phone her, and casually say, 'Look, I've seen the texts you are sending my dh and I'm just wondering why?

She might say something like 'Ask you dh' to which I would say, I have but I'd like to hear your side of the story.

I bet you she will say there is more to it. Your gut instinct will tell you if something doesn't add up.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Yep....gut instinct tells you all you need to know. Listen to it and you can't go wrong.

[Diamondjoan]

Some if the predatory scheming shit I've seen colleagues do over the years to bag the boss is unreal, so it's plausible. If your husband is incapable of dealing with her, Call her from his phone just to remind her that he was a wife and the attention, presumably, is unwanted.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

I have written about 10 replies and deleted them all. I am on the fence, totally & completely - very, very unlike me.

I hope you can get it sorted though and it doesn't leave you feeling insecure in your relationship.

[namehopping]

Good luck OP

[Lucca22]

Sorry to say but there was one message on my husband's phone and he left 3 months ago, you'll find out soon enough. The woman will tighten the screw soon enough, mine was a lost cause thought this women was the future......just shows you what mr wiggle wants, mr wiggle gets, may I say - at a price.

[GrannyBubble]

Well, we had a long talk tonight and he told me his side of the story.

About a month ago he received the first text and he immediately phoned her and asked what on earth she was doing and told her she shouldn't be texting disgusting messages to him, he said she laughed at him and he told her it wasn't funny and not to do it again, she told him she liked him and he said he was a married man and not interested.

A while later she texted again and he ignored it, this was followed by another 4 messages, which he ignored.

He said he had no idea that she liked him as she acted perfectly normal at work and she only works 2 days a week and they actually only work together for about 3 hours a day.

He also said she has been acting very strange at work, bursting into tears for no reason and picking arguments with other staff, not turning up for work etc. and she has been given a warning over this. I know the last bit is true as he told me about it a few months ago.

Anyway, he said she has been asked to look for a new job and will be going soon and he has promised he will speak to her again about the texts.

He said he hasn't told anyone else at work because he felt ashamed and didn't want them to know.

I do believe him but I have told him he has to get rid of her and he has promised she will be gone soon. I also told him he was wrong to keep it from me.

I hope he sorts this out soon as it really freaked me out and until she has gone I will worry.

Thanks for letting me talk :) I had so much going round my head, one minute I was convinced he was telling me the truth and the next that he was lying. But he has never done anything before to make me disbelieve him so I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I have warned him though never to keep anything like that from me in the future.

[CoffeeTea103]

This sounds very suspicious tbh. How do you go from sending those types of messages to your manager?? Think about that, you would need to be really comfortable to think you can cross that line.

I think him using the pin code is just covering up should you ever find out. And if he doesn't reply in text, doesn't mean he isn't talking about it at work.

[GrannyBubble]

The pin code was added as he upgraded to IOS7 and he used the pin code we use for everything.

I will still be very observant for any odd behaviour but my instinct tells me he is telling the truth.

[BabylonReturns]

Does he use what's app?

[Fairenuff]

Is there a call to her number around the time he says on the phone records?

[GrannyBubble]

He doesn't use what's app nor does he have Facebook. He doesn't even have an email address, he isn't very up to date with these things!

I haven't checked whether he has a call to her but he could have phoned from work.

[JustinBsMum]

It sounds feasible to me.

And it's not that easy to sack people these days, imagine if he had gone screaming down to HR demanding that this woman must be sacked. Everyone would assume something had been going on, and she might have happily fanned the flames.

Just do nothing, though it might take a while for her to leave.

[RhondaJean]

If she also has an iPhone messages would go through iMessage and I don't think show on the phone bill.

[EachDay]

I think that's feasible and I'm glad you've sorted it with him.

I still think it's vital that he reports it though. If she can do this there's no knowing what she's capable of, especially if she feels she's been forced to leave. It could get really nasty for him and he needs to get his defence in first.

[Lizzabadger]

I think he's lying but I hope I'm wrong.

[Isetan]

It sounds feasible but I still don't believe it. Keeping quiet makes him look guilty, he is a manager FFS, I presume there are procedures which he could have followed. Some woman is sending him suggestive texts and he didn't tell you as not to worry you, hmm, he didn't tell you because it would have been uncomfortable for him.

I think at best he's being selective with the truth and at worst he's done something, either way he needs to man up and deal with this. His continued silence at work over this is only compounding the problem and still could bite him on the arse, if she is as unhinged as he says she is what makes him think that her leaving would change her behaviour.

IOS7 asks you twice for a passcode as part of the installation process, it isn't a default setting and saying no twice is hardly taxing, IOS7 also makes it easier to block numbers. So he has added a passcode but not blocked her number.

He could be telling the truth but his head in the sand approach is lazy and could bite him on the ass.

[Theironfistofarkus]

I think something probably happened too. Maybe just a drunken kiss or heavy flirting but something.

However I don't think you can know for sure so innocent until proven guilty.

[Offred]

I think it is feasible but still suspicious and still for the reasons I outlined in my last post.

I don't see why reporting sexually harassing messages would be called "going screaming down to hr" and I think that is an exceptionally damaging post Justin. He simply should have reported the texts to hr, told his wife, and if the texts continued after action was taken then as she is a temp it would be easy for hr to get rid of her and get a new temp.

Really don't think we should be encouraging people to think that reporting sexual harassment at work will ruin your workplace reputation!