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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please give me some advice re: a 'friend' has been caught looking at child porn.

210 replies

Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 10:07

My 'friend' has been my best friend for 28 years, I have trusted him with my children. I was a single parent since my dd was 3 and I was pregnant with my ds, there father had nothing to do with them so I actively encouraged the friendship between him and my kids, I have no real father figure and they needed a father figure in their lives.

A few weeks ago he came round and admitted to being caught looking at child porn, he says it was only the once and he only looked out of a morbid sense of curiosity. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do or say. I have had nothing to do with him since. I have spoken to my children (now adults) and they were shocked too, there is no way (from their reaction) that he has abused either of them.

This morning I have recieved a txt msg, I have an awful feeling he is going to do something stupid, I think he is going to top himself. What do I do? I can't forgive what he has done but he has been my best friend for 28 years, I can't just let him top himself.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 26/06/2006 10:08

Ring him.

puff · 26/06/2006 10:09

agree with Hunker - ring NOW, or go round if you can.

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 10:11

Call - you don't know the ins and outs of this, but having a friend top themselves is no way to sort it out.

You can make up your mind about the rest of it later.

Janos · 26/06/2006 10:11

Yes, ring or visit him, if you can.

puff · 26/06/2006 10:13

If you think there is a real possibility of him committing suicide, then it should not be ignored - threats must always be taken seriously.

Original poster
Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 10:15

Ringing him now.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 26/06/2006 10:15

You don't know fully what he has done anyway - put that to one side and call.

Your children are safe and shocked by this so you need not fear any revelations from them in the future.

And it may, as he says, just have been once and morbid curiosity. That doesn't excuse it, but it's a shame to end his life because of it.

Ring him.

Nemo1977 · 26/06/2006 10:16

IF the message suggests he is going to commit suicide and you dont want to contact him then contact the police and let them know. They can go around and get mental health team involved.

Original poster
Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 10:26

He wants to come here and talk, I don't know if I am up to it. When he told me about being arrested he was telling me how frightened he was and how he has been susspended from work, it was like he wanted me to feel sorry for him.

All I feel is anger towards him, all of these years I trusted him with my kids, I thought he was one thing then I find out he is something else. I feel sick, he applied for a job as a caretaker in an infants school recently, I want to punch him, shout and scream at him.

I don't understand why he looked? Don't know if I can bear to look at him, let alone talk to him. But he is my friend...

OP posts:
Janos · 26/06/2006 10:26

This must have been a huge, huge shock for you Cantbelieve

Janos · 26/06/2006 10:28

"I want to punch him, shout and scream at him"

I'm not surprised! If you don't want to see him then that is up to you - don't put yourself through it if you don't feel up to it. You've had a huge fright.

Original poster
Cantbelievethis · 26/06/2006 10:29

But I can't just stand by and do nothing. This is so hard.

OP posts:
JanH · 26/06/2006 10:30

This is horrible for you, Cbt - I can't imagine how I would feel in the same situation - but it might be true that he only did it once out of curiosity; can you give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him? He will understand your anger but he needs someone to talk to...

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 10:32

You don't ahve to do anything you can't cope with, if you can't do it say no - explain you are too angry at the moment and you need time.

Remember though - this person may have done exactly what they said they did - it is up to you to decide if you are prepared to believe him of even give him teh chance to explain.

Sorry you have been placed in this postion - it is one position where the full capacity of trust is called into question, hope you can find a way through it

expatinscotland · 26/06/2006 10:34

'I have had nothing to do with him since.'

That's a good policy.

Curious? About the scourge of all humanity - the exploitation of innocent children, usually from the most poverty-stricken nations in the world?

I'm really sorry, Cantbelieve, that this happened to you.

But I have ZERO sympathy for anyone who admits to looking at child porn.

Children have their spirits and souls and lives destroyed by this filthy 'industry', all to feel someone 'morbid sense of curiosity'?

Sorry, but ALL and ANY paedophiles make me want to throw up.

Feel sorry for htem? HELL NO! That's someone precious little baby he was looking at!

expatinscotland · 26/06/2006 10:35

He admitted he looked at it, people.

waterfalls · 26/06/2006 10:37

Dont do anything you feel incomfortable with, it might be better to meet him in a public place, that way if you dont like what you hear or it becomes too awkward you can get up and leave, but I would like to add, he will be under full investigation now, and if he is lieing and he has looked on more than one occasion it will come to light, until then give as much or as little support as you feel comfortable with.

FairyMum · 26/06/2006 10:38

Agree with Expat. Must be such a difficult situation, but I am afraid I could never have anything to do with him ever again. I think most normal people can't even bear to watch childporn. They would not be curious and look it up. We all know what it must look like unfortunately. Don't you have to pay to access these sites? So he might have paid to watch children be abused. No no no. Sick!

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 10:39

Expat - I looked at child porn - you gonna hunt me down?

waterfalls · 26/06/2006 10:39

SecurMummy
why?

FairyMum · 26/06/2006 10:40

I also think most paedophiles are very manipulative and don't realise or accept they have done anything wrong. To me it sounds like he is now playing the poor victim. Hello! Reality-check!

EvesMama · 26/06/2006 10:41

if you do need to speak to him(i dont know the full details so i cant say do or dont?)..explain how hard your finding it yourself as you have children whom where in his care and obv has made you question thier relationship..tell him(if you want to do this?) you will help as much as you can but giving the nature of the situation, you cannot wholly be by his side..he has admitted it, so its not specualtion and you dont really want to get involved in this mess do you?
does he have family who are as supportrive as you?...think this is pushing friendship boundaries way to far IMO.

anorak · 26/06/2006 10:41

I agree with others who say speak to him - you don't know exactly what he's done. He may have clicked on an image without fully understanding what he was going to see. You know people put this filth all over the internet and no one can touch them legally but one mistaken click and you see some of it and you can be sent to prison for five years!

A very close friend of mine served several months on remand for viewing these kind of images - and he can't remember ever seeing them. He'd been looking at mainstream porn and there must have been one or two images mixed up in it, he truly can't remember it. I would still trust him with my life, I trust him and believe him.

I am not saying your friend is the same but there is much to criticise in the way the law views this kind of crime. I would listen to what he has to say.

ntt · 26/06/2006 10:41

He got arrested?? Doesn't that mean he must have paid for it? Maybe he's been a repressed paedo all these years and has been seduced out of his repression by the internet - probably why there seems to be so many around at the moment. Pooy you. He needs help, help him to get it before you dump him.

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 10:42

Becuse unless I could confirm that the site in question was pornographic and did contain children the police would not investigate - so I deliberatly went to a child porn site and looked at images on the site.

I looked at it - and the reason why makes no difference - to the person running the site it was one more "hit"