Please give me some advice re: a 'friend' has been caught looking at child porn.

[Cantbelievethis]

My 'friend' has been my best friend for 28 years, I have trusted him with my children. I was a single parent since my dd was 3 and I was pregnant with my ds, there father had nothing to do with them so I actively encouraged the friendship between him and my kids, I have no real father figure and they needed a father figure in their lives.

A few weeks ago he came round and admitted to being caught looking at child porn, he says it was only the once and he only looked out of a morbid sense of curiosity. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do or say. I have had nothing to do with him since. I have spoken to my children (now adults) and they were shocked too, there is no way (from their reaction) that he has abused either of them.

This morning I have recieved a txt msg, I have an awful feeling he is going to do something stupid, I think he is going to top himself. What do I do? I can't forgive what he has done but he has been my best friend for 28 years, I can't just let him top himself.

Your right expat, I need to try to talk to someone about it. I'll try to find a councellor, but I bet it will be hard to find one.

Feel a bit pathetic being this effected by it, I wasn't abused, my kids were not abused as far as I am aware, I hope they are not hiding it from me - that is my worst fear, that they have been abused by him and that others may have been hurt because I trusted him.

There may be some support groups if you can't get to a counsellor. Just being able to talk to someone who's been thru this would help.

You feel victimised by this person's actions, too, b/c you trusted him.

Nothing wrong in that. You're a normal human being who tried to do the best for her kids - by the sounds of it, you did an amazing job!

As Hellomama pointed out, paedos are often very manipulative and clever and have hoodwinked many.

If you are looking for a counsellor or support group, you might try contacting SupportLine on 020 8554 9004. It's a telephone helpline that provides emotional support for people facing these kinds of issues. They keep details of agencies, support groups and counsellors throughout the UK. If nothing else, you could talk to them on the phone about how you are feeling.

Thank you Sparks.

ive read th whwole thread and im gutted for you...really gutted.

youve had great advice from the likes of securmummy and others..do keep posting if it helps you..

cowardice..what a brave post...love to you x

cbt,one thing i was thinking ...was that if your children still sense your emotional attachment/loyalty to this man ...then they may be less likely to disclose anything he did to them...?? do you see what i mean?

they may be reluctant to hurt you any further...or whatever.

i wish you all the best for the next few weeks
love beans

Cantbelievethis - you have expressed exactly how I felt three years ago, and although it has faded over time, it is actually how I still feel. I have given my BIL support (we gave him a bed when no one else would, visited him in hospital etc) but I still can't understand why he did it; I think that there is an element of curiosity, but also much more to keep going back to look.

It still makes me feel sick to know what he did, but we do see him regularly for the sake of the children and my sister. I didn't have counselling, but I did have a fantastic friend who is a priest who did help me - it is always worth talking about it.

You certainly shouldn't feel pathetic about it - it's the most natural thing in the world to feel devastated by such a bombshell; I know I did.

CBT - just wanted to point out - you weren't "stupid" to trust him, because it seems he never approached your children. What I mean is, you probably didn't miss anything because there was nothing to miss.

Despite being a paedophile (the story does sound very suspicious), it's quite possible that he has a truly platonic affection for your children and doesn't think of them in "that" way at all.

You can hardly blame yourself for not being a mind reader and not being able to spot thoughts that he would have kept very deeply hidden from everyone.

Anyway, good luck, however you choose to deal with him.

An up-date, I am so, so devastated to read in the paper yesterday that my 'friend' has appeared in court charged with a 'string of child porn offences, including making indecent photographs of children with a view to distribute.

I am so gutted, I can hardly speak.

I decided to end the friendship with him months ago (when all of this came out). I didn't believe him when he said that he only looked once out of curiosity and I have been proved right.

I have telephoned the police to try to find out who the photographs are of because, (as a father figure) he had taken loads of photographs of my DD and DS, you know, photographs that you believe at the time are perfectly innocent, like them playing in the bath etc. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach when I think that they may have been used by him that way. They have told me they will ring back and that they will tell me if it is my kids in the photos.

The 'what ifs' will not stop going around my head, and yes, I do still feel stupid for not knowing.

I think I am still in shock, I don't know what to think or say, I'll try to log in tomorrow when I have had time to make sense of it all.

Oh my God, you poor, poor thing, that is hideous.

Don't feel stupid. For very obvious reasons paedophiles are extremely skilful at covering their tracks. And, although it is hugely distressing to think of your children's snaps being misused in such a wicked fashion, they themselves have not been hurt.
This is so awful, I'm very sorry CBT, but please don't blame yourself.
And remember it is very possible that this man was himself abused as a child. Not that this in any way excuses him, but a lot of abusers start out as victims too.
One just hopes that he will seek or be given professional help to stop himself from re-offending, and that he will be given a good long custodial sentence.

I'm so sorry. Please don't blame yourself at all. Your children were not hurt. Although there is not doubt that what this man has done was completely wrong, at least he didn't touch anyone (at least it sounds like he didn't). I am sure that many of these people are very good at presenting themself as decent and good friends. Not your fault.

I think you'll probably find there is more to it than he is letting on. The police Im sure dont go around arresting people who just happen to click on a site accidentally and go 'oops'. Why does he want to top himself? What has he done that is so devastating that he wants to end his life? Losing your friendship? Come off it? Sorry to be so cynical but a peady tried to feel me up when I was 8 and I screamed so loud everyone came running. So Im slightly biased Im afraid.

Just read the up-date. Sorry I hadnt read that before I wrote the last email. But, prepare yourself for the worst.

I am very disturbed by your thread Can'tBelieve and am very sorry. Please contact the police again by Monday for your own peace of mind if they haven't contacted you so you can verify if the photos he has taken of your children have been used in the forums he uses. Somebody must be able to counsel you and quick so that you have support. These people target mothers without a partner as they are vulnerable but you weren't to know. I hope you get counselling soon.

I have contacted the police several times but the Detective handling the case is always 'unavailable', Bloody useless!!!!

Meanwhile I am going out of my mind, my imagination running riot. He looked after my children so many times, my dd has had mental health problems all of her life and has tried to commit suicide several times, what if this is the reason? What if she blocked it all out? What if? What if?

I think we deserve to know! My children are hurt, my dd read the paper, she is in deep shock, this man was her father figure, she loved him and now she finds this out.

I am shocked the police are being so unhelpful. Not sure what to do next...

No matter what anybody says I still feel stupid, the signs were there, I just didn't recognise them at the time. Now I know it all fits into place, how could I have not seen it?

Wondering how you are getting on Can'tBelieveIt. I am sorry your dd is having problems and really hope this friend of yours has not done anything to any of your children. Let us know. Can you ring social services and enquire there as you have reason to believe that your children have suffered?

CBT, I'm so sorry . This must be awful to go through.

Has your dd had any counselling etc?

How are you CBT

Thank you for your posts, the police are being worse than usless. I have contacted them several times and the Detetctive is always too busy to talk to me.

We (DD, Dp and I) have decided that they only way to really find out what type of man I let so close to my kids is to go to the Court case. I realise they will not say the childrens names and we don't want to see the photographs but at least we will know a bit more. Hopefully seeing him go to prison we will be able to 'draw a line' underneath it all (to some extent anyway).

I do worry about DD though, she is an adult now, she did have councelling throughout her teens but it stopped when she became an adult. I have tried to talk her out of going to the Court case, I have told her it will one of the hardest thing she has ever done but she is insistent, I can't stop her but I can be there for her when it happens.

Chickpea, I don't think social services will help because my children are both adults now.

I am at a loss to know what to do next, I always had to utmost respect for the police until now. This is the first time I have had anything to do with them and they just don't seem to want to know. Surely Child abuse is classed as a serious offence and deserves a bit of their valuable time?

The police couldn't even tell me what the term 'making incecent photgraphs of children' means. Does it mean he manipulated photgraphs to make them indecent or did he actually take the indecent photographs? Again the police officer I spoke to said that they would find out and get back to me, well, I still haven't heard anything, surprise, surprise!

Meanwhile we have to wait until the Court case, the case was adjourned until March when it will be commited to Crown so your guess is as good as mine when the case will actually be heard.

Its the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.

But we will get through this, we have no choice, we are close and I will pull my children though this and we will be ok (given a bit of time).

I've just come across this thread and wanted to say you poor thing and what an awful thing to have to deal with.

I kind of know how it might feel because I used to work in a Catholic school and the chaplian, who was very good and very popular with staff and students, also turned out to be a paedophile. It as such a shock and to start with we all thought it must be a mistake etc but as it turned out he'd been abusing children for decades. This was a man who I respected enormously, looked up to and trusted. I still feel a great sadness now when I think about him. I know he wasn't a close friend like yours but he was someone who had a big impact on me...

Sorry that the police aren't any more helpful. They should have Family Liasion officers for this type of thing.

Cantbelievethis - Just wondered how you were x

rhubarb it was my brother again i have changed my name but I am on mumsnet a lot still.
Currently he said all last summer it was not true adn he could nto remember it, he got arrested and held for 4 days in august, he still said the solicotor or lawyer or whatever said it will come to noothing and that ti was 1rst level stuff and we had a bit of hope then, he is on cannabis adn still lives with my parents he is still odd, my mum back him 100 per cent, now we recently read his statement transcipt for some reason he let us, it was girls of 10-13 and with aduults and with older men the police have over a hundered illegal images and he addmitted it. now my paretns are painting their house to move after any court case or court hearing and it is their house that will be leaked to the press adn my dad at work and hi repuation runined in that area, he is a littlae animal and i hate him i wish he had dies last february when he tried to kill himself so i would not know what i know my dad hetes him but acts normal cos of my mum an dshe cant understand why i wont go and visit and he never hurt anyone adn does not like boys , the statemnt was cocky he said he was curios and had a high iq he sadi all adults are attracted to kids, we are wating to see what happens what sentence or stiff happens but ti si my parents who will suffer, sellling their house, being shunned by work colloueues fro procicing an animal he has not friends to lose adn just sits at home anyway, OP lead him to proffesssional who can hlep him then cut ties at least then you wont have to feel bad if he tops himself, wish htey all would , my brother slept next to my chile sometimes when he used to ocome over i truested him, what if id had a girl? ? ?? ?? ?? ??

Message withdrawn

A year on and still it doe not conclude, I wish he will get off with it for my parents sake, but in my heart i want him to go to jail and die, he did it for years and my apretns did not dererve this they are lovely epople and i am good and law abiding and kind, he si some sort of mutant, if only they had not concieve dhim we would al be happy now my parents would have my child for visits and happy fmaily times xmas was ruinded we stateey home for 1rts time ever dp cant be in the same room as him, the will print his name and address when it comes to resolution, he shares my dads name, we are suffereing becasue of him, to think of the porr teenager mentioned in the footage from the transcript being touched by some bastartd and it being ogled over by men all over the world and the others other little souls....its unbearable last year was the worst year of my life it was shaekn my trust in everyone, don't trust anyone with you rkids, even wrose i was absued at age 13-14 an he knew that adn what ti did to me adn still he became one

Maybe not in your wold but it represnts 100 different kids being screwed, wonderfull cod ...love you r ironic asides keep it coming ..what about some absued kids jokes? is 110 not enough to shokc u? oh sorry im just being a bit silly then oh silly me